What People Have Down Their Pants

That's me.

Yes, I know the whole fucking world is going to hell in a hand basket, whatever that means, and what follows here today is just silliness, but my present coping mechanism of staring at my social media feeds, impotently pressing the mad face emoji is not really doing the trick today.*

Anyway there's lots to tell you. Walk with me, will you?

My Weird Job
--I was on the Cosmo Happy Hour podcast! Which would be more exciting if I could tell you how to listen! (Try iTunes or Play.It) It's the Who Invents Cosmo Sex Positions episode and--spoiler:  It's *sigh* me. I come in about the 8 minute mark and talk without pre-thinking anything for even one second, as is my way.

Things People Saw and Thought of Me:
 --Matthew saw this underwear with a built-in camel toe and quite reasonably, thought of me. Not because I am known for anything camel toe related (...yet. though I do get an oddly high amount of traffic from the search terms "Jill St. John camel toe") but because I am a little obsessed with the stuff people put down their pants.

I'm guessing they're probably for people in various stages of transitioning because beyond clearing up painful front wedgies due to 1970s time travel/wardrobe problems, it's hard to see the appeal here. Like any of these body "enhancement" deals, why would your try to attract someone with the very thing you lack? If some dude/lady is into big-ass vaginas**, they're going to be mighty disappointed when you disrobe and that camel toe of yours is lying next to you, still puffed up and ready to go. Do they then fuck you out of politeness or go straight for the panties they really wanted to fuck? Do you really want to know? 

In any case, there's also a camel toe blocker (because no matter what you have going down there, somebody is gonna tell you it's not right. See also Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth.) The blocker, of course, creates the opposite problem of the enhancer. Someone who is into you because of your unobtrusive little cooter will likely be shaken when you unleash your formerly-contained camel toe, and it expands like an air bag, possibly putting someone's eye out. 

If you're undecided, maybe just buy some pants that fit and see who comes your way.

--Anne sends the important news of crystals dildos designed to "quiet the mind in order to feel subtle energies, develop emotional intelligence, strengthen self-awareness, and accepting every aspect of who you are." It seems like an awful lot to ask of a dildo--guess that's why it costs $149. 91. Anne, who is from a foreign land signed off, "Hope your vagina is feeling magical" which is the way they sign off in her country, I think, but it did made to pause for a second to consider if my vagina was feeling magical. Answer: sorta? I think?
 
Things People Saw and Didn't Think of Me, But I Looked Anyway:
--My friend Janet saw Disney Dudes' Dicks: What Your Favorite Princes Look Like Naked and cruelly did not think of me. But I looked anyway, bc pervy, and beheld some waaay over-Imagineered cartoon prince nudity. I'm showing you to purge myself, in the same way that you tell someone when there's an annoying song playing over in your head. Take this:

Gaston

 Gaston likes to take nude selfies. He has a small dick—very tiny—pube-less and uncut.

 

Which seems about right.  As for Prince Charming, I've never given it any thought, but if for some reason I were forced to speculate--which could totally happen--I would guess that Prince Charming is asexual down below and has just a smooth flap of skin, like Ken. But clearly I am wrong.

Prince Charming

Obviously, the perfect guy has the perfect dick: like eight or nine inches, thick—but not too thick otherwise it's painful—rock hard with a nice throbbing vein. He's groomed perfectly in a way that's considerate of lovers without being too gay porn-y about it. He's standing in front of the fireplace that Cinderella no longer has to rake, arm draped over the mantle.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and try to grow the fuck up. 

Contest coming!
Stay tuned. Have the prizes. Need to think of what I'm gonna make you do.

xoxo
jill

P.S. Tell me what's on your mind. I miss your ass.

*Don't worry. I'm still all about the #resist and will be back on my mad face emoji pressing duties soon enough
**I know. LABIA. Piss off.. 

Reader Mail: How to Tell Your Husband You've Been Faking It, Numb Vagina Syndrome and "I Saw This and Thought of You"

"Oh yeah, right there. Perfect."

So much to cover today. Hop aboard and hold on.

Backlash!
Two final spawns from my article on the Science, Sex and the Ladies doc and the oddly-controversial statement that most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation to come:

--First, reader "Allie" needs your advice!

"I hope this is anonymous. I am obsessed with your writing and views. I really want your advice even though I don't know you and you don't know me. I'm gonna get right to the dirt[y]:

I love my husband but he only makes me cum about 25% of the time we have sex. I've hinted and basically told him that I can really only cum when he rubs my clit. I really want him to read your article. I think he would finally get it. But I am also worried that there would be a fight because he might realize how often I've faked it to spare his ego...I love him and don't want to make him feel inferior even though that is not my intention. Do you have advice for me? What should I do or say?"

Got anything for her, brothers and sisters? 

Being Publicly Flogged--Not Nearly As Hot As It Sounds!
I went and looked (again!) at the comments on the above article even though that is always, 100% of the time, a terrible idea. However, this time there was a highlight, and that was the women who decided--quite on her own--that I what I was really saying was that a woman couldn't feel if a man was penetrating her. (Clearly, she doesn't know that I, like, live for that particular feeling.) Anyway, just before the comments closed forever and I couldn't respond, she started yelling at/toward me that I clearly had "Numb Vagina Syndrome," as I'm sure she would have done were we to meet in person.

She was quite insistent on her NVS diagnosis, despite the fact that I hadn't actually mentioned my own personal vagina. However, to be safe, I will ask my doctor to check me for Numb Vagina Syndrome. Though I think I'm okay, at least according to my medical book. Which I read in Braille, using my vagina.

Reader-Penned Books!
The Jezebel Effect: Why the Slut Shaming of Famous Queens Still Matters by perennial bad-ass/historical writer Kyra Cornelius Kramer is a smart fiery rant on how we throw the slut label on chicks for doing pretty much anything. I am in particular admiration of Kyra's skillful wielding of slut synonyms including "slammerkin" and "Tarty McHo, Mayor of Skeevyburg."

The Orgasm Rebellion by Frank Lingo, a former Kansas City Star columnist who wrote about environmental and social justice issues, is "an erotic historical novel set in 1899, when women went to doctors for treatment of 'hysteria.'" he writes. Women fight for equality and social justice--but with sex scenes.

Donations!
Thank you to this month's dear, dear donors who used the link there at the right to make sure I can maintain my Lexapro supply:  Dana, Sarah of Sarah's Silks and especially Robert, the IBWMW Minister of Being the Blog's Only Patron, who has set up an automatic donation to go through every damn month--even those months when I just put up lame ol' reruns due to existential crisis, despite aforementioned Lexopro use. Viva Dana, Sarah and Robert!

"I Saw This and Thought of You!"
That is, the subject line of any email I get whenever someone happens upon some weird/funny/completely fucked-up sexual thing. Lately, people kindly thought of me when seeing:

--A glass dildo you can put your dead loved one's ashes into and do dildo stuff with it (Tara)
--A permanent vibrator you can install in your vagina ("brilliant in theory but I'd be scared to try it out," says Christina.)
--3D printed sex toys  ("Think of the possibilities! So cool. Also potentially creepy, because a lot of public libraries and schools are trying to have 3D printers, which is how I ended up stumbling on the article. Still. So cool," writes A.)
--A knitted version of Kama Sutra positions, shown above (Carrie)
--8 Weird Porn Genres including one in which men post pics of cum-covered figurines. ("I'm surprised you didn't write this," says Cathya, who may or may not be dissing me.) 

Robert, Dana, Sarah--hope you got your money's worth. I'm off to check my vagina for cocks, chihuahuas or any other errant objects my Numb Vagina Syndrome may have caused me to overlook.

xoxo
jill
 
(photo News Dog Media)