Sunday, August 29, 2010

Behold! The New Contest Has Arrived.

The fabulous prize this time around? This lovely "Night of Romance Kit" from Good Vibrations, purveyors of pro-sex goodies that range from nice little romantic candle/massage oils all the way up to scary, alarmingly large plug things for people's butts. (Instructions: place item in butt.)
Mmmmmmm, free stuff.
If I were feeling testy, I would award the prize to the first reader brave enough to watch the E.T. porn (bear witness to the horror--or don't--in the post The Most Unsexy Porn EVER). But I am full of soy latte and all's right with the world, so I will give you a simpler task. Well, sort of simpler. It's actually kind of multi-tiered. Here's what you do: Be the first to correctly post the name of any one of the items from the Night of Romance Kit (shown above) on the wall of In Bed With Married Women Facebook page. All right then, don't tarry now and good luck.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Vagina Cupcakes

Okay, vagina cupcakes, I have
used you.  Now, begone from
my computer!
The other day the cable guy was at our house connecting our Internet and needed to tinker about on my computer. After he left, I went to glory in the sorely-missed wonders of Home Internet, but when I walked over to my computer, I couldn't help but notice the big ol' file sitting right smack in the middle of my computer screen. It's name? "Vagina Cupcakes." Yes, Vagina Cupcakes. Even if Cable Guy was wanting to believe it was a perfectly normal file (and I'm guessing he sorely did), I can't even imagine any file named Vagina Cupcakes that would not be something completely unsavory. (To his credit, Cable Guy didn't bat an eye.)

I am not a packrat in real life (quite the contrary, if you must know), but virtually, I'm a hoarder. I keep things stowed on my computer because I think I might need them someday--just like why your grandma saves those packets of soy sauce from the Chinese restaurant. If anyone has a emergency requiring tiny squirts of low quality soy sauce, well, voila, she saves the day! This is why I had stored a photo of some cupcakes decorated as vaginas front and center on my computer. Months ago, a kind reader had sent the photo suggesting I might use it for...something, so I dutifully kept it. A smarter person would have named the file something benign like "Taxes 1997" or something, but I have a bad memory and can't keep track of such subterfuge. It's a picture of vagina cupcakes, so I named it Vagina Cupcakes, dammit!  

And Vagina Cupcakes are just the beginning--that's the kind of thing I have out on my desktop, for anyone to see. My bookmarks are even worse. It is there that I keep the items that I might one day trot out for you, gentle reader. Among the things that reside there are (and don't say I never warned you):

  1. An article on MILF porn.
  2. A web site for a Fursuit Cleaners. Fursuits, you may recall, are the animal costumes that some folks like to don while banging other folks dressed in fursuits. (Strategically-placed flaps facilitate the process, if you're wondering) The cost of a fursuit cleaning, btw, is $75. I would charge more--WAY more--but that's just me.
  3. "A History of the Buttocks."
  4. Info on a talking vibrator.
  5. Something entitled: "The Pussy Snorkel."
  6. Also, a recipe for garlic chicken, but that probably doesn't fit the theme here.
I don't know what I'll do if my computer ever has to go in for service because, after a few months of this blog, my computer is toxic, and should probably taken in for questioning. I mean, my search history alone, what with its weird sex toys, fascination with other people's odd (to me) fetishes and excessive interest in the female condom, is enough to run me and my nasty-ass computer out of town.

Even the blog is pretty iffy--I can barely even look at it in public. For example, right now, I am in a cafe in a small town in Michigan, surrounded by wholesome-looking, pale Michiganians. Whenever I need to sort of park my computer for a minute, I try to stop on an acceptable part of my blog. Naked lady picture at the top of the blog? No--scroll down! Talk of "female penile handling"? No! Picture of a dildo? Anal bleaching? Ice butt reference? Ack! No, no and NO! 

I know it's 2010, I write a sex blog and I should just get over it and be out and proud--get used to it!--but I'm just not there yet. So I'll talk freely with you, Internet Stranger, about such things, but Mrs. White-Haired Lady Over There At The Other Table, I won't be sharing my feelings about fursuits with you today.  And for that, I think we will both be grateful.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Guest Post: Sex With the Wife, A True Husband's Tale

Today I give you a post from Sex With the Wife, in which Mr. B chronicles his sex life (and the frequent lack thereof) with his wife. Here, let's let him explain:
This started as a place for me to bitch and moan about how awful my sex life is. A few months later my wife went into therapy for depression and messed up hormone levels, so this became a place for me to chronicle those problems. Now people have started to read the blog and I have found a whole community of guys who aren't having sex with their wives and still aren't cheating on them.  I guess I am just another guy frustrated at not having sex but is trying to be a man about it.
In "One Thing Leads to Another" (click here if you want to see it in its natural habitat), Mr. B does manage to get lucky. What I like about this post is that it's about real married sex and from the guy's point of view, but also because Mr. B is so attuned to--and articulate on--the way his wife's body responds (or doesn't) to his ministrations.

Press "read more" below to read Mr B.'s tale. (By the way, not to go all product placement on you, but if you want to recreate parts of this scenario at home, you can order a similar bullet vibrator--actually an even cooler solar-powered one--just by clicking here [and by using the link, you support In Bed With Married Women.])

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Swings of Desire, aka, Ovulation = Beer Goggles?

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."
"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid. To wit: a recent study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, I'm going to have to break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.) One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:
"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."
It's evil, I tell you! (Presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. JC Penney's, it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differentlyprefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Transformers Leader Optimus PrimeUm...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue creepy sound effect to signify mutation.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.

And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've entered our 40s, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we'd rather read a book, the next we're eying the bag boys at the grocery store. (Has the guy who brings the carts in always been so smokin'?) It's like when we're into it, we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, is this an actual physical phenomenon, or have we just become more attuned to the rhythms of our bodies? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop us an email.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Week In Misguided Googlers

As I've noted more that is probably reasonable (see also: Open Message to Terribly Disappointed New Readers and Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis in Vagina") I am consistently fascinated/amused/freaked out by the search terms people use that dump them unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women.

You see, no one ever searches for "wittyish blog about sex which, even though it's about sex, is difficult--if not impossible--to jack off to." Not that I can blame them--it is a bit wordy. Thus we are stuck with the dregs of search terms. I think Google gives us the searchers they don't know quite what to do with. This perhaps explains how the searcher who typed in "what say women uncut hair of penice and vagina can give more enjoyable sex?" landed bleary-eyed and confused here at In Bed. ("Women up the man in in bed" searcher, I'm talking to you, too.)

The tortured syntax, the untraditional "penice" spelling...oh you don't know the half of it. How about "pinnes bleach," "how to make my wife whim and groan in bed," "women hand jop &fucking the bedroom" and, my personal fave, "newely married women shoes her nacked body." I know some of these people are probably typing with one hand, but still... I can't help but conjure up the image of the woman with the nacked body enjoying a view of her lover's penice, perhaps followed by a hand jop then a "fucking of the bedroom," though the last part about them fucking the bedroom is sort of difficult to picture since I don't know what the hell it means.

Then there are the highly specific fetish searches. That would be "porn images of womens to wear female condon," "pictures of women anal bleaching," "sexy fursuit boobs" (as opposed to the unsexy kind, I suppose) and "train yourself to take a dildo deep in your colon." (Don't bother me now, I'm in training.) The searcher who typed in "fat anal blogger" was also sent to me, and don't think I'm happy about that one. Ditto for "women with saggy breasts are good lovers."

But my favorite search this week came from U.K. Google: "free pictures of female penile handling." I know Brits are supposed to be a bit more buttoned-up than Yanks, but "female penile handling"? Really? "I do say, Miss, might I trouble you for a spot of female penile handling?" (It's a nice touch that this person is unwilling to pay for their pix of penile handling.)

I will leave you today with this question posed by one searcher, who was perhaps overly trusting in Google to solve his ethical dilemma. "Is it wrong to fantasize about a married women?" he typed in fearfully. I say, "Geez, dude, get it together--even Jimmy Carter admitted to lust in his heart." But then I write an un-jackoffable sex blog, so I might be biased. What do you think?
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