Sunday, December 31, 2017

What You Weirdos Bought on Amazon This Year

super sexy, but plz consult footnote
When I'm at the store, I'm a cart voyeur. I look at what other people bought and assess/judge them. Do the people with the healthy stuff look healthy? Do the folks with the cart of junk look weak and slovenly? My findings thus far: inconclusive.

And yes, I do the same voyerism/judgey thing to you. Those of you who kindly start your Amazon shopping through one of the links there in the right margin not only support the blog with a few pennies (literally) per purchase and indirectly support democracy not dying in darkness, but you also give me some truly stellar cart voyeurism.*

Every year I look over what you bought, looking to draw big connections like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind when the random letters rise from the newspaper and he sees the Secret Wisdom within.

But, as it is with my cart research, I find myself with more questions than answers. Like:

--Dog toy or sex toy?

--Were the oddly high number of people who bought Naughty With Santa: An Erotic Christmas Story wholly satisfied?  Like $2.99 satisfied?  Seems kinda pricey, though the first sentence alone is probably worth a good buck fifty:  "I really didn't mean to, but I fucked Santa."

--And to the person who bought the Cowardly Lion Badge of Courage. I have no question--just liked that you wanted it. I'm going to imagine that it totally worked.  

I did manage to learn some stuff about you. Here are 4 things that, like Oprah, I Know For Sure.

1. Someone bought a friggin' snow-making machine! And, apparently, you can buy peppermint scented snow juice to go in it! What a world, what a world! (If peppermint is too delightful for you, there's also charred corpse --wtf--or cannabis, aka the cock tease of snow juice scents.)

2. You like to stick all kinds of things in and around your body and the bodies of others, up to and including: 12 speed Ben Wa balls, thigh cuffs, deep throat numbing spray, tons of lube, prostate massagers, and something called Vibrating Penis Rings Fun Clit Dual Vibrating Cock Ring Stretchy Delay Penis Rings Sex Toys for Couple because it's just not a sketchy Amazon sex toy unless there are about 17 seemingly random words in the name, each making it a bit more confusing.

In that vein (huge and realistic, natch), even though I like money and am beyond grateful to you for taking the extra time to buy thru IBWMW, I feel obligated to tell you that jelly toys are are bad for your body. So person who bought XIKEZAN 8" Lifelike Huge Dildo Realistic Penis Sex Toys with Suction Cup Base & Balls 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed (Pink) et al, maybe time to find a new penis n' balls fuck toy.

3. Someone bought a Lock N Hold Rod Rack which, disappointingly, has something to do with fishing.

4.  Except for the person who bought what I would consider an excessive amount of chinos for the big and tall man, y'all like to dress sexy. I mean, damn, girl.

Covering her boobs because, modest

Coincidentally, I too am currently wearing the Eternatstic Women Mesh Cupless Babydoll Sleepwear Lingerie Set Thong (see above: Amazonese product name, word salad) and it's getting a bit hard to type while simultaneously cupping my boobs, so I will leave you for now.

Thank you for your purchases. I am grateful beyond measure. 

To a New Fucking Year, my friend. Huzzah!


*For those of you worried about privacy (hahahaha, privacy is not really a "thing" anymore), I can't actually see who bought what, just what was bought. That means I can't personally thank the person who bought the Vagisil Daily Intimate Powder, Odor Block, but I also don't know that it's YOU that requires ODOR BLOCK for your nether regions. (For the record, don't buy that shit--it's bad for your cooch! Maybe remove sugar from your diet and if things get really rough, try this.)

And in vaguely related news, this is my favorite joke that everyone else thinks is just meh:
Person 1:  Mmm, you smell delicious. What is it?
Person 2:  It's my tampon!  It's scented.

Fund bloggery/outdated communication styles:


Jill Hamilton said...

Note: Vagisil Odor Control scented no longer available in "Dead Corpse"

Anonymous said...

Today I got a package from you, containing a very pink and enticing-looking iBend fron Doc Johnson! I am sooo thankful and thrilled and will try it out tonight! Lots of hugs and greetings from Sweden!

in bed with married women said...

Anon--NO WAY! It's a New Year's Miracle! Hope it's lovely xo

Anonymous said...

Rotflmao!! Very excited 2 read more!!