Monday, March 26, 2012

A Gas-Powered Vibe, a New Fangled Vibe, a Contest and a Rerun

The Detwiller Vibrator.
Which is the sexy part again?
In honor of this scary-ass looking gas-powered vibrator (ack!) finding a new home at the Good Vibes' Antique Sex Toy Museum, I'm rerunning the post on Female Hysteria and Creepy Old-Timey Vibrators as well as throwing a new contest in which you can win a new, most decidedly non-gas-powered state-of-the-art vibrator. (instructions to do just that at end of post.)

The Detwiller Vibrator, patented in 1906 by someone who was, in my opinion, overly cavalier about putting loud and unpredictable gas-powered objects near one's own wang, contained instructions that included checking for gas leaks, yet another "deal breaker" for me that until this very second I hadn't even considered.

The Detwiller also came with a big gas tank (leakage! explosions! not the good kind!) as well as...whatever else that stuff is in the picture. All I can tell is that a judge's gavel and possibly a mini-megaphone seem to be involved.

Here again, then, is one of my favorite posts, Female Hysteria and Creepy Old-Timey Vibrators:

Are you exhibiting any of the following symptoms:
--Trouble sleeping?
--Fluid retention?
--"A tendency to cause trouble"?
Yes, yes, yes and oh yes?

Let's see, according to my medical book, circa 1895, you have a clear-cut case of Female Hysteria. (Men with similar symptoms will need to diagnose themselves with some other old-timey disease. May I suggest "dairy fever" or perhaps "dropsy"?)

In the 19th century, as many as 75% of middle-class women were estimated to suffer from hysteria, but luckily medical science was there to help them. Doctors treated hysteria with "pelvic massage" until the patient reached "hysterical paroxysm." In modern times, we know "pelvic massage" to be "the doctor jerking off his patient" and "hysterical paroxysm" to be "orgasm." The procedure as a whole is now known as "grounds for a lawsuit."

Doctors of the day were happy to provide such a treatment, as it provided a steady stream of paying customers (patients were advised to come in weekly for their treatments). It was all good, except for one thing, doctors found the actual manipulation of their patients genitals to be tedious and tiring. According to the highly entertaining Wikipedia entry on Female Hysteria:  "The technique was difficult for a physician to master and could take hours to achieve 'hysterical paroxysm.'" (The physicians' widespread befuddlement at mastering these basic lady-pleasing skills puts Marrying a Doctor much lower on the To-Do list.)

The doctors were saved from the arduous task of trying to make these damn women come, already, by the magic device, the vibrator. The first of these "massage and vibratory apparatus" was patented by American physician (USA! USA!) George Taylor and was--and I can scarcely stand to type this--steam-powered. (The resulting billowing smoke making this perhaps the least discreet form of masturbatory tool.) Soon, physicians' offices were outfitted with electric vibrators, allowing doctors to get the job done in a matter of minutes instead of hours, and allowing most of mankind to stay blissfully ignorant about female orgasm until about the 1960s.

By the early 1900s, these miraculous health-giving electric vibrators started showing up in the American women's home. In fact, vibrators were one of the earliest electric home appliances invented, showing up ten years earlier than the vacuum cleaner or iron. Regular old, non-pervy companies like Hamilton Beach and Sears Roebuck were in the lucrative business of selling vibrators to housewives. The photo at left, for example, is from the 1918 Sears Roebuck and Co. catalog. "Very useful and satisfactory for home service," it says, vaguely, hoping you get the idea.

Vibes were openly marketed in catalogs and women's magazines. The ads weren't directly saying, "Put this on your wang" but they did refer to its "wonderfully refreshing" effect. Read one ad: "Can be used by yourself in the privacy of dressing room or boudoir, and furnish every woman with the essence of perpetual youth." The home vibe was a thrifty purchase, too. With doctors charging $2 to jack you off, the $5.95 portable home vibrator would pay for itself after only three uses.

According to this one dude, Mike, who collects antique vibrators, there were also air-powered and hand-cranked vibrators. Here's a photo from Mike's hand-cranked vibrator collection (a collection which I imagine causes some awkward moments on Mike's dates) of the Macaura's Pulsocon Hand Vibrator from the late 1800s.  I don't understand the physics of the device, but Mike explains that there is "a plunging motion of the center disk." To me, it looks like a hand-mixer. And, I know it's supposed to be an erotic device, but I see this and think of the twisting motions of a hand mixer, the voluminous bushes of 1800s-era ladies, and well, I can venture a guess as to why we don't all have Macuara's Pulsocon Hand Vibrators stashed in our nightstand drawers.

If you, like Mike and--apparently, me--are fascinated by these old devices, by all means make haste and check out the online Antique Vibrator Museum they put up at Good Vibrations. There is an educational video, plus photos of all sorts of creepy-ass, early electrical vibes. Like, look at this 1902 Hamilton Beach model, the "Type A":

The Hamilton Beach, Type A, 1902
I mean, Good Lord! The giant motor! The thick cloth covering the cord! And is that an oil can in there? The Type A looks loud--roaringly loud, jackhammer loud. But most importantly, electricity back then was scary. I wouldn't even be brave enough to use a toaster from those days, much less put some shorting-out, spark-shooting, scary new-fangled doodad on my nether regions.  I don't care how "wonderfully refreshing" it's supposed to be.

As all this new information (scary old vibes! hand cranks! hysterical paroxysm!) rattles around in my mind, I find that I keep going back to the 19th century doctor's office and this strangely sexless sex between doctor and patient. Were either of them aroused by what was going on? Did the females see the doctor breaking out his Hamilton Beach 4000 or whatever and feel a thrill of anticipation, or just the kind of dull disinterest one would experience while watching a mechanic change the car's oil. And I wonder about the women's orgasm. If they were not told it was pleasurable, did they experience it as pleasure, or as just a release, akin to finally getting to pee on a long car trip?  And not to be all zen koanish or anything, but is non-erotic sex that is not recognized by either party as sex indeed sex?
(image source: That's really Matisse, not a doctor, btw.


The Trojan Torsion, note
  very welcome absence
of lawn mower-like pull cord.
THE CONTEST: Share Your Favorite Post
THE PRIZE: The Trojan Midnight Collection Torsion Vibrator from my history lovin' corporate overlords at Good Vibrations.
THE VALUE: 89 bucks, sister.
YOUR TASK: Share your favorite In Bed With Married Women post with someone ("share" = tell them, post on Facebook, RT something on Twitter, leave anonymous threatening note at doorstep, etc... "someone" = a human) 
YOUR TASK, PART 2: THEN you must fess up to your favorite IBWMW post either as a comment below or via email. I'll pick a winner Thursday, March 29, 2012.
THE OBVIOUS LOOPHOLE: If you don't share your post and just say you do, how the fuck will I ever know? You're right, I won't. But try and be good now.

The product description if you're really still here. (But really after this, go outside and get some fresh air, would you?)
Enjoy intimate sensation with a twist of orgasmic bliss with the Trojan Torsion multi-position Vibrator. Part of Trojan’s signature Midnight collection, this sophisticated vibe features a gentle, curving design coupled with a powerful variable motor with 5 speeds and 3 vibration patterns. The curving, ribbed upper shaft is girthier than many similarly-styled vibes, offering intense internal stimulation, while the twisting handle adjusts to four pleasuring positions. Made with medical-grade silicone, the Torsion vibrator is water-resistant and safe for use during your steamy shower play. An elegant storage pouch is included to keep your vibe safely tucked away between uses. Smooth, sleek and powerful, the Torsion vibe approaches erotic adventures from a whole new angle.


Sabrina said...

Shares with my buddy on facebook!! I actually shared the contest post, she'll get a kick out of that. My favorite post will always be the "naked in public".. post. Sorry, I giggled. I feel terrible.

Unknown said...

My favorite post of yours is when you got into detail about the anatomy of the clitoris.

My penis always dwarfed the clit in comparison, but, thanks to your insights, I now feel slightly more inadequate... You girls are HUGE!

And yes, I'm a guy trying to win a woman's vibe. But it's for my girlfriend (with my help, of course). For sharing, I'm sharing you with her. She's gonna love this blog!!!

in bed with married women said...

Sabrina--my friend to me to a Korean spa last week and not only did they make you be naked (sign actually says you have to be naked) there was a whole line of low showerheads before which oldish Korean women would squat and scrub the living hell out of their nether regions. Not a gentle wash but like a hard, scouring scrub. And for a really really long time.

Cinderita said...

My legs involuntarily squeezed shut tight all on their own at the sight of that old school vibrator with the cloth cord and oil can. haha! YIKES! No THANK YOU! I'll come back with the title of my most favorite post of yours. I think you know I generally love them all...but there is one that stands out, I just can't remember the title. AND you already know I have no qualms about sharing your posts on Twitter et al. I'm a big BIG fan! :)

emily said...

My favorite blog so far has been "A farewell to Rodney P before I delete him forever". Lately a topic of conversation around my office has been the relative cluelessness of men in general and that column is a perfect illustration. I once punched a guy in the face while at work because he kept saying wildly inappropriate things to me regarding my choice of partner and why I wouldn't give HIM a shot. Ewwww. What a douche.

Sabrina said...

I... they scrub? Your lady bits??!!?? A coochy shower and an old lady with a brillo pad? WHY would anyone PAY for that??!!

in bed with married women said...

Cinderita--If I had a posse, I would try to stock it with people that were as delightful as you. (or almost as delightful, i guess)
Emily--Was it like a coy, keep-on-tryin' punch?
Sabrina--I fear I've misled you! The women were doing their own vag scrubbin' on themselves and not using actual brillo pads--just scrubbing with the intensity of one who was scrubbing a scummy bathtub.

Gia said...

Hahah wow. Handcrank vibrators are coming back now - being eco friendly and all :P

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of your blog is the subtitle: The blog that hops in your bed, staring rudely and taking notes. It's a great image!

Erin said...

I really loved Bad Sex week. I am living in a small (~150 people) village as a volunteer teacher for a year and there isn't really a way to get any without everybody knowing--including my students (happened to my roommate). So it was nice to remember that missing out isn't always a bad thing. Which is also to say: please send help!

EcoGrrl said...

I love the guest post 'my wife's body', it absolutely melted me and makes me go easier on myself...I've always seen beauty in the figure and love capturing its curves and angles on film or with my touch. I've got a very lovely device so i'm not looking to win another...but I will say, anything by the name of Hamilton Beach stays on the counter (and the hand mixer? Christ! Made the hysteria return haha).

Brandon said...

I have to goo with the "Ice-Butt" post, which I shared with pal on Facebook. I am, from now on, telling my mother that she can only buy clothes for me if they are the color anus. I figure she'll just stop buying me clothes, so win-win.

Sabrina said...

Oh thank God. I was really concerned about the whole Korean Spa lifestyle for a minute there....

The Writer said...

Oh dear, that last comment is me, not my husband Brandon. Not that he doesn't want to win me a vibe, right?

Zannie Q. said...

Hi...I shared, I promise. I read this aloud to a friend, which is not as easy as it sounds, especially amidst hysterical laughter. My favorite post? Any of the misguided Googler ones. I always giggle, gurgle, and snort aloud, sounding exactly like how I'm imagining that crazy steam powered vibe sounds.

Can't keep anything to myself said...

It was nice to read over everyone else's answers and remember all the fun times I've had with your blog.
For my favorite though, I think I'll go with the first post of yours that I actually did share with a friend. I had just found your blog a few days before and had been reading it nonstop, but I really loved the wit and humor in this post and I felt the need to show off the awesome new blog I had found. I even did it in a public place.

My favorite: Warning: This will entirely ruin the song "The Lonely Goatherd" for you. Forever.

EJ said...

I had to leave the library to finish reading If You Can't be With the One You Love. The diagram, really, is what made it for me.

in bed with married women said...

The winner, via random drawing, is Zannie Q!

Zannie send your mailing address to me at jillhamilton001(at)gmail(dot)com, and your girthy vibe will be on its way.

BTW, thank you everyone else for all your entries. (i feel especially bad about Erin not winning as she is lonely in a tiny village, However, I'm thinking a strange buzzing noise coming from her living quarters might not be the best way to ingratiate herself with the local villagers. Could be wrong...)

anyway I would definitely recommend you have people tell you the favorite thing you did. It's highly rewarding, I say.