Monday, December 14, 2015

Balls (Both Scenic and Educational), Public Masturbation and Florida Woman Does Some Dumb Shit

Breathe deeply. It's all gonna be okay.

Yes, I know, you were promised balls. Here you go, friend.

Balls!
--Scenic balls!
"Men are taking photos of their balls in front of beautiful landscapes" is the alluring headline that led me to Nutscapes, a Tumblr featuring just that--beautiful landscapes with just a touch 'o balls hanging gently above the frame like...well, actually like nothing familiar. Rarely, I think, do any of us view nature from that particular under-ball vantage.

Ah, fresh balls in the morning.
If you're really into balls, this site probably won't do it for you because the balls are pretty blurry, and the scenery and the balls sort of cancel each other out, but I do appreciate that there are a bunch of dudes out there doing something so pointless and vaguely subversive. My only suggestion, and I can't believe I'm saying this: needs more balls.

 --Educational balls!
Meanwhile, Senhor Testicle (aka Mr. Balls) is a scrotum-shaped mascot who travels to classrooms, and other places where there is no escape, to bring awareness to testicular cancer. It also brings awareness to the issue of what you're supposed to say to big ol' hairy Spokesballs, especially one wearing an especially sad toupee/merkin thing, eerily smiling at you and silently making the "hug me" gesture.

The day at the fair takes a sudden turn.

Public Masturbation!
If all this talk of balls becomes too sexually arousing for you, for fuck's sake, please be smart about it doing something about it. Don't be like the Louisiana woman who was caught "inappropriately pleasing with a package of Jimmy Dean sausages in a Walmart bathroom. Believe me, I so get being overcome by passion, but this is not good. Not only does the sign clearly state that merchandise should not be brought into the bathroom, but it's a waste of perfectly good(ish) food. Because, once you actually fuck the sausage, they can't put it back on the shelf, at least not without a real good rinse.

Meanwhile, in a marginally more upscale incident, a Kansas City woman was caught in a Target bathroom singing "Let It Go" and involved in some sort of highly emotional threesome with a carrot and an Olaf puppet.

I think the point here is that public restrooms are overwhelming sexy, so if you're going to a big box store, make sure you masturbate at home first. And please pay for all meat products before sticking them into your vagina.

(If you cruelly enjoy the charming foibles of the clearly mentally ill, as I seem to, I suggest you check out the Florida Woman Twitter account featuring important news like "Florida Woman strips naked in restaurant, sticks chair leg in ass, slathers herself in ketchup" or, to return to the previous theme, "Florida Woman won't let go of security guard's testicles, even while being tasered." If you imagine that it's all just one woman doing all of it, it makes if even better. And better still if while imagining that, you concurrently make love to a pack of Jimmy Dean sausages--but not the spicy hot ones, learned my lesson.)

Superhero Blogging!
IBWMW made Kinkly's 2015 list of 100 Sex Blogging Superheros.  We're #13, which is good, since I try to strive for upper mediocrity in all I do. Not sure what this year's superpower is but I'm kinda hoping it's something like this, sent in by my friend Quentin who has spent his life "avoiding VaJayJay" and now will be even more vigilant in his efforts.

Not sure how I'm gonna use this power yet, but I'm thinking at the very least, it might get me a bit more space at the communal tables at Starbucks.

Or maybe I'll smite somebody. I have just the person in mind right now. Hope it's not you...

xoxoxo
jill

p.s. for you Esperanto readers, here is a complete translation of today's missive:

En lieu de fakta enhavo, mi decidis mi simple tuj uzi multajn ekstrajn ekkrion punktoj por ke ĉio ŝajnas pli amuza. Ni provu !!!!! Ĉu ni? Yay !!!!
Buloj!

--Scenic Pilkoj!
"Viroj prenas fotojn de siaj pilkoj antaŭ belaj pejzaĝoj" estas la alluring subtitolo kiu kondukis min al Nutscapes, Tumblr featuring ĝuste tion - belaj pejzaĝoj kun nur tuŝo 'o pilkoj pendas milde super la kadro kiel ... nu , fakte ŝatas nenion familiara. Malofte, mi pensas, do ajna de ni vidas naturon de tiu aparta sub-pilko panoramejo.
Buloj vidanta la vidindaĵojn.
--Educational Pilkoj!
Dume, Senhor testiko (aka Mr. Buloj) estas scrotum-forma maskoto kiu vojaĝas al klasĉambroj kaj aliaj lokoj kie ekzistas neniu fuĝo, por alporti konscion al testika kancero. Mi konjektas ankaŭ alportas konscion al la antaŭe neesplorita demando de kion vi supozis diri al granda ol 'paro de Spokeballs.
La tago ĉe la foiro prenas subitan turnon.
Publika masturbo!
Se ĉiuj ĉi tiu parolado pri pilkoj iĝas tro sekse concitando por vi, por fiki, kalkaj, bonvolu esti inteligenta pri ĝi. Kaj ne estu kiel ĉi Luiziano virino kiun kaptis "malkonvene placxas sin" kun pako de Jimmy Dean kolbasoj en Walmart banĉambro. Kredu min, mi do restu venkite de pasio, sed tio ne estas bona. Ne nur faras la signon klare deklari ke komercado oni ne enportadis en la banĉambro, Sed unufoje vi vere fuck la kolbaso, ili ne povas remetis ĝin sur la breton, almenaŭ ne sen bona Rinse. Tio estas nur malŝparo de perfekte bona (ish) manĝaĵo.
Dume, en marĝene pli luksa incidento, virino estis kaptita en Cel banĉambro kantante "Let It Go" kaj implikita en iu speco de trio kun karoto kaj Olaf marioneto.
Mi kredas ke la punkto estas, ke la publikaj necesejoj estas abrumadora sexy, do se vi tuj granda skatolo vendejo, certigi vin masturbado hejme unue.(Se vi kruele ĝui la ĉarmajn asteniojn de la klare mense malsana, kiel mi ŝajnas, mi sugestas ke vi kontrolu la Florida Virino Twitter konton featuring gravaj novaĵoj kiel "Florida Virino strioj nuda en restoracio, bastonoj seĝo kruro en azenon slathers sin keĉupo "aŭ, por reveni al la antaŭa temo," Florido virino ne lasi iras de sekureco korpogardistoj testikoj, eĉ dum estado tasered. "Se vi imagas, ke ĝi estas ĉio nur unu virino fari ĉiujn de ĝi, ĝi faras se eĉ pli bona. Kaj pli bona ankoraŭ se samtempe amindumu pack de Jimmy Dean kolbasoj - sed ne la pika varma, ili lernis mian lecionon.)

Superhero Blogging!
Tiu estas la klaso de aĵoj kiuj helpis IBWMW farita Kinkly la 2015 listo de 100 sekso Blogging Superheros. Ni estas # 13, kiu estas bona, se mi provos strebi por supra mezkvalito en ĉiuj mi fari. Ne certas kion ĉijara superpotenco estas sed mi kinda esperante ĝi estas io tiamaniere, per mia amiko Quentin.
Ne certe kiel mi estas gonna uzo ĉi povon ankoraŭ, sed mi pensas, almenaŭ, ĝi povus atingi min iom pli spaco je la komunuma tablojn ĉe Starbucks.Aŭ eble mi frapu al iu. Mi havas nur la persono en menso nun. Esperas ĝi ne estas
xoxoxo
Jill


(ball photo via Nutscapes.com, natch)

14 comments:

jill Hamilton said...

Christina G. over on the Facebook page mentioned whoever it is in the Senor Testicle suit. Somehow the ballness of this particular costume makes it seem even more stenchy than the run-of-the-mill grossness of mascot costumes. Poor sod.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh hysterically out loud while sitting in a chemo infusion suite, drawing dirty looks from unhappy people. Thanks a lot. (Not getting chemo; daughter getting growth factor test.) You have a gift for writing about balls and scroti. That is a superpower all its own.

Dale said...

This is all nuts... ;-)

jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous, oh I'm so glad it found you!--except for the part where you bummed out the chemo ward. but thanks for the kind words--needed that $%$#! and if any towns need to be saved via the power of ball-writing, I will be there to save the day.

And Dale, indeed--about 70% worth at least.

Anonymous said...

As always Jill, it's a great article, but I kinda want to know how they caught the woman at walmart, or maybe I don't...

in bed with married women said...

anonymous, oh but you do. she was seen on security cameras shoving sausages down her shirt then disappeared into the restroom. when she didn't come out 1/2 hour later, a security guard popped in to check on her and saw her and the sausages doing it. if it were a porno, he woulda hopped on in there, but instead he ran away and called the police.

also, this post was sent out over some sort of Esperanto Twitter feed. I am enchanted by the thought of Esperanto fans earnestly translating this, even as it begins to slowly dawn on them that is really is just all about balls.

Anonymous said...

Ah Jill, you have done it again. For me, the balls in the western scene need some ah, manscaping. When mine get like that, I get out the trimmer.
Re superpower
If you have this female-only-super power (like the very e-lectrical(or was that fire?)-Asian woman) I hope you will only use it for good.
RE 11 orgasmic- vibrator positions, LOVE that especially!
devotedly yours,
T

in bed with married women said...

good god, t. "get out the trimmer" !
thanks for the cosmo vibrator article love xo

Mongo, At The Moment said...

Hats off to you, as usual; this is classic!

While any interest in Testicles Not My Own is exceptionally low, the Wal-Mart episode stopped me dead in my tracks.

Setting aside the public aspect of the masturbation (which, you know, makes sense from a 'getting caught' perspective), I focused instead on the woman's erotic use of a piece of music written for a Disney CG cartoon film. Then, laughed hard enough to involuntarily wet myself. Kid you not.

in bed with married women said...

Mongo--thanks and/or sorry!
meanwhile, i will be quietly returning the copy of "Testicles Not My Own" I'd gotten you for your birthday.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Like you don't obsess about out-of-place hairs too, Jill!
I bet you a Gewurztraminer you do TOO (Probably MORESO!)
T

jill Hamilton said...

T, when you said "trimmer" i pictured, like, a weed wacker for some reason. cause that's how it is in my brain.

ValdVin said...

Jill, can't imagine that Kinkly existed this long and nobody told me! Must spend entirely too much time on it, and try the other sites.

jill Hamilton said...

Vald, don't forget to get up once in a while and walk around. #hypochondriaTalking

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