Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Did You Marry The Best Sex Of Your Life?

As though you didn't already have enough damn stuff to worry about, now two surveys have come out saying that if you're a married and/or olderish person, your sex life probably sucks ass. And not in a good way.

According to a survey in the Telegraph, three-quarters of people over 45 think sex became less enjoyable after they turned 40. The average 45+ person has sex once a week and this Sex of the Week--which is generally done in the missionary position, in a bedroom, with the lights off--rarely lasts more than 22 minutes, including any sort of foreplay.

And if all this weren't enough, 31% of people had cut a session short because as the Telegraph so Britishly put it, "They were too exhausted to carry on." "Simon, I do say, I am exhausted and can no longer carry on. If you've not come, perhaps a nice wanking off for you, old fellow?" (In marginally-related wanking off news: I was looking up British slang terms for masturbation and discovered --to my horror--that "jill off" is a vulgar term for female masturbation. How is it that they know?) But anyway, these Brits are so out of shape they can't even manage a boring session of weekly dutiful sex. Brits, mind you! Not drive-thru window-using, cheeseburger-eating, WalMart cart-riding Americans. I can (all too easily) see being too tired to start sex, but too tired to finish sex? Man, how crappy would you feel if your partner just stopped mid-thrust and said, "Eh, I'm too fat and lazy to continue banging you"?

The good news in a study from iVillage was that nearly half of the women surveyed married the person with whom they'd had the best sex of their lives. But it gets more confusing from there. Two-thirds of the women said they'd rather do something else like read a book, go to a movie, etc... than have sex with Mr. Supposedly Best Sex of Their Lives. A huge majority, 81%, described their sex lives as "predictable," but then they go on to report than most of them are quite happy with their sex lives.

I was confused by the whole survey until I saw that only 62% of women "admitted" they had fantasized about having sex with someone other than their spouse. Oh, come on! Clearly this survey is bogus. Never fantasized about another person ever? What are these 37% of women fantasizing about?
Mmm, my husband comes into bed for sex because it's Saturday. He is wearing black socks and turns off the lights. We discuss who will take the kids to the Brownie meeting, then with little to no foreplay, we get into the missionary position. After far less than 22 minutes, we have to stop because we are too tired to carry on. Oh, God, is anyone else totally hot right now? 
As you might have guessed, this is all leading to some questions for you. Namely:
1.  Did you marry the best sex of your life?
2.  Have you ever fantasized about someone other than your partner?  If so, who?
3.  If not, go back and answer question #2, this time telling the truth, and tell us who.
4.  Do you thinking jilling off is a really bad name for masturbating? Mark "yes" or "definitely yes."


(note: this is totally a rerun. Data may now be completely wrong so do not attempt any Major Life Changes based on information obtained herein.)


DanWins said...


1. Married one of them.

2. Sandra Bullock

3. and a girl from High School many many years ago

4. only a Yes to be kind to the Author. LOL

Interesting article. I Truly hope my wife and I never get to that point. (shudder at the thought)

The Housewife said...

That is just SAD. How could you stop in the middle? I'd be so frustrated!

As for your questions:

1. I did marry the best sex of my life.

2. I do fantasize, but there is no one in specific. I find celebrities to be too made up. I mostly fantasize about a body. Sometimes muscular, sometimes lean and lanky, etc.

4. I've heard it before, but jill-off is fine with me. Are you equally as offended by jack-off?

wb said...

I did not marry the best sex of my life. In fact she lives on the opposite coast. Makes for an uncomplete life.

Anonymous said...

I carry a flame for the supposed best sex of my life, when really i married it. we wax and we wane in frequency, as is human. I fantasize freely and draw pictures for his delectation. Jill-off is as lame or more so than Jack-off. Female masturbation transcends speech.

Anonymous said...

1. Did not marry the best sex of my life....but glad i didn't. The sex was the only thing he had going for him. On the other hand, I knew he was one in a million in the sack and made the most of it.
2. Anyone who claims not to have fantasized about someone other than their long term partner is lying. For me, I'll try anyone once.
4. I LOVE the term Jilling-off. Never heard it before but plan to use it in a sentence tomorrow instead of my usually dictionary.com word of the day.
And yes, I have been a victim of fat old husband flopping sideways on the bed halfway through because he's too out of shape to finish the job. It almost makes me long for that asshole I dated in the answer to the first question.

Anonymous said...

1. Did you marry the best sex of your life?

Yup! We've been happily married 10 years now, the sex just got better and better. But then, we're really into fulfilling each others' most private desires. We dragged out all the dirty/dark stuff the other one thinks about and we try to do our best to scratch that itch. It's great. No secrets.

2. Have you ever fantasized about someone other than your partner? If so, who?

Honestly, not since I fell in love with him. Once I did, he became the starring role, both in person and in my head. I do fantasize about him cast in various roles/personalities while I "jill off" (really? jeeze) but it's always him.

3. If not, go back and answer question #2, this time telling the truth, and tell us who.

Truly, it's always my husband, all these years. I'm posting anonymously so I have no reason to make that up. But before I met my husband, various actors would star in my masturbatory/during sex fantasies, depended upon whatever movie I'd just watched where there was a character I found hot.

4. Do you thinking jilling off is a really bad name for masturbating? Mark "yes" or "definitely yes."

It doesn't particularly bother me but I would never use it. I just say "masturbate" if I want to make a reference to it. Unlike men, I don't have an intense need to create all kinds of sex descriptors, lol

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking theses people who posted comments are not aware that your name is Jill. Now it's funny, right folks?

bogart4017 said...

I wwould tell Mr to lose the black socks, don't talk about the kids in my bedroom and start initiating some serious foreplay. Sounds like a rut to me.

frustrated househusband said...

Man, what a depressing post.

Uuuh, yeah, I resemble that remark.

1) Yes, I did marry the best sex of my life

2) Yes, I fantasize about other women

3) OK, ok, you caught me. I really do fantasize about other women - often - all the time, for example when I see another women. Dammit, I can't help it. It's just the way I am.

4) You're right, Jill-off is a horrid name for it, but we do need a catchy name for it. It really does need to be encouraged.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, I am British and may I apologise for at least myself? I like you Jill and will not say ,"jill off" ever again.Promise !
1: Yes, I married him.
2:That musician from "Supertramp" in the 70's,Rodger Hodgsen.
3:And that well, not very attractive guitarist, Steve Howe.sorry people !
4:Like I wrote in 1,promise! No more!

aj said...

1. not married yet, and the best sex might have been one of the worst relationships so... meh... still pending...
2. yes. mostly women. yes i'm female.
3. um... mostly a girl i never actually dated but wanted to, and otherwise an imaginary perfect girlfriend :)
4. DEFINITELY yes. ew. but i can't think of a better way to say it... ? i usually just say having sex with myself. :>

Silenus said...

1. Did you marry the best sex of your life?

Since I've still got a few years left, I don't know yet. But my life partner and I have been at it since 1961, and it is still very wonderful each time. We have changed what we do a number of times over the years, but we have always managed to find good ways to make love. Making love for us is a bonding ritual, not an athletic contest, so it still works, even in our 70's.

2. Have you ever fantasized about someone other than your partner? If so, who?

I fantasize about other lovers, sometimes strangers I see in public, porn I've watched, sometimes about my partner with other people, or the two of us with another person.

3. If not, go back and answer question #2, this time telling the truth, and tell us who.

OK, the truth is we have been polyamorous for 48 years, and we have had other great lovers, some we've shared. Sometimes we share our fantasies or talk about what we are doing with our other lovers.

4. Do you thinking jilling off is a really bad name for masturbating? Mark "yes" or "definitely yes."

Is there a really good name for masturbating? I guess anything is better than masturbating since it literally means "self pollution". But if men Jack off, women Jilling off certainly makes literary sense, if one can consider nursery rhymes literature. I was involved in pansexual masturbation parties in San Francisco around 1990. We called them Jack and Jill off parties. Before your dudgeon reaches too great a height, keep in mind that many people have names that are have unsavory meanings. We don't have to go much past John to get that, do we?

ValdVin said...

1) Yes

2) Some past partners, some roads not taken, some of the craziest things I've already accomplished with TBSOML, some random experiences not even tangentially related.

3) I believe I answered that above.

4) Never thought of it; I'll have to ask my wife.

Anonymous said...

Without a doubt I married the best sex of my life. And we are still getting better 17 years later. I would hope the people having sex for 22 minutes are just so good at pleasing each other they don't need lots of time but I'm betting it's some other reason :(

Current fantasy is my wife's girlfriend and my sometimes playmate. She is really good in bed too but lives half way across the country

Jilling off is just as bad as jacking off I feel.

Anonymous said...

1) Yes I married him. I also divorced him. The sex was one of the reasons I stayed as long as I did. It was good. I miss sex with him.

2) I fantasize about being with him again when I'm with other partners.

3) I fantasize about other people a lot of the time. It seems that daily I look at others as a potential sexual partner. Still waiting to find a suitable replacement for my #1 ex. Sigh.

4) Rock me, roll me Jill me off? Hmmmmm I don't like the ring of that so much. There's better words for the act of self pleasure.

Anonymous said...

1. No, but I'm going to! Best sex of my life… AND we're 20 years apart.
2. The mysterious man who breaks into my hotel room at night...
3. Do sex dreams about colleagues count?
4. "definitely yes."

in bed with married women said...

oh man, I so love these responses. especially the person who said they fantasize about the guy from Supertramp!

Anonymous said...

1. Not married, but still hanging out with one of them.
2. Way too long a list. Varies all the time.
3. Really; it's a vital part of it.
4. Kinda don't like it, but appreciate the effort.

Unknown said...


I did not marry the best sex of my life, not even close, which is sad.

I have never fantasized about movie stars, But I have thought many times of other women in real life, such as friends, other women whom I have been with,

Recently a woman I met online that I have had phone sex with cam to cam sex and are planning on meeting soon. It is one of those long distance relationships.

I think most of the terms for masturbation are kinda stupid. jilling off, for women and jerking off for men. dislike those and most others that I have heard

Virginia G said...

1. Yes. Definitively.
2. Absofuckinlutely. However, I generally make people up to fantasize about (side benefit of being a writer, I suppose), as real people, for various reasons, don't do it for me fantasy-wise.
3. ha. No, but seriously, I tried fantasizing about real people once. It was...unsatisfying.
4. I have a totally different perspective on this.
Jill ->jill off= an awesome activity that should be enjoyed by all on a highly regular basis
Virginia ->virgin/virginity = a state of being that most people want to shed.

Anonymous said...

1. Did you marry the best sex of your life?

I married the best I could get at the time. Found out later that there was so much more than I got. I stopped caring when the rejections outnumbered the acceptances.

2. Have you ever fantasized about someone other than your partner? If so, who?

Yes, many people. Some famous, some not. I find that if there is someone real in my life that I fantasize about, then no real sex ever happens. Go figure.

3. If not, go back and answer question #2, this time telling the truth, and tell us who.

The latest one with any consistency is Jennifer Lawrence, which is a good choice considering she'd not ever look at me twice if we ever were to meet. Can't lose something you'd never get.

4. Do you thinking jilling off is a really bad name for masturbating? Mark "yes" or "definitely yes."

No, I don't. If jack is OK for men, jill became the female choice as a feminist retort for owning the practice. There is some kind of distaff distaste to use jack when a vulva is involved.

Binki said...

1. Married the best sex I ever had. Then divorced him. Then had even better sex, but broke up with him. Now have sex I did not think possible. Should I propose.

2. I have always fantasized about other men, famous and not.

3. Also about women, especially a hot chilean redhead in my high school.

4. Definitely yes! Feel like jilling off right now!

Mongo, At The Moment said...

1.) No. I've been in several long-term relationships, which never matured into marriage. Now that I am an older Dog, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. The Best Sex Of My Life got away (all my fault), is married to a German national, and lives in Munich -- I think, happily, which is as it should be. Ah; well. And that's Jenga.

2.) Oh, of course not. That would be wrong. Wrong and bad.

3.) We don't really have enough time for the complete list: but Laurie Anderson, a friend's sister, and Historian Lucy Worsley come to mind.

4.) Definitely yes, because it would be wrong. And bad.

5.) 'Scuse me; gotta go prove I'm not a robot.

in bed with married women said...

Mongo, I love number 3 so much. So specific and random.

Bikini, thanks! do think of me when you do.

anonymous, hell, maybe jennifer lawrence is also simultaneously fantasizing about you.

Emma Smith said...

The best sex? Don't marry that guy.

That's somebody who cares way more about their ability to give you the best orgasm of your life than they care that you're happy. And when you're looking at the long-term, happy is better. It lasts longer than an orgasm.

Anonymous said...

1) I am hoping he proposes, but so far it's a new relationship of just one year duration. But I found the best sex I've ever had, I never thought it could get this amazing. I honestly agree when they say it just keeps getting better.
2) not really, since I met him. Purely due to being in the honeymoon phase(?) perhaps.
3) see above
4) it's not a cool term, no!

Donatella Nobatti said...

Best sex happens unplanned. All of a sudden rush to make love no matter which place....

Anonymous said...

1. No. I'm not married but am in an open LTR with one of the several candidates for best sex of my life. And I actually do have several candidates for that position.
2. Are you kidding? Of course! Mostly about people I know, but also fictional folks. And that stranger I saw. And whomever strikes my fancy that day.
3. See above.
4. I don't mind it. Amused by it, actually, as an interesting linguistic construction.

Dusky said...

1. Ah, nope. See my story on this blog! An unfair part of me hates anyone who has. Sorry... but true.
2. Still the arsehole best-sex-of-my-life. (See question 1.)
3. And my new work-crush because I am greedy.
4. Sorry Jill, but I fucking LOVE jilling-off as a term for masturbation. In all my visits to and even years of living in Britain I never heard it, but I shall enquire... and spread the trend if my friends haven't heard it either! (But really, what could be sexier than a jill?!)

Dusky said...

Yep, totally agree! Well said.