Saturday, March 1, 2014

"Don't You Fucking Move," Letter from a Feminist Submissive

Didn't I tell you not to strive for
equality in the workplace?
(Hey gorgeous, found this in the backwaters of the blog today and I loved it all over again. Just ignore the highly untimely Fifty Shades of Grey tie-in, and you'll be good.)

Today's letter came in response to a Newsweek cover story on Fifty Shades of Grey, the insanely popular S&M-y mommy porn, unpromisingly spawned by, of all things, Twilight fan fiction.

Reader Submissive and Truly Fine With That was but one of the people pissed off by the article, which tied (yes, and I'm too lazy to think of a better word) working women and feminism to S&M. You can read her response below.

If you are unfamiliar with Fifty Shades of Grey, see this Daily Beast article on the book's 14 Naughtiest Bits (a genius idea!) Here, you can witness Perfectly Good Smut being ruined by a few ill-chosen words. For example, when heroine/virgin Anastasia (she would so be named that) watches Christian's (same deal) "erection spring free" (so far so good), she thinks--unlike a young woman would, but exactly like a middle-aged fan fiction-writing author might--"Holy cow!"

Later, when she takes him in her mouth (again, a good start...) it's described thusly: "He's my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder...Hmmm...My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

By the time Anastasia's "inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils," my own inner goddess is "confused and ready to go to the kitchen and get a cup of coffee."

But I digress. Please give a warm welcome to Submissive and Truly Fine With That:

Dear IBWMW;
God bless you for being the one place I can send this email. I just finished reading an article in Newsweek about how (or why) today’s feminists have a more-than-passing interest in S&M, or more to the point, being sexually submissive. Now I feel the need to rant because of all the sources they consulted, they neglected to ask one of us, ie. a feminist who craves domination. (To be fair, they did quote Simone de Beauvoir, but, last time I checked, she’s dead.) I thought, what better venue to rant to than this column? (Actually, there is no other option. I really don’t want to disgust any of my friends with details of my sex life beyond relative wang dimensions or whether a guy was “orally efficacious” or not.)

For starters, I have to admit I believe I was born into this desire. My first sexual fantasies all involved bondage; usually, some guy I hated or found grossly unattractive would tie me up and have his way with me. In retrospect, I think it had to be someone I didn’t like for the submission to feel “honest”.  

If I go backwards in my life to my first physical sexual feeling, it was this: a happy little tingle between my legs while watching a TV episode of "Batman and Robin." The boys were tied up in a hot air balloon that was continuously ascending and their ultimate demise was imminent. I didn’t recognize it as sexual excitement at the time, but I do now. The numerous episodes of “Electra Woman and Dyna Girl” that followed elicited the same phenomenon. And they were tied up or trapped at least once per episode. No wonder that was my favorite show.


As adults though, our every desire has to have a reason; I've never read a source that claimed to have located the “bondage gene” or the “anal gene” or what have you. So here is my explanation for why I like, fantasize about and crave being held down, tied up, spanked, talked dirty to, forced to submit even after I’ve said no.

Yes, I am a feminist. Yes, I am in control of my own life, my own finances, my own household.  No one pushes me around or takes advantage of me. Most people wouldn’t even try. I am taller than most, smarter than the vast majority, attractive and confident. At work, I am “Bad Cop.” People may be a little afraid of me, but they also respect my results. I am powerful. And we all know how power is an enormous aphrodisiac. I am certain that most men who are attracted to me fantasize about me dominating them. And a lot of other men are way too intimidated to even consider me a viable possibility.

But once in a great while, I’ll meet someone who gives me that carnivorous gaze that says he wants to eat me for breakfast and make me beg for more….and I just go weak in the knees. Because I too am attracted to power and confidence. And it takes a confident man with balls the size of the Jupiter to suggest that I meet him at his hotel room and be prepared to leave the word “no” at the door.

Full disclosure: I am married and I have been known to show up at said hotel room once or twice. Lucky for me, men like that are rare, so I don’t abandon my marriage vows very often. The last time, still fresh in my mind after 18 months, was delicious. This man, who barely knew me, had me stripped naked, spread-eagled and climaxing before he even took his tie off. When I attempted to make a mildly aggressive move, he laughed appreciatively and said, “You don’t get to be in charge here.” Later on, when I said I was done and wanted to stop, he didn’t. He slowed down. He asked me, “You want me to stop?” I said yes. He didn’t. When I realized he thought either I didn’t mean it, or he didn’t care, I got turned on all over again and came (again) within minutes.

This man has so-so looks and is hardly my type. He has a so-so job and a degree from an okay university. He's not rich or marvelously athletic. He is quite clever and our conversations are never boring and he can definitely make me laugh. But would I look twice at him in a bar? Nope. Would I want him as a husband? Absolutely not. He’s petty and childish, self-centered and vain. But when he calls me on the phone, I still get tingly.

I recall one past phone-sex conversation with him. I was alone, in bed, listening to his voice tell me how to get myself off. As I neared the finish line he said in a serious, threatening tone, “Don’t move. Don’t you fucking move.” Needless to say, hearing that pushed me over the edge in a cataclysmic fashion that I have never since been able to replicate, alone or otherwise. And I know why. It is because this man, who doesn’t deserve me and couldn’t even handle me as a spouse or girlfriend or co-worker or whatever, can shove me down on a bed and show me who’s boss. And that takes guts. Who wouldn’t want to fuck that?

Sincerely,
submissive and truly fine with that

(photo source)

8 comments:

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

Awesome, awesome read. Kudos to you both.

In general, it seems like the bed is always the one place where you can be whoever you want. Why is it so wrong to want to be submissive? Sometimes I like to be in charge too, but for the most part, being submissive is fun. Letting else take charge for once is nice, because yes, I can definitely be bossy and/or controlling. I'm a chief more than an indian.

On another note, while reading the numerous articles you linked to, I read a comment somewhere about the need for the separation of sex and aggression and it struck me as being fundamentally wrong. It reminded me of a course I took in animal reproduction. When we got to the unit on copulation (by far my favorite chapter), I loved learning about all the mating rituals in animals because they're really fascinating. They're also aggressive. They're primal. And overall, they're pretty fucking kinky. Male pigs foam at the mouth when sexually excited. The foam also contains pheromones that are believed to excite the female. Horse sex is dangerous because the animals get pretty excited and rowdy and often hurt themselves or each other. Part of their mating ritual involves neck biting. Nuzzling of the rump and genitalia of the female is necessary for stimulation in the bull. My favorite is probably the lordosis effect where a female in estrus spontaneously elevates her hindquarters in response to stimulation in preparation for mounting. Despite the natural, "submissive" role of the female in mating, she is also has her own power. In most species, mating occurs only if the female is willing. Otherwise, she will literally scratch his eyes out.

Sorry for the essay. Just thought it was interesting that that comment made me think of all this...

in bed with married women said...

CKITM--ah, girl, i LOVE your essay comments, this one in particular. When do we learn from some internet stranger's blog comment? Barely ever, I say! Now excuse me, I am going to practice the lordosis effect and see where it gets me.

bettyfokker said...

I'm submissive ... but it's because I am lazy and know if I am tied up Sweet Babou will get me my big O without me having to work for it, even a little. The irony is that he likes this because he thinks it is kinky.

The Spiral said...

Fifty Shades of Grey helped me to discover my hidden masochistic side: after spending an afternoon skimming the 350+ pages of jaw-grindingly awful prose, I figured I must truly love pain to have put myself through that. It even READS like bad Twilight fanfic...actually, this crap makes Twilight look like War and Peace.

Beyond that, I don't understand why this standard BDSM-lite stuff is suddenly such a big deal. I LOVE it when my husband spanks me in the bedroom. I don't feel the need to relate it to feminism, or equality, or even to intellectualize it at all. It just *feels* good, in an endorphin-rush kind of way. What's truly masochistic is feeling the need to come up with sweeping, convoluted explanations for simply doing what feels good.

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

Ooh, I'm glad you dragged this up again. I forgot all about it and I fell in love all over again too :)

Unknown said...

Thanks for this.

The love of my life looked at me the other evening and said, "You project such power! It scares me. And I love it."

Anonymous said...

I'd guess that part of the popularity resides in this "Holy Cow" business, which allows a broader range of readers to identify with our heroine.

in bed with married women said...

Can't: And liking your comment all over again, too.
Unknown: uh-huh
Anon: you're probably right! like, "oh, that's just what I would say too!" Well, I fucking wouldn't say that, but maybe someone else would think that was just..dandy.

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