Yes, everyone knows porn is just fantasy blah blah blah, but for some people, porn is--seriously!-- their primary source of sex ed. Less than half the states require sex ed in public schools and only 19 require it to be “medically, factually or technically accurate”(!) Even when the sex ed is there and semi-decent, there tends to be way too much information on fallopian tubes and little, if any, on what one should do upon encountering a clitoris. People genuinely want to be decent lovers, I think, and scrutinizing porn for love tips can be all kinds of fun, but as a source of actual lady-pleasin' info, it kind of sucks.
“Every technique you learn in porn is
wrong. If men are going to porn to figure out to how to please women
they're going to be very disappointed, ” says Gail Dines, author of Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality
. “Everything
that makes sex fun--the creativity, mutuality, enjoyment, connection,
intimacy--is bled away and in its place is kind of a robotic fucking
of women's orifices.”
. “Everything
that makes sex fun--the creativity, mutuality, enjoyment, connection,
intimacy--is bled away and in its place is kind of a robotic fucking
of women's orifices.”
So,
lesson number one: “robotic fucking of women's orifices,” maybe a
“no” on that. But with that off the table (at least most of the
time...), what you do instead? Great thinkers from Ovid to Master
Tung-hsuan to Naomi Wolf have offered their own answers, and
there are certain Great Truths that run through them all.
We're getting into the Deep
Magic now, my friends. Use it wisely.
Embrace the Erotic Outside the Bedroom
“Most
men, if you breathe on them or look at them the wrong way, they're
ready for action. But for most women, you have to get between their
ears before you get between their legs. You have to build the story,”
says Dr. Adam Sheck, aka
The Passion Doctor.
So
build the story. “A man should tell his wife, detail by detail,
what he wants to do to her, how he wishes to touch her,” counsels
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach in his book, The Kosher Sutra
. “Eroticism is the thrilling desire to connect:
to know, to explore, to penetrate, and to comprehend. When our lives
are electrified by an erotic pulse, all existence becomes
illuminated.”
. “Eroticism is the thrilling desire to connect:
to know, to explore, to penetrate, and to comprehend. When our lives
are electrified by an erotic pulse, all existence becomes
illuminated.”
Express Your
Desire
According
to studies by Marta
Meana, president of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research,
being desired is the
source of a woman's desire.
It is “at once the thing craved and the spark of craving,”
explains Daniel Bergner in
his beautifully written book, What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire.
So, by all means,
let a women that you think her body is insanely hot—so hot you can
barely take it--and it's making you hard just thinking about her.
(Ratchet this language up or down, filth-wise, depending on the
chick.) Tender, respectful love is fine enough but please note that
approximately 1
billion percent of
romance novels are about a woman inciting a man with a passion so
savage and hungry that he can barely control himself. (Spoiler: he
doesn't).
So, by all means,
let a women that you think her body is insanely hot—so hot you can
barely take it--and it's making you hard just thinking about her.
(Ratchet this language up or down, filth-wise, depending on the
chick.) Tender, respectful love is fine enough but please note that
approximately 1
billion percent of
romance novels are about a woman inciting a man with a passion so
savage and hungry that he can barely control himself. (Spoiler: he
doesn't).
Don't Be Afraid to
Ravish
The desire to be
taken by force consistently sits there, all petulant and non-PC-like,
among women's top sexual fantasies. This doesn't mean that women want
to be raped, obviously, but it is related to the tip above on desire.
Being taken strongly and urgently is a clear physical expression of a
male's searing desire for a woman. Bergner describes Meana's take on
it thusly: “The ravager, overcome by craving for that particular
women, cannot restrain himself; he tears through all codes, through
all laws and conventions, to seize her, and she—feeling herself to
be the unique object of his unendurable need—is overcome herself.”
(See above: plot of every romance novel.)
“For the heterosexual female 'ravish
me' fantasy, the man embodies the masculine and takes charge with
those masculine qualities to be focused, direct, relentless in
pursuing his goal, in this case, loving his woman into 'submission.'
This can range from simply initiating sex, to being a little more
assertive than usual, to being more aggressive, to being a little
'rough' all the way to role play and using restraints and sex toys,”
writes
Dr. Sheck. “I’m 6’3″ and around 200 pounds and have found
that many woman have simply enjoyed the weight of my body pressing
into them and found that arousing. Perhaps that is enough to begin
your journey. I also happen to have large hands and usually able to
hold both of a woman’s wrists in one of my hands. Even that small
step can often be assertive enough to feed into the submission
fantasy.” (And if you did not just experience a little unbidden
thrill thinking of Dr. Sheck holding you down, well, then that's
where we differ.)
Focus
on Goalless Touching
“The whole sexual experience can be
totally enjoyable, but most men and women are taught to go straight
for climax. We educate guys to enjoy the whole ride,” says
consultant Robert Kandell,
who coached men at Onetaste, where “orgasm” is defined as the
entire sexual experience beginning at the first thought of making out
with someone. He offers a metaphor: “The climax of a symphony is
the cymbals crashing at the end, but that’s not the main draw.
What is “the whole ride”?
“Non-genitally focused sexual
behavior, referred to popularly as 'foreplay'...is a broad category
of activities which are usually undertaken with the goal of
increasing one’s own and/or one’s partner’s sexual arousal and
pleasure. These activities can include, but are not limited to,
kissing, stroking, massaging, and holding anywhere from one part to
the entirety of a partner’s body,” writes
Dr. Adena Galinsky, in a woefully unsexy passage.
Not
only do you miss out on plenty of fun if you skimp on the
“non-genitally focused sexual behavior,” you increase the odds of
squelching orgasm or arousal, according to Galinsky's recent
study. Just don't call it “non-genitally focused sexual
behavior” and you should be go to go.
The More Time You Put in, The Hotter It Gets
The mid-7th century sex
manual “Ars
Amatoria of Master Tung-hsuan” advises much “dalliance before
penetration.” “He presses on her slender waist, he caresses her
precious body, he whispers endearing words and engages in passionate
discourse,” writes the Master. There is extensive stroking, loving
gazes, and deep rich kisses until the Jade Stalk rises “standing
strongly, pointing upwards like a a lonely peak towering high up in
the Milky Way” and the Cinnabar Crevice becomes “moist, exuding a
rich flow of secretions like a lonely well springing up in the deep
vale.” Even when it gets to the point when the man is kneeling
between his lover's open thighs, Jade Stalk in hand—and it's pretty
clear what's going to be going down--he continues to tease and woo,
letting his member “play about in this portal” while continuing
his impassioned speech, sucking her tongue and stroking her belly,
breasts and labia.
In another Ars Amatoria
(The Art of Love) the Roman poet Ovid counseled lovers
of 2 A.D. to take their time in love, too: “If you will listen to
me you will not be too hasty in attaining the culmination of your
happiness. Learn by skillful maneuvering to reach your climax by
degrees. When you are safely ensconced in the sanctuary of bliss, let
no timid fear arrest your hand. You will be richly rewarded by the
love-light trembling in her eyes, even as the rays of the sun
fitfully dance upon the waves. Then will follow gentle murmurs, moans
and sighs, laden with ecstasy that will sting and lash desire.”
Sigh.
(The Art of Love) the Roman poet Ovid counseled lovers
of 2 A.D. to take their time in love, too: “If you will listen to
me you will not be too hasty in attaining the culmination of your
happiness. Learn by skillful maneuvering to reach your climax by
degrees. When you are safely ensconced in the sanctuary of bliss, let
no timid fear arrest your hand. You will be richly rewarded by the
love-light trembling in her eyes, even as the rays of the sun
fitfully dance upon the waves. Then will follow gentle murmurs, moans
and sighs, laden with ecstasy that will sting and lash desire.”
Sigh.
Whether You Think It's a G-spot or Not,
Try Stroking It.
"Find
her 'sacred spot,' then hang out there far longer that you think is
necessary," writes Naomi
Wolf in Vagina . While scientists are still
dithering about whether there is a G-spot or not, Tantric masters
have been in there stroking said "sacred spot” and making the
ladies come. Carefully, slow stroking of the spot--which is part of
the whole neural tangle, but can also be considered to be sort of a
back end of the clitoris--is highly effective at making women purr
for you. In one
study researchers gave 89% of their female subjects orgasms by
"systematic digital stimulation of both vaginal walls."
This despite the lab conditions and calling it "systematic
digital stimulation of both vaginal walls."
Don't Lock In to A Successful Sequence
of Moves
A systematic approach in which a man
“politely lets himself into the vagina, perhaps waiting until the
retraction of the clitoris tells him that he is welcome, is laborious
and inhumanely computerized,” writes the ever-blunt Germaine Greer
in The Female Eunuch
. “The implication that there is a statistically
ideal fuck which will always result in satisfaction if the right
procedures are followed is depressing and misleading.”
. “The implication that there is a statistically
ideal fuck which will always result in satisfaction if the right
procedures are followed is depressing and misleading.”
“You want to be
present. You want to feel what you're partner's feeling, you want to
sensitive to the amount of lubrication, to the engorgement of the
labia. And from there, you know when to be rough, when to be
aggressive, when to pull on hair, when to smack things, when to be
kind,” says Dr. Sheck. “It's really a tuning to the body.”
A Well-Fucked Woman Kind of Loses It
(And That's Good)
“Feminine sexual excitement can reach
an intensity unknown to a man. Male sexual excitement is keen but
localized, and—except perhaps at the moment of orgasm—it leaves a
man quite in possession of himself; woman, on the contrary, really
loses her mind; for many this effect marks the definite and
voluptuous moment of the love-affair, but it also has a magical and
fearsome quality,” writes Simone de Beauvoir in The Second Sex
.
.
When a lover stimulates a woman
properly, it sets off all kinds of chemical tomfoolery. A lover who
suckles a woman's nipple, for example, will set
off a release of the bonding love chemical oxytocin and she,
perhaps without quite realizing why, will favor that lover over
another. When a woman is fully relaxed, open and receiving pleasure
she can enter sort of a trance state. And when a woman has an orgasm,
she gets a heavy dose of opiates--the regions of her brain involving
self-awareness and inhibition going dark. "This
can feel to the woman involved like a melting of boundaries, a loss
of self, and, whether exhilaratingly or scarily, a loss of control,"
writes Wolf. If a man gives his lover a deep, deep orgasm, the kind
where it feels like his cock is hitting some deep
emotional/physical/spiritual place within, a woman can have a
profound experience. Some women will feel an exquisite rapture, some
will burst into tears, and 100% will take that dude's call next time
around.
xoxox
jill
xoxox
jill
as well as a stack of vaguely smutty books I got at the library. (With no mishaps. True: My friend K checked out the Jenna Jameson book 
which she of course has every right to do, and the librarian quickly wrapped it in a plain brown bag for her. Unasked.)
little girls in France don't say "He loves me, he loves me not" when pulling off flower petals. (Which is sort of cruel, now that I think about it, but perhaps such cruelty is appropriate for matters of love.) Instead they say: "Il m'aine un peu, beaucoup, passionnement, a la folie, pas du tout" which means: "He loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, not at all."
)
Shmuley Boteach, offers a Jewish spin on how to work the comfort/passion balance. "Every month, there must be two weeks devoted to physical love, and two weeks devoted to intellectual communication and emotional intimacy," he writes. When the women starts her period, you abstain for two weeks. The original idea was probably about women being "unclean" during that time (bosh!), but the on/off plan does neatly correspond with most 
by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam examines internet searches to figure out what men and women are actually into. It's all completely fascinating--Why men want to see other men fucking their wives! Why men like to look at other dude's penises in porn in a totally not-gay way! Why the hell women flash their boobs in "Girls Gone Wild" videos! It's all very scientific and smart.
link. Though I an now needing to know--and am possibly concerned about--the back story with the following purchases. Sequential? Cause and effect? What do you make of it?
