Monday, November 4, 2013
It was a guy and a girl fucking--right there in the lingerie department dressing room.
"Oh God, I am going crazy," the guy whispered with a feral desperate lust, to the sound of bodies and clothes being undone/pushed up/pulled down to get better access to each other. Hot.
"Fuck yeah," said the chick in a tinny voice. "Fuck yeah."
"Fuck yeah"? Ugh. So...trite and porny.
That she said "Fuck yeah" totally ruined it for me, which is lame and judgey but there you go. Maybe it's because I'm a writer or maybe because I'm female*, but to me, the things that are said during sex are hugely important.
Words are even more important during sexting 'cause it's all words. Wrong stuff just sits there being wrong. And autocorrect just fucks with things even more. Autocorrect can turn a sexting-appropriate response of "Oh God, mmm...." into an upsetting-to-all "Oh God, mom..."
Several weeks back, I asked the 1,164 good citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page for some examples of bad sexting, as well as bad sex talk in general, and got stories of "precum" becoming "precinct" (usage: "I want to lick your precinct") "ass" becoming "assistant" (i.e. "I am grabbing your sweet assistant, hard") and the like.
Of course, some of it's just personal preference--one person's hot talk is another person's passion destroyer. Once in high school, a guy was trying to get me to take off my shirt and instead of just saying that--hell, it might have worked--he asked me if I wanted to try something called--puke!--"smurfing," which near as I could gather, had nothing to do with Smurfs (thankfully)** and everything to do with me taking off my shirt.
Here are some more:
Quentin: I wanted to say, "I would love to see you when I am in town." Instead it came over, "I would love to fuck you while I am in town." Needless to say, that coming from this gay man, to an older straight friend was quite shocking!!
Mark: "I'm pregnant, you're the father, and I'm gonna kill all three of us!" ....She was quite a lady...
Claudette: I was about to give him a blowjob and he said, "Suck it like it's the last cock on Earth."
Jane: I once typed a very graphic and rather perverted text to my (then) boyfriend Neil and promptly sent it to a work colleague called Neina....Actually that would be a better answer if the question was "Have you ever sent a text and then shouted NOOOOOOOO at your phone?"
Hey, get to the contest part, lady.
Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. Winner will be determined by the vagaries of my whims. Deadline is, let's say, Friday, November 8. Enter via comment below, the IBWMW Facebook page, comment form at right or email.
*There is some evidence that it could be a chick thing. Females are more subject to distraction during sex. According to Kinsey:
Cheese crumbs spread in front of a pair of copulating rats may distract the female, but not the male. A mouse running in front of a pair of copulating cats may distract the female and not the male. When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed while the bull may try to continue with coitus. (Note: The word "coitus," btw, should never be used during coitus. Or maybe ever.)
** The separation of Smurfs and sex is a personal decision for me, and not one shared by everyone--as evidenced by this fan fiction "Smurfette's Springtime Encounter" which contains the following verbatim passage:
Tenderly, Rina reached up parting Smurfette’s hairy vagina lips. She could see a little pink bump at the top as Gargamel said. This caused the bound blonde Smurf to protest more, and try to wiggle her hips in hope to shake off Rina’s hand. Rina leaned forward with her tongue out placing it on the moist pink nub. There was a salty tang that wasn’t bad. She proceeded to move her tongue tip lightly over Smurfette’s clitoris. Smurfette’s pubic hair was course on her tongue.
(Photo via Passionate Sexual Healing)