Friday, June 6, 2014

On the Benefits of a Smaller Penis by Blue

Oh god, please tell me I didn't send an email last night to
 IBWMW about my lover's ruddy, noble, well-formed penis
Reader Blue sent in the following missive. When I asked her what pseudonym she'd like, she answered, "I can't believe I sent that! I wrote that while drunk a few weeks ago and sent it while drunk last night."

Don't worry, Blue, lots of people write to me when they're drunk, which is probably not at all flattering, but I'm just gonna decide that it is actually highly flattering and be done with it.

Besides, the whole drunk Internet/texting/sexting possibilities available to Today's Modern Drunk makes me so so so happy that my own drunken days were pre-all of that. I can't even fucking imagine the hideousness of waking up all bleary-eyed and hung over and having to face my Sent Mail folder to see what horrors might lie within.

To her credit, Blue is not the incoherent mess of a drunk I was, so I reprint her story here in its full glory. Enjoy.

a few weeks ago i saw your invitation to "Just sit down at the computer, rip your heart out, and jot the results down"  and started writing this.  i don't know if this is what you want, and that was awhile ago but here's my story: 

i started writing this because of the part of dusky's letter where she writes "the idea that naturally the greatest sex of your life will be with the love of your life."  for me sex was indeed "a litmus test of the true inner feelings of two people" although love has always been a Big Deal for me, sex had never been the highest on my list of priorities.  i had attributed my lackluster sex life to my complete disinterest, not the other way around. it had kind of escaped my notice that the way people feel physically and the way they feel emotionally have a lot to do with each other.  there is no aphrodisiac like love... 

so i didn't know this but not everybody is know... anatomically compatible.  there is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  sorry guys, but now you know.  it CAN be too big.  but i didn't learn this little secret until i cheated.  and let me tell you, for those lucky people out there who have never cheated on anybody: it a repulsive experience, don't do it!  but then, the marriage sucked and sometimes you don't know the grass is greener until you get on the other side of the fence.  sure it looks greener, but.... now i know.  

there are people in the world who are really good at having sex.  just like mozart was a great composer, da vinci was a master painter, and stratavarius made the best violins ever, some people are really REALLY good at fucking.  

now i knew this, intellectually.  and i knew, through hearsay and good sources, that this friend of mine, i'd had a crush on for the better part of a decade, was an unusually talented fucker.  i didn't know what that meant exactly and i was trying not to think about it.   so imagine my surprise when, wonder of wonders, he can get me off like nothing ever has with just his hands. seriously, ladies, this is unreal. i came with the force of a multi-ton atom bomb and we were still wearing our undies.  

now ok, why is it that when we're talking about penises "good" and "big" are essentially the same? i mean even saying a woman's tits are small is not at all the same caliber of insult, if it even is an insult, as saying a man's penis is small.  we are doing penises (and vaginas, mine specifically) a grave disservice by grading them on size rather than performance and aesthetics.  now some ladies like them big. that's cool, it takes all kinds. but for me, big is painful. did you know the average is 5.5"? my fingers are shorter than that and they do quite well. anything much larger is painful. really painful.  like guys, can you imagine if something thumped your balls while you were trying to get off? ow. you size queens can have 'em.  

so here i finally get this boy naked... well he's working with a different set of equipment than i'm used to. it was the perfect penis: well formed, noble of carriage, ruddy in complexion, and, wonder of wonders, uncircumcised!   i realize this is a contentious topic, but in my extremely limited experience (sample size: 2) uncircumcised has my vote.  and this penis came in a decidedly more manageable size.  suddenly i was able to try positions i'd only dreamed of! sex didn't hurt no matter how i did it!  i could get off without having to micromanage!  

now it wasn't all about sex, the marriage wouldn't have ended if sex had been its only shortfall and the other guy had more going for him in basically every way, but i offer this as a cautionary tale: sometimes if the shoe fits, wear it. 

If you want to rip your own heart out and tell us something true about your sex life, get brave and drop me a line.

(source Inner Optics, Anonymous, c 1870)


Anonymous said...

"Noble of carriage". I wish I'd thought of that ~ so evocative of a certain type of wiener.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous--By coincidence, A Certain Type of Wiener is the name of my new mystery novel coming out this fall on HarperCollins.

dirtycowgirl said...

It's a good job I don't really get drunk that often, now that I have seen this open invitation.

Totally agree with this though - there is definitely such a thing as too big.
I once met one that I could do absolutely nothing with - not even kidding it was THAT big I could just about get both hands round it. No way I was attempting anything else.

not exactly "Saint" Michael said...

This lady is awesome drunk... I too like "noble of carriage". I spose i could be biased... I'm also uncircumcised. For the record 9 / 10 women agree with the author's preference. :)

jenerosity said...

Yes, too big, like banging on your cervix big, is not a good thing! And it frustrates me to no end that I cannot give a decent beej without unhinging my jaw... I cannot prove my "skills!"

Anonymous said...

I am so jealous of Blue. I would be fucking DELIGHTED to have had her experience with "the perfect penis: well formed, noble of carriage, ruddy in complexion, and, wonder of wonders, uncircumcised " And I love her descriptive prose as well.

If Blue wants a parade for finding the uncircumsized one, she has my vote. If memory serves, and I wouldn't count on it, I've had one or two uncircumcised myself, but then right about now, I'd take a warm, 61 year old, well molded vibrator if one is available. Enough said.

Blue, for me that any port in the storm is better than no boat, no motor, no oars, and no man doing it to you.

Thanks Jill. Keep on doing what you do best- keeping us all laughing in the face of stress, insecurities, and a decided lack of lusty fucking.

Dusky said...

Hoorah for fabulous sex! What a good read. Nice to have smaller penises getting some credit too. I agree the whole 'bigger is better' idea is simply not true for many, and not a helpful rumour to have going about the place. And yes, some people just are really good at sex!

Incidentally, I'm very happy my story helped inspire further sharing, drunken or otherwise. :)

Anonymous said...

Really Great Story....! I am completely crazy to know about that.