Thursday, December 6, 2012

Cathy, the Inflatable Cow. Slut. Lover. Temptress.

Whenever someone tells me, "I saw this and thought of you," it's never about helping orphans or something--I don't know--reputable. No, it's always about some weird-ass horse fetish gear or a big honking dildo with wings or something.

Today was no different. Someone saw this and, well, you know. Let me just show you the photo.
Let us read the ad copy together, shall we?
Elsie Blow Up Cow is an inflatable cow. Elsie has a rear entrance and makes a moo sound when she is excited! For farm sexual enhancement.
Okay, let's stop here a moment and take stock. "Cathy" is an inflatable cow. That you fuck. That much is clear. But as highly disturbing as that is in itself, it is just the beginning of the conundrums Cathy brings up. For one, why does it come with the supposed aphrodisiac Spanish Fly? If fucking a blow-up cow is your thing, shouldn't an aphrodisiac be unnecessary? Two, why does the product come from a company called Discreet Romance? Maybe it's the writer in me, but I think the word "romance" is a bit strong for what's going to go down with poor Cathy. And finally, and perhaps most unsettlingly, don't the people who designed the box know that there's no apostrophe in "moos"? It an outrageous misuse of punctuation, I tell you!  

And not to offend both the right wing and PETA with a few careless words, but is it really so difficult to get lucky with an actual animal? I mean, how much of a loser do you have to be to not be able to score with livestock? "Yeah, last night I was with this really cute sheep. I bought her dinner and got her pretty drunk, but she's just not ready for an intimate relationship."  

Maybe I don't understand. Cathy and I would have to overcome several barriers to have a "romance." One of which is that I am a women and the only thing I can think of to do with Cathy is to go down on her. And that doesn't seem like it would do much for me or Cathy, despite the potential for Cathy making "a moo sound when she is excited." 

If you want to create a whole sexy barnyard menagerie, you can also get some of Cathy's buddies, including Blow Up Billy GoatErotic Love Piggie and Luvin Lamb. That way, if you and Cathy have a fight or something, you can still get some sweet vinyl love action. (Although, I can't help but worry about those jagged seams where the vinyl meets. Sharp seams + personal area = can't be good.)

If you're still determined to go this route, as I see it, your biggest problem--besides, of course, that you're fucking inflatable animals--is making sure you have a really, really good hiding place for them. Even the most penis-like looking vibrator can be semi-passed off as a personal massager, but good luck explaining why Luvin Lamb is lying ravished in your bed, all covered in Spanish Fly lube. "She's....she's....she's...oh, damn it, we're IN LOVE!"


Addendum:  I was discussing Cathy with my friend Tim and told him that on her web site there were all kinds of testimonials from supposed "customers" on Cathy's reputed hotness. They were all along the lines of "I got Cathy as a joke, but then one night I was feeling lonely and..." 

My friend considered this and said, "I've been lonely, but I've never been 'cow-lonely.'"


The Housewife said...

This reminds me of a toy that The Husband used to have as a child - you could milk it!

Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow!

As far as Cathy goes - ew.

Alexi said...

This reminds me of a program on an adult trade show I saw recently. I was kind of curious what might be featured besides women who are porn stars. I had to turn it off when they showed a booth that had dog masks, complete with gags. They also had booties so your, er, bitch could have paws. Yuck. Sick.

Anonymous said...

Please tell me Cathy sings "MOOOn River."

CkretsGalore said...

I've always wondered about those plastic seams too. Seams a lil ouch!

FreeFlying said...

Hilarious. All of it.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you found something that spurred this hilarious response on my blog! Great post and thanks for the credit. :)

Hills said...

I once found (and, naturally, purchased) a blow up cow myself - complete with painted on garters and thigh high fish nets - the photographs of which I am currently DYING to find.

Mine was not Spanish Fly accompanied, though, which leads me to believe thate either the Brits are turned on enough that they don't need it, or perhaps they prefer a more saliva-based lubricant.

Either way I find it extraordinarly creepy, despite my lifelong struggle to remain non judgemental.


- B x

Belinda said...

Can't stop giggling at this one. Afraid I'm going to wake up the kiddies.

Anonymous said...

Not to burst your bubble, but it actually says "Not Seen On TV." The manufacturer, Pipedream, makes some pretty good bachelorette party supplies, and a bunch of complete crap sex toys.

planet janet said...

Perhaps this farm menagerie could have dual usage as pool toys. But the neighbors might find them disturbing.

Betty Fokker said...

Confession: Sweet Babou's groomsmen brought him a blow-up sheep to the bachelor party. It was a Scots-themed wedding, and they wanted it to be as authentic as possible. They were upstaged, though. At the reception, the belly-dancers (it was a really interesting wedding, as befitting the betrothed) gave him a real, live sheep ... wearing a bra and garter belt. Sweet Babou, normally a shy man, stomped up to the sheep and loudly hissed, "I told you not to come here! It's over, dammit!" It was an awesome wedding, come to think of it.

Anonymous said...

a coworker(female) bought me this for a gag gift one xmas and insisted that I use it for its designed purpose...I felt obliged .Aside from the act being completely ridiculous those plastic seams SUCK! akin to sexing a cheap halloween costume or inflatable raft....that moos .

Adult Toys said...

Great point about "As seen on TV". What the hell show is advertising a fuckable blowup cow? I thought I had every channel that comcast offered!?!

Doc Johnson

Zannie Q. said...

I am a little disturbed by the unexplained "cousin grampa" underneath bachelor/bachelorette. What does that mean?

in bed with married women said...

Zannie Q.--Oh god, it's a whole 'nother level!