Friday, September 17, 2010

The Week in Misguided Googlers, Redux

Does penice have two c's?
Last night, as I am wont to do, I was looking up the Google search terms people use to find In Bed With Married Women. This was suitably pleasing, as always. I saw the weird search terms ("how to make fursuit penises"), the weirder ("wifes first attempt at fucking a dog") and the blunt ("BOOBAGE"). And, as usual, plenty of requests for "nacked" women, but the one that stood out to me was "looking at anus." "Looking at anus." It was enigmatic--what did that person even want? Why "looking at anus" instead of a more obvious choice such as "photos of anus" or "anus pictures"? Were they interested in looking at anus themselves, or did they want to see a picture of someone else looking at anus?

I remarked on this to my husband, who idly wondered many Google pages Mr. Looking at Anus had to go through before In Bed With Married Women popped up. (It could, I suppose, be Mrs. Looking at Anus. Or more likely was just her name through marriage...) Well, there was nothing to do but type in "looking at anus" myself to find out. To my surprise and horror, In Bed With Married Women is the number two hit. That's right, if you want "looking at anus," apparently In Bed With Married Women is the place to be. It sits there above the #3 hit, a HealthBoards post involving an "ulcer looking sore inbetween scrotum and anus" and the #1 hit, a headline reading, "The most realistic chocolate anus we've ever seen." And this point, my search history was a slutty, ravaged mess anyway, so I clicked through to discover that there is a company in England that sells chocolate anuses (ani?) in three flavors. On their site, they take great pains to inform the customer of the high quality of their chocolate anuses, noting darkly, "unlike some other unscrupulous novelty shops who get their chocolates made in China."
For us, making chocolate is an art, which is why we only produce traditional hand made chocolate of the highest standard. We also believe the anus range can dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, and sexual orientation.   
It's a little high-fallutin'-- it is a chocolate butt, after all. Still, if chocolate butts can ease race relations, break down sexual stereotypes and whatnot, I'm all for it. I am concerned, however, that they might have trouble finding an ample customer base. In a famous(ish) experiment by Paul Rozin, he presented subjects with fudge formed into a realistic likeness of dog poo. Although the subjects knew intellectually that the fudge was just plain old fudge, most of them couldn't bring themselves to eat it. (And most, I imagine, were also wondering why the hell this weird research guy kept insisting they try the dog poo-shaped fudge.) Anus is somewhat higher on the edibility scale than dog poo, but to most people, I'm guessing, not quite enough higher.

Anyway, all this has nothing to do with married women, sex or even beds. But maybe that's okay. Maybe I'll just follow the advice of one anonymous In Bed commenter who suggested,
Hmm... If it's pageviews you're after, meebee you should add those misspellings / unfortunate phrases to your metadata. You'll get the number one search ranking for "hair of penice" in no time. 
I don't actually know what "metadata" is, but when I find out, I just might do it. So if you're in need of top-notch, high-quality info on your penice, giving hand jops, being nacked or, of course, our specialty, looking at anus, we'll be here to meet your needs.


CA Heaven said...

Metadata is a term that comes from computer science and database terminology. It simply means "data about data", or tags describing your data >:)

Cold As Heaven

Jill Hamilton said...

Cold As Heaven, thanks, it's always good to have a scientist on your side. And Housewife, those are insanely fabulous. I love the peek into what is going on in people's minds.

Hills said...

"Metadata" is the kind of word that makes my eyeballs itch.

Also, pretty jealous of your Google search terms, as the best one I have to date is "big red nipples".

This s a bit rubbish, actually, as mine are rather diminuitive (and pleasingly pink) and I'd hate to give the wrong impression to prospective readers in search of the big red variety.

TMI, right?


- B x

Anonymous said...

I always laugh looking at mine too. I'm not sure that they are all good hearted, as at times, the words people choose worry me. For instance, I got one that said "Kids thongs" and the other "6 year old skank". As much as I try I can't imagine a mother innocently looking for underpants for her young daughter. I also have "chapeau sex" "blowjob from hole" and "masturbate horny + hole" ...??

I must be a pristine googeler. lol.

-The Mad Hatress
of Mon Petite Chapeau

Jill Hamilton said...

Hmm, Mad Hatress, I wonder what you posted that's giving you the "hole" traffic? And the creepy kids underwear? Maybe it was your (genius) post on animal blow up sex toys?
I swear, I am like a mentally deficient monkey--I can keep looking at these and be endlessly amused. Like today included, "watch out for your anus!" (with the exclamation point) and exceedingly specific but still misdirected "august 16 2010, dinner function David toys business HK".