Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Reader Question on Dirty Sex Talk, Joan Rivers on Saggy Bits, and Life Philosophies That May Or May Not Help You.

"Line, please."
1.  First, this question from reader G:  
     Hi Jill,
     Any chance of writing a piece on sexual insults that men would find a turn on?
     I love being called a bitch/slut/whore etc, whilst being right royally fucked, but I often struggle with how to respond without damaging the delicate male ego!  I'd love you to write about dirty sex talk that women could use towards men.
     Thanks :-)
    Kind regards,
    G

Okay, a) I am presently too lazy and stricken with "restless legs"* to write a whole big thing about dirty sex talk. (However, here's a vaguely-related, consolation one about a lover's moan and other completely lovely sex sounds...)

But b), and probably more importantly, these days I don't fucking know. (See also: I had sex with water.) However, I do love your phrase "whilst being right royally fucked" so let's throw your question out to the Strangers of the Internet. Strangers? Can you come up with anything, you dirty, dirty...um, selfish passive-aggressive fuckheads who can't recognize real love and big, earth-shaking passion when it stares you right in the fucking face, goddammit... Um, yeah.  So this is why I need you to handle this one. Anyone?

2.  A lot of people think that Joan Rivers was bitchy and mean, which she totally was, but she was also ground-breaking, ballsy and often hilarious. I laughed a ton reading her book  I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me especially this bit on why she hates old bodies:

Everything drops when you get old...boobs, bellies, butts, everything.  Last week my friend Miriam was sagging so much she tripped over her vagina. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade. She said she's glad her vagina dropped because every time there's an earthquake she's suctioned to the floor.

C'mon, the woman was a billion years old and saying completely edgy things like that. Viva Joan!

3.  And finally these two bits of Possible Life Wisdom I received today via mass emailings which, as everyone knows, is where all of history's great sages got their enlightenment.

This from Pamela Madsen in an email with the subject line: " The Vagina is A Gateway To Our Well Being," which as subject lines go, pretty well gets to the point.

Why do I believe that a woman's vagina and her erotic arousal is the gateway to her happiness? It's partly about a neurotransmitter we call Dopamine. Women are able to create and move Dopamine through their body themselves by engaging in a practice that I teach called "The Lotus Lift".

It's really the self stimulation of a woman's own genitals. When women are not moving Dopamine in their bodies they are more likely to engage in addictive behavior, have depression, low libido, sleep disturbances, "restless legs", a lack of ambition and drive and look a the world through a colorless glass. When women are able to bring their Dopamine levels up to a normal level they experience a feeling of well being in their body, their creativity goes up, they are motivated and happier with the little things in life.

What's the magic trick? Getting women to be willing to touch their own genitals on a regular basis and explore the power of their arousal as a healing life force energy.
Okay, if I ignore overly specific part about "restless legs"

Not shown: Time frame for "restless legs" cure.

and the phrase "getting women to touch their genitals on a regular basis" and especially especially that she calls it "The Lotus Lift" (dear god, woman!), I am completely down with the part about a woman's arousal being this sort of huge, amazing life force. 'Cause it so is!

And finally, this from Matthew Hussey who is a bit of a dating huckster, but I liked this nonetheless.  It's about taking chances, risking embarrassment and whatnot. Here he's furthering some metaphor about your ego being like an expensive camera--don't be so worried about breaking it that you don't get the shots or something. Anyway, he says:

People are so busy nursing themselves and cradling themselves and so afraid of the scratches that they never end up using all of their creative channels, they never end up saying half the things they could say to the person they’re interested in. They never go through half the experiences they could go through in life, they’re too busy avoiding the scratches.

Don’t be afraid of the scratches. 


***

Don't be afraid of the scratches, motherfuckers.

xoxo,
jill

*Only for the purposes of this joke. I do not actually have restless legs.  DO. NOT. HAVE. Ok?

(photo)
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