Friday, February 2, 2018

IKEA, Tentacles and Other Sexy Sexy Things

[Hey! Look what I found from back when the blog and the rest of us were shiny and new, unaware of what would befall us. Yes, my friends, welcome to 2010.]

After a few months of In Bed With Married Women, I thought I was getting somewhat savvy about what's going on out there in the world of sex. But as it turns out, clearly I have no fucking idea. None.

Like, just today, I learned that there is a whole genre of art, animation and storytelling focused on tentacle eroticism, which is the desire to enjoy sexual congress with particularly fetching members of the octopus or squid family. The fetish is traced from the early 19th century woodcut, The Dream of the Fisherman's Wife (aka,"Honey, I had a really weird dream last night," shown above) by Japanese artist Katsushika Hokusai, (a man who, as Nathan Reed put it in Cracked.com, "Liked him some tentacles.") The tentacle love was inadvertently furthered when Japanese censors banned depictions of penis penetration but weren't forward-thinking enough to ban depictions of tentacle penetrations as well. (I am pretty sure they assumed such a ban wouldn't be necessary. And, to be fair, if I had been sitting there in that censorship meeting, it's not like I would want to be the one to be bringing up the subject of tentacle/personal orifice contact.)

Hey Sailor, do you like IKEA?
As if that weren't enough--and I'm quite sure it is--there's this whole other thing I learned regarding IKEA and sex. And, no, I'm not referring to the almost sexual rush of finding stylish throw pillows at an Impossible Price but rather actual sex at IKEA. Apparently there's this whole sex thing going on at IKEA--meet-ups in the parking lot, stolen moments for bathroom hand jobs, furniture assembly/masturbation dates--or so it would seem according to Nerve.com's Best of Craigslist: IKEA Sex, a compilation of hook-up/sex ads that mention IKEA. One ad reads: "Going to IKEA? What you cock sucked?" Yes, "what you" cock sucked. I know this is illogical, but if I had a cock and indeed wanted it sucked at the IKEA, I would want a cock sucker with better grammar skills. I'm picky like that.

Writes another aspirer to IKEA sex:
I bought this IKEA table and I can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable. 
I especially love the touch of the unlimited iced tea. I'm mean she/he has already offered to masturbate--with a dildo--but somehow feels the need to sweeten the deal. "Hmmm," she/he pondered while composing the ad on the floor, next to the mockingly still-unassembled IKEA table, "What does everyone love besides masturbation (with a dildo)? Iced tea! And not just one puny glass of iced tea--unlimited iced tea."

What especially wigged me out about this IKEA sex thing is that one of the IKEA sex ads is for a meet-up at the Costa Mesa IKEA, that is, my IKEA. Which means that I'm not just missing on this trend in a general sense, but in a very literal sense at my own damn neighborhood IKEA. While I'm in blissful ignorance eating attractively-priced gravalax in the Costa Mesa IKEA cafeteria, someone's probably a couple yards away in an ergonomically-designed bathroom stall smearing lingonberries all over a stranger. This is unsettling news, to say the least. But...I do love IKEA and I'm ashamed to admit that I'm not sure that decadent sex between poor grammarians going on all around me as I obliviously shop for housewares is enough to make me stop going there.

I will, however, draw the line at having sex with a tentacle. As mentioned above, I do have standards. Although if the tentacles offered furniture assembly, excellent grammar skills and unlimited iced tea...

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I will never look at Squidward in the same way again.

Anonymous said...

Don't let my husband see what the going rate for IKEA furniture assembly is. He didn't get masturbating OR ice tea for putting together the couch.

Enid Wilson said...

LOL, I love IKEA and it's the first time I read about this. Must retweet!

My Darcy Mutates…

Anonymous said...

Perhaps next time I have an IKEA item that needs assembling, I will invite a tentacled mollusk over. It can work an allen wrench, pour iced tea, and service me all at the same time!

Anonymous said...

The tenticle thing is all over the internet believe it or not. Apparently people like it...not so much my kind of thing but yea...

you'd be amazed what crazy stuff is out there...it never ends!

Anonymous said...

if you beat an octopus, you will find tenderness- old greek saying.

John U said...

I long time lover of mine introduced me to tentacle porn. At first I didn't get it, but because I love her, I continued to think about it, and my conclusion is that it is a metaphor for the desire to have many of one's erogenous areas touched at the same time. One can't do that for oneself, and it is hard to accomplish even with a partner. I haven't calculated how many humans one would need to do it all - I'm talking about massaging one's belly, kissing the neck, ears, nipples, etc, as well as the obvious pink bits and orifices - but at least two, maybe three or four.

jill Hamilton said...

John, Since 2010 when I wrote this, I've kind of shifted my outlook on fetishes. then i was like "haha, that's weird" (and sometimes I still am.) Now I LOVE when people explain their fetishes. To be passionate about anything is pretty great, I say. And I love how you listened and got it. xo

Anne Hart-Robinson said...

I'm just going to go on and say this... but a tentacle, physically speaking, could be really very very good. I'm not sure I'm going to start fantasising about actual sea-creatures, but maybe in an alternative universe, with no pre-conceptions, I might like a lover with multiple squidgy, suckered limbs.

Julie James said...

I’m with Anne. Not so much into Octopuses, but I could definitely see the benefits of tentacles and suckers 🦑

First bass said...

I was a woodworker for awhile. Long enough to learn the sensual potential of a snug mortice and tendon joint, a level above hex screws...

jill Hamilton said...

Anne and Julie--I haven't seen it yet, but this maybe takes a different tenor post-Shape of Water.

And first bass, I am going this very second to go look up mortice and tendon joint to understand.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jill
I had heard reference to this fetish before but it was NOT accompanied by your fabulous art depiction. The artwork sort of explains the whole deal doesn't it?. Well, not the iced tea part.
RE fetishes
I was introduced to a new fetish last month by a customer of mine who is also a part-time pro-dome. She referred me to the work of one Namio Harukawa, after a discussion we had regarding submissiveness and dominance and body-size fetishes. I will add that I found some of Mr Harukawa's work quite stimulating. Love the column,...Love your writing!

Castle said...

IKEA is one of the best recognized furniture brands all over the world. It appeals to a young and hip audience, as it makes affordable furniture and home furnishing choices that's especially favored by those just starting out on their own.

Anonymous said...

So...will IKEA just put that advertisement up above me out if people put just any old thing up on the web that mentions IKEA? Let's find out.

Once, I went to IKEA with a young, hip friend from college who was in the market for affordable home furnishing choices since he was just starting out on his own.

Anyway, when we were checking out, the cashier offered to manipulate his schwanz for some candy.

jill Hamilton said...

Anon--haha! actually i just checked--it's from a sex store but let's see what they do! ps bonus points for use of the word "schwanz"

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the bonus points, Jill. I love words that begin with more than three consonants.

By the way, anybody know why a sex shop out there is shilling for IKEA?

Have a great day.

Anonymous Bob

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...