Happy New Tears!

U up?

"Happy New Tears!" texted my old friend in what turned out to be an oddly prescient typo. 

On New Year's Eve, I think we all imagine a glorious new future with less fucked-up versions of ourselves who publish books, do yoga and finally quit (insert vice here). It's the same kind of magical thinking that makes me think that, despite all apparent evidence, I will somehow not actually die and that's something that applies to other people. (Sorry everyone else!)

But what if the new year really is gonna be a bunch of new tears? Until this year (and 2016 obviously), I had never actually considered this very probable possibility. And I'm 56 fucking years old!

So far this year I have seen a really important relationship end and, in an unrelated incident, shat my pants in a hotel in Gilroy, California. This was just by January 2nd. (I also got a iced coffee at Starbucks that had disturbing almond milk in it that was somehow simultaneously curdled and weirdly heavy, but that seems less important here, though possibly related.)  

My point is that, hell, this year will probably have some tears. I've been crunching the numbers and it seems pretty darn likely. So what are we to do? IDK, enjoy what we can, while we can? 

In that spirit, I am now the proud owner of a MALM bed from IKEA that has two giant-ass storage drawers under it. Those drawers are filled--filled, I say!--with brand new sex toys that need to find their way into your secret storage space, or whatever you're calling your butt/pussy/various and sundry holes these days. (If you're new here, people send these to me even though I can only have sex with so many items, despite valiant efforts.)

The deal is this: Tell me thing(s) what you want and I will send it to you for the cost of shipping, plus, if you can (yes), a tip for gas/assuaging my embarrassment over mailing boxes of sex toys. You can also request that I just fill a box with random stuff for you. LMK what you're into and you'll get a box o' sex stuff. My email is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. (My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123.) Shipping alone for a medium sized priority box is $15.50, large is $21.90. Small single items are usually less than 10 bucks. You can also skip me entirely and buy anything through the links (if there's no *, the blog gets a cut.)

Anyway, let me know if any of these strike your fancy. (And yes, I know that I've just become a sex toy giver away blogger, but that's gonna change during this bright new year! Unless, you know, more fucking tears,)

Oh, and two other things:

-I was named one of the top Sex Blogging Superheroes by the glorious Kinkly.com despite rarely even actually writing, so even more impressive!

--Some guy donated $20 to my blog (thanks guy!), then a few months later emailed "Could you please tell me what I purchased for $20 on Oct. 12 because I have no idea? It could you please do this ASAP, also?"  He did not ask for a refund, even though I offered him one. Perhaps he realized the true wisdom of fugue state purchases. 

So. The first item deserves a special mention because it was the first thing I had to hide from the workmen who were in my house and because they had a Christian fish sticker on their truck, I assumed (perhaps wrongly) that they didn't want to see that I was in possession of a....

15 INCH DARK RIDER DILDO, a truly massive dick that I, honestly, can see no practical use for. But if you want him to be yours, he can!  

My less glorious/alarming, but still mighty fine offerings are:

--BlueMotion Nex3 remote-control couples ring so new, I don't think it's widely available. 

--Eve's Twirling Rabbit Vibrator

--Royal Rabbit Warming Vibrator

--Womanizer Original (these are good, real good)

--Eve's Clit Tickling Rabbit

--Zalo Bess Clitoral Vibrator*

--Zalo Unicorn Suction Set*

--Zalo Rose Series Rose Vibrator*

--Sweetheart swirl glass dildo

--Metal bullet vibe, and another one

--Hands Free Shower Bunny (I cannot find this anywhere online but it's a sizable waterproof rabbit vibrator that sticks to a shower wall via suction cup)

--Rechargeable dual entry vibe (w/ remote control)  

--Nixie waterproof 10 function vibe

 

Coupley stuff

--Wild weekend couples toy kit (look for yourself)

--Vibrating anal bead stick 

 

Stuff Penises (Peni?) Might Like

--Adam's Tight Stroker with Massage Beads 

--Intensity Power Stroker

--Penis extension with ball strap in extremely Black or oddly shiny Caucasian 

 

 Lingerie that fits if you have big boobs like me

--Super cute Lovehoney Twilight Rose Black Lace Babydoll Set (Even better, comes in size 1X/2X)

--Flower lace baby doll and thong (plus size!) 

--Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Wine Chiffon Multiway Bra Set (size 1X/2X) 

 

Novelty vibes

--Candle Warming Vibrator Wand*

--Eggplant Emojibator (a wee bullet vibe)*

--Chickie Emojibator (Dunno, a little chick vibration suction thing???)*

--Queenie swan finger vibe*

 

Random stuff

 --An inflatable position pillow

--A Kegel Training Set

--After Dark, a game!

--Rechargeable Manscaping Kit and shave cream for any gender

Also sex candles that melt into massage oil, bondage rope, feather ticklers, bondage tape, blindfolds, sex wipes, lube including cherry and strawberry flavored. Can give you more info. Just ask.

Okay then, I have been doing tedious linking so long it's now dark and my legs are numb from sitting on the floor by the MALM. But I haven't shat myself today. Yet. 

I'll take it.

Thanks for listening.

xoxo

jill

Sex toys! Do it now! I said NOW.

Your ass here

UPDATE (9/25/21)  All of the stuff is gone. I sold a box of the leftover stuff on Craigslist to some random dude. We made the trade off in a lumber yard parking lot after hours for bonus seediness.

Me (handing him overflowing box of lube n' dicks etc...):  "I put the big ol' jelly dildo on top for maximum embarrassment."

Rando (joking, I think):  "That's okay, I'll wear it home."

 

*****

Oh Lordy, I have waaaaaay too many sex toys that even I am not slutty enough to get to. Do y'all want some? 

I am happy to send you one (or a boxful!), for the low low price of postage, plus an excessively generous tip for my highly embarrassing trek to the Post Office. (My Paypal: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)  If you desire anything you see, email me at the same address:  jillhamilton001@gmail.com

Without further ado--because fuck ado, no one's ever wanting more of that--here are the items I am currently hiding from my children: (I will strike through items when they're gone, using a spare flogger if necessary.) 

 

BDSMy  

If you or someone you know is in big trouble.

 

--Fetish Dreams Blindfold

--Tease Me Rechargeable Metal Vibrator 

--Fetish Dreams Spanking Paddle

--Hog Tie Kit   

--Fetish Dreams Collar and Leash

--Fetish Dreams Ankle Cuffs

--Fetish Dreams Wrist Cuffs

--Lelo Tantra Feature Teaser 

--Lelo Etherea Silk Cuffs

--Lelo Boa Pleasure Ties

--Lelo Intima Silk Blindfold 

--Bondage tape

--Kinky Sex and BDSM for Newbies, a 50 or so page book 

 VIBRATING THINGS

--We Vibe Melt (fancy clitoral vibrator)

--Enby 2, a non binary vibrator that looks kinda like a mantra ray.

--Ova, a roundish vibe for solo or couples

--Willow, a g-spot and/or prostate vibe

--Petite Private Pleasure Wand (a wee wand vibrator)

--Silky Sensations Rechargeable Bullet

--Rechargeable Silver Metal Bullet

 --Lelo Tiani 3, a vibrating couples massager 

--Thumping Love Button (a flexible vibrator)

 --Egg-Citement Rechargeable Remote Control Egg with Attachments, who among us does not want to fuck an egg.  

 --Kit for Couples, 7 inch vibe, nubbly sleeve for it, stretchy cock ring,  mini bullet vibe, all waterproof

 

BUTT STUFF 

 

--OhMiBod Lumen (fancy--again, I know I need a new word--Bluetooth-enabled vibrating butt plug)

--Rechargeable Prostate Pleaser and C-Ring (C is for cock!)

--Lelo Hugo Remote Control Prostate Massager, if I had a prostate, I'd be all over this one. 

--Adam's Triple Prostate Probe, in case you come across aliens who left their anal probe at home, or just desire some recreational probery

--Purple Heart Butt Plug

POTPOURRI!

--Duo Love Balls, Ben Wa-like balls for first timers

--Good Head Fundamentals, The Ultimate Oral Sex, an oral sex kit including a stroker, "oral delight gel" and such.

--All Star Enhancer Ring, stretchy cock ring for both cock n' balls.

--Toy cleaner (both spray and foam), Kama Sutra Playing Cards, lube specifically for use with strokers, watermelon flavored lube

 

(PS. If you click on the links and buy anything directly from the companies, the blog gets a wee kickback.) 

Boring housekeeping:

If you have a subscription through Feedburner, they kindly decided to just...stop doing it.  So.  I am mucking about trying to figure it out and you might get some jacked up emails from a 56 year old woman who has gotten into the HTML again.

If you want to re-subscribe, try this very ugly button that I am at a loss to make more beautiful:

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Sex Toy Socialism

Not the actual Bernie Sanders

I recently saw Bernie Sanders speak in Glendale, California, and damn, that man is sharp as a tack. Not only could he spout off all manner of really quite disturbing Actual Facts about income inequality, but could answer long-ass two-part questions without going back and asking what second part of the question was.  

I realized, among other things that, as the top 1% holds nearly as much wealth as the bottom 90% (for realz), I am hording way more than my share of sex toys. So in the spirit of righting the wrongs of sex toy capitalism, I am quite happy to send you some (or a whole boxful) of brand spanking new sex toys for the price of postage and a decentish tip to pay for gas, my time and a secret black budget that I will use for nefarious purposes. 

Here's what you could be fucking in approximately 3-5 business days.

Penis toys for the gents (or however be-penised)!

Plus One Personal Stroker, a high-quality masturbator with two openings 

Bang and Blow Deep Throat Super Stroker 

Adam's Deluxe Penis Ring Sampler

Manta, a vibrator that can be used solo or with a partner

 

Toys for the vulva-ed!

Muah Mini Vibrator, a vibrator shaped like lips 

Shegasm Silicone Clit Stimulator, clit stim in apple form

Skyn Wave Clitoral Simulator

Romp Switch, a suction kind of toy 

Magic Wand Mini, not actually that mini 

Rechargeable Dual Entry Vibe, for two holes at once

A surprisingly high number of clitoral suctiony/vibey toys with a floral theme!

Bloomgasm Royalty Rose, 3 levels, 7 patterns of air stimulation

Ravishing Rose Clit Pleaser, another slutty slutty rose 

Flower Power Vibrator

Wild Rose Clitoral Stimulator with Thrusting Bullet

Rosegasm Duel Ended Clitoral Vibe

 

Toys that are green!

Eve's Petite Private Pleasure Wand it's like a mini Magic Wand

Heat Me Up Warming Rabbit Thruster, description pretty much sums it up

Real Rock Chrystal Clear Dildo, 8 inch, like what's linked but green.  

BFit Classic Love Balls, 2 ben-wa balls/kegel trainers

Tea Tree Oil Foaming Toy Cleaner, vegan

Small butt plug, with a shamrock on it because why not

Remote control toys!

Blue Motion, Nex 3, super fancy penis ring/couples' toy 

Esca 2, remote control g-spotish massager

We-Vibe Date Night Set, a Pivot vibrating penis ring and a Nova rabbit vibrator

 

Butt stuff!

Pink Rose Glass medium anal plug

Red Heart Gem small anal plug

Vibrating Anal Bead Stick, looks fancy plus it's waterproof

Mood Pride Anal Trainer Set, three sizes of butt plugs 

Glass Prostate Massager

A small silicone plug with ridges that I can't find online

Rear Rocker Vibrating Glass Anal Plug, "endless anal fun," it says. (Tricky Genie:  You get anal fun. You: Yay! Genie: But it's ENDLESS. You: Aw, man!)

 

BDSM!

Blindfold

Bondage Tape

 

Lingerie! 

Crotchless Lace Panty, size M/L

Floral Bra and Thong, size L/XL

Seven Nights of Temptation Gift set (plus sized!), an advent calendar of lingerie and other stuff

Potpourri!

Purple Rose (again with florals!) Nubby Glass Dildo (like this but 9 inches)

Gildo Rainbow Swirl Glass Dildo

Balldo, you might not actually want to know

Ling O Vibrating Tongue Ring

A bunch of condoms

Adam's 3" Extension, goes over a dick or dick substitute for 3 extra inches. I have SO MANY of these! Get one or get many! A new look for spring? Everything Everywhere All At Once cosplay? You decide!

 

And/or any of these various and sundry lubes, elixirs and random things that haunt my drawer! 

 

Rules:  Email your address and what items or items you want to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. Shipping alone for a USPS priority medium box is $17.10, large is $22.80. Tip is what the Universe says is right. My PayPal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com and my Venmo is @jill-hamilton-123. First come, first served. I will cross out stuff as it's claimed. And if you want to skip me entirely and just buy something via the links, the blog gets a little cut which I will use to refill the office coffee machine.

P.S. Don't be greedy and grab all the really expensive toys (and leave a crap tip--these traits seem to go together). If you do, in the next life karma will give you no sex toys and you'll have to use your hand like a goddamed monkey.

Toys, Toys, Toys in the Cabinet, Redux

I can show you the world

[I just updated this with new stuff, as of 10/27/20. So you have seen this, but only sorta.]

 

As the writer of a sex blog that lots of people still read even though I only write a new post every 87 months or so, I have amassed a metric fuckton of sex toys. So many, in fact, that despite my valiant efforts, I've been unable to have sexual relations with all of them.

That's where you come in. Everything is completely insane right now AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED. Perhaps a toy or two would cheer you up? A brief respite of hedonism is a fine way to forget about the everything for a few blessed moments.

Here's a basic idea what I have busting out of my cabinet right now.

So, without further ado, except this sentence of ado that I just added, I currently have:

--Big ol’ vibrating dildo (w/ suction cup! And it warms up! And has balls!)

--Stretchy cock ring with a built-in scrotum ring.

--Silicone g-spot vibrator w buzzy clit part

--Large g-spot stroking rabbit vibrator

--Prostate probe (kinda like anal beads)

--Prostate vibrator, narrow and long with bulby end

--Smallish, non-penis looking dildo that bends and is anal-safe
--Silicone bullet vibe with ripples. 

--Silicone vibrator that kinda looks like a manta ray.
--Bullet vibe

--Butt plug with fancy jewel at the end
--Butt plug with handle at the end

--Bondage tape

--Cbd serum for arousal, just works for the wimmens though

--Box o’ condoms
--Small tickly feather thing for sensation play

--Topical CBD lotion (not for sex, for muscle pain) Menthol

--LUBE water-based, silicone-based, combos, especially for toys, watermelon-flavored. I gots lube is the point.

If you're feeling it, I can send you something specific or you can tell me what you're into and I can put a box together and ship it Priority Mail.  However, you, my friend, are in charge of paying for shipping (medium boxes are $15.05 in postage, large is $21.10) and giving me a wildly generous tip for driving my ass to the post office during The Sickening. My Paypal is jillhamilton001@gmail.com. You can email me for more details or if you want personalized suggestions or something.

That's all.  I wrote a post!  Sorta.  But still.

Good talking to you.
xo
jill

Notes from whatever the hell today is

Well, the packages of sex toys are traveling around the country to find their forever orifices, and some are already nestled in someone's butt or whatever, happily rumbling away fulfilling their life purposes. (There are still a few things left, but not much. If you want to see, email me and ask for access to the ever- shrinking Google doc.)

A dude got a box for his wife, including a Lelo Sona (good man), one guy got the Club Vibe 3.OH Hero after he'd killed another butt toy (admirable) and another reader, M, got the Lovelife Krush Smart Kegel Trainer to strengthen her nether regions. 

The delightful M wrote: "Yay! It's like winning the vagina lottery! My current partner will be pleased/horrified when I hands-free throttle his bishop in a few weeks (or months?) and I will think of you in a high-five way."

In a series of sentences of increasing awkwardness, as is my way, I replied to M with:
"You are super hilarious (okay, so far)

and I'm already a little in love with you. (um...)

will send out tomorrow. (a step towards acceptable discourse)

so enjoy your weak-ass, lax vagina while you can." (Dear God, self. WTF?) 

Anyway, lest you think my love was displaced, M kindly ignored my boorish vaginal dis (In the future, I probably wouldn't lead with this. Probably.) and sent me an actual postcard, like they did in the olden days:  "I would love to allow you to believe that I am as amusing as you seemed to think I was in my email, but the truth is that you caught me at a particularly good time. For some reason I tend to be more charismatic when I'm ovulating--creepy evolutionary catfishing?"

(This is a real thing! We are all evolutionary catfishers. See also Ovulation = Hormonal Beer Googles)

*****

You can hear me hurriedly reading my piece Drought on Antonia Hall's wholly delightful Experiments in Pleasure podcast, recorded when I sent my family on a ten-minute walk around the block. It's at the very end, like a David Sedaris/Sarah Vowell thing, if they were less funny and talked more about having sex with a bath spigot. 

Now, you. Tell me something interesting.*

xo
jill

*Unless it's super creepy**, then keep that @%@# to yourself.
**I reserve the sole right to determine creepiness, or lack thereof.

Sex Toy Fairy Godmother

As I've mentioned here--and okay here too--I get a lot of sex toys and there are only so many I personally can have sex with. (I'm JUST ONE WOMAN, man.)

I'd like to share the wealth with your ass, or whatever.

Here's what I've got going on:

--lubes and toy cleaners
--vibrating cock ring
--some vibrators for the wimmens
--bondage equipment to hogtie your loved one
--butt plug
--nipple/clit clamps that could possibly be hurty (this is their asset)
--a stroker that looks like a pussy (secret hiding place not included)
--flavored lubes
--truly huge wand vibrator
--not quite as huge but still pretty fucking huge wand vibrator
--new agey game you can play with your partner about chakras and junk
--couples dice and card games

I can send you something specific or you can tell me what you're into and I can put a box together and ship it Priority Mail.  However, you are in charge of paying for shipping and giving me a wildly generous tip for driving my ass to the post office so I don't silently resent you, as is my way. You can email me for more details, if you want butt plug specs or something in private.

Also, and this is entirely off topic, the photo above is from the Cottingley Fairy Hoax, when two girls in England took pictures of themselves supposedly with fairies in 1917. Despite (or perhaps because of) the weight of popular attention and very serious photographic analysis by grown-ups of the time, the girls stuck with their story until 1983.

xoxo
jill

A New Contest! (Because ERA Yes!)

it's a metaphor

So this whole sex toy fairy godmother thing* has been pretty rewarding, as such things go.

My most recent beneficiary/victim was a cool guy in Alaska with whom I immediately started discussing highly personal butt toy stuff, as is my way. Which was lovely, of course, but the best part is that he loved his new toy! (The toy was this, if you must know. Christ, you're nosy.)

His follow-up report, in part:

OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD! Ummm…WOW!  You are a scholar, a saint, a (whatever description you prefer), etc...[IBWMW note:  I prefer all compliments] It arrived Sat. early-afternoon and I’ve used it 3x already... I’m already experiencing pleasure I didn’t know was possible for a man!

Mission accomplished, my friends.

Now I want a vagina-haver to get something fun to put in, on or near their own highly personal orifice and dear Andy at Good Vibrations let me pick out something for you. Well, one of you, the rest of y'all are fucked (or in this case, unfucked. At least by this toy.)

Behold, your new possible lover, the Happy Rabbit G-Spot.

Pleased to meet you.

I have something similar to this toy and I like it very much (it? Him? Probably a him, but they get to chose.)

To be entered to win:
1.  Tell me what your favorite sex toy is via comment below or top secret email.
2.  Prepare your bedchamber for possible rabbit love.

If you are chosen, Andy will pack up your silicone lover and sent it your way. (Sorry, you have to live in the U.S. because insane shipping costs, not xenophobia.)  Drawing will be next week sometime. Probably.

Anyway, I love you. Not in the creepy way.  At least not at this moment.  Still time. 

xoxo
jill

* My fairy godmother box is a little low right now. I have a few tingly arousal gels for women (use at your peril/delight), a strap-on penis designed to be worn over an existing penis, a small vibe, a mini clit toy and some wee butt plugs. Yours for the shipping and possibly a decent tip from driving my ass to the post office so I don't secretly resent you. (As a fairy godmother, I'm kind of a dick.)

The Sex Toy Fairy redux, and reader books all over the damn place

Your situation may vary

Hey there gorgeous. Lots to cover, so let's just get to it.

Sex toys up the whatever: So my stash of sex toys have been going off to seek their respective fortunes in/on/around some of y'all's highly personal orifices and...damn, I LOVE being a sex toy fairy godmother wielding my sometimes literal Magic Wands.

Besides the new widow (a toy virgin!), the sex toys have gone out to a married person whose sex partner has been their own hand (still true, but at least they've got something else going on down there), a person who is embarking on a sexual adventure in midlife and a couple who asked me to curate a box for them.  "What I'm going to do is set it up as 'we take turns' one night at a time, one item at a time, pulling one thing out and let the good times roll, then have something to look forward to the next night," wrote B, because people tell me things. I haven't heard back from either of them since so I'm assuming they're too chafed to get to the computer.

Money people paid me money (good money, too--thank you!), some of them didn't (okay, too. I know well the world of Poor.)

But my favorite story was when one among you, dear C who lives abroad like a bad-ass, offered to be a co-fairy Godmother and sponsor someone who couldn't afford it. That turned out to be new couple R and T who sent a message that read, in part: 

"I'm going to get really personal and tell you that both T and I are recovering heroin addicts. So neither one of us are working at the time because we don't feel ready to have money on hand quite yet. Sex is a huge distraction for us when we have cravings to use. We do get creative and use pillow cases to tie each other up but if we had a toy(s) to use it would really be amazing!!"

So on C's dime, I filled up a big priority box with all kinds of naughtiness and sent it off in a test run of our unconventional rehab program. Wrote C:  "I love their story and I am so happy to help out. I got divorced in my mid 40s and finally discovered a myself again - with an even richer sexual life. Because of the horror of the divorce, I am finally getting back on my financial feet and can do things like this. It makes me so happy!!! Sex and feeling good and healthy and sexy and wanting a full wonderful experience is the incredible and wonderful and necessary."

I still have a ton of some stuff waiting and willing to sexxx you up.  Among the items are:

--vibrators galore
--various bullet vibes
--a thrusting vibrator
--a prostate stimulator (non-vibrating)
--prostate stimulator, totally vibrating
--a penis-shaped hollow strap-on (to be worn over a penis for a little extra somethin')
--various lube, cbd oil for the groin

If you'd like a specific thing, or want me to throw a few things in a box, write me at jillhamilton001@gmail.com. I can also send you photos or more info, if you're the cautious type.  You'll need to pay postage (medium priority box is $14.35, large is $19.95), plus some amount of extra money for handling/bravery because mailing sex toys is occasionally harrowing.

Readers' Books
Two (2!)  among you have put out absolutely killer books recently.

The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid by Ronna Russell is a wonderfully honest memoir about growing up in an extremely religious household, marrying a not-so great closeted man and, discovering later in life, that her narcissistic, controlling father was dying from AIDS. Just thinking about it, I am now ashamed that I used the word "harrowing" for going to the stinking post office, when this is the real harrowing business of life. But it's also a hopeful story.  Ronna is strong as hell and finding her way just fine. The Uncomfortable Confessions of a Preacher's Kid is definitely in the genre of jacked-up childhood/eccentric parent reads like The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls and Educated by Tara Westover.


On Blossoming: Frank and Practical Advice on Our Bodies, Sexual Health, Sensuality, Pleasure, Orgasm and More by Gia Lynne is wonderful, shame-free Sex Ed book geared towards teens, young adults and parents. It's exactly what you'd want such a book to be--smart, frank and sex positive. Unlike regular sex ed (if your kids are lucky enough to even get any), On Blossoming has way less talk of Fallopian tubes and way more about the interesting bits like orgasms, consent and finding pleasure.
  
Later, man.  I'm off to re-hide a bunch of sex toys that are all over my bed so I could take photos for you.

Above the call of duty,
xoxo
jill

Sex Toys! Get Your Sex Toys!

I can show you the world

Due to my inability to say no to free things, I have amassed an embarrassingly large collection of brand new sex toys for both men and women--especially, for no reason in particular, butt stuff for men. There are only so many things I can put in, on or around my own parts, and I'd absolutely love to get them into the orifices of people who really want them.

The thing is, I can't afford to pay for shipping to send you all this stuff just free, especially those of you who live in other countries and don't tell me 'til the last minute.

Ideas? Should I create a Google doc of what I have and you can peruse my wares? Silent auction? Weird online garage sale? Should I only make you pay for shipping? Or should I charge a little extra for my Travel To Europe To Engage the Services of Parker Marx fund, which is on the secret bucket list in my head and presently contains zero dollars (which according to today's currency exchange rate is equivalent to zero Euros)?

I do want to get these toys in, on and/or under you, somehow. I have a deep love of giving out sex toys, especially when I feel like I'm really helping someone. Like, I gave some really great high-end toys to a non-rich new widow in Michigan the other week and honestly, I felt like a fucking fairy godmother, one who hands out literal Magic Wands.

So think on it, will you?

xoxo
jill

~~Disappearing magically into a cloud of fairy dust, or maybe it's just shimmery lube~~

P.S. I did sell the non-joy sparking Sex Machine and when I went to the local postal store to mail it, a mother at my daughter's school was working at the counter. I don't know her but I know she is a member of a religion that is not known for sexual tolerance.

On the advice of someone I shall not name, I lied and said the really really heavy package contained "books" because it was gonna cost over 90 bucks to mail as "non books." I thought I'd pulled it off and was emailing the buyer to tell her of our good fortune, and at the same time the school mom--perhaps guided by wisdom not of this world--OPENED THE PACKAGE.

Which is simply not done, but that's exactly what she did.

This is what she saw:

basically an onslaught of panties and a big pink dildo

Our eyes met for 4 million years while the box still sat wide open and radiating its pink shame, and even though I am 53 fucking years old and write a sex blog, I could feel my face go hot and red. She finally said, "I didn't see anything."

But she saw it all.

I will never go there again, but I did get the way cheaper book rate which, yes, is mail fraud, but I don't care because rules don't matter in our country anymore and anyway I felt I'd earned that money.

Pick Your Prize--New Contest!

I was dog sitting at a friend's house recently and--to make a short story shorter--I found their dog chewing up my favorite vibrator.

Don't worry. The dog is fine, the arousing effects apparently greatly lessened when you eat the vibrator instead of using as directed. And all is well with the owners too, mostly because I didn't actually tell them what had gone down on my watch. I figured my post about a dog performing surprise fellatio on my big ol' fake dick had served as a blanket warning to anyone who might desire my dog sitting services.

So all that's good. I mean, as these things go.

But the vibrator--my very very favorite, the Ohmibod Cuddle Minij--was done. A mangled reminder of its former sexy self, like Mickey Rourke, but smaller and more vibrator-shaped.

Suki, who works at Ohmibod, kindly sent me a new Mini, along with a lovely handwritten note that said,  "Keep this one away from the dog." Which is good advice for anyone. And guess what? I GOT ONE FOR YOU TOO! One of you, at least.

And...as long as I'm giving that away, I'm throwing in a few more prizes because I'm a socialist. Some of 'em are good, some kinda meh. All are unused--only the very finest for you, gentle reader!

So--ta-da!--here are the prizes, one of which may or may not be coming your way. (And yes, some are more like "prizes," but piss off, they're free.)

Yum

1. The Ohmibod Cuddle Mini, a strong-ass G-spot vibe with deep, throbby vibrations. Completely delicious--in the sexual sense, but also quite literally delicious to certain pervy dogs who could have had a perfectly normal non-G-spot-flavored dog treat had they just waited a minute.

2. Thai Jelly Anal Beads. Kinda sketchy, probably not remotely Thai, but "Jumbo!"

3.  A pair of Lolos pasties from Germany. Black with a pierced nipple area that you're supposed to wear in place of a proper shirt. Box suggests "casual for the day, sporty for the beach..." but I'm a hard no on both scenarios.

4. Fin (vibrator for fingers). A high-end vibe that makes your fingers magical on yourself or others.

Fin again

5. A deck of Talk to Me cards, "52 intimate questions to spark your relationship" which, near as I can tell, are ideal for alerting your significant other that they need to break up with you at once.

The Rules
--Tell me which prize (or "prize") you want in a comment below, on the IBWMW Facebook page, or on my Twitter if you can wade through the months of tweets where I'm freaking the fuck out about politics. (If you don't want anyone to know that you've even entered such a filthy filthy contest, send your entry from your undisclosed location to jillhamilton001@gmail.com.)
--Tell me what your favorite sex toy ever is/was. This is unrelated to the contest--I'm just super nosy.
--Results Wednesday, September 6. (Fear not, I won't reveal your name.)
--I'll pay to mail it to you, but if you live in another country or are just an appreciative reader who is rich and foolish with your money, feel free to make a donation via that big DONATE button in the right margin.

Yours,
jill

PS Thanks for all the delightful mail you've been sending! I will tend to you. Please take a number and sit down.

(If you order something through one of the links, the blog gets a kickback, but no one's paying me to show their stuff, particularly not the jumbo anal bead factory because they would so not be getting their money's worth)

12 Things I Learned On My Sex Toy Factory Tour!

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On Masturbation. And My Two, Possibly Three, Favorite Sex Toys.

Photo by Jimmy Detroit

"Your kisses are as wicked as an F-16/and you fuck like a volcano and you're everything to me," Liz Phair, Supernova.

Do you know the grand fuckery of which she speaks? The insane lust, the deep primal wanting, "Lips sweet and slippery/Like a cherub's bare wet ass." God, I do.

The thing is, most of the time I'm not there. And, given what you've been telling me lately, I think the same might be true for a lot of you.

If your sex life is such that masturbation is what's happening, and you'd like to fuck around (quite literally) with some new technology, I have a couple toy suggestions for you and that lonely bed of yours.

Why should you listen to me? Well, I'll tell you, smarty-pants.

--Between writing for Cosmo, AlterNet and this blog, I have had to put a fuck of a lot of whirring, sucking, vibrating things between my legs. Because that is MY JOB. Yes. God, or The Force or whatever, is good.

--Something about Malcolm Gladwell's theory of putting in 10,000 hours at anything to become an expert. 

Yes, my friends, I have been to the mountain top, sex toy-wise, and I've come back down, limping a little but full of Wisdom, to tell you my top two suggestions.

--If you are only buying one toy:

Oh darlin', I will rock your world.

The LELO Ora 3 The World's Most Sophisticated Oral Sex Simulator is expensive as hell but, damn, the thing is an excellent lay. It ministers to you via various vibration patterns and a little ball that makes lazy little circles or half-circles exactly where you want it to. You can just cycle though the patterns, and it feels like the best lover you ever had. I'm totally serious. It even seems to know exactly how long to pause before you completely lose it.

On the other hand, I looked at the Amazon reviews and some other people said it was weak, or unsuitable or whatever, so remember that everyone's body is different and just because I tell you to put something between your legs doesn't mean you'll like it as much as I did. (You should, however, DEFINITELY listen to my advice to never put that Sqweel whirlygig thing anywhere near your cooter. Trust me on this.

Man, that smarts.

(Further disclaimer: if you buy the Ora through this link, Amazon will give me like 2% or something. So if you buy like 28 million of them, I should be pretty good. Trickle down economics in action!)

--If you want to spring for 2 toys:

Allow me

I'd recommend the Womanizer, used in tandem with a g-spot vibrator (any will do, I use a Butterfly Bliss because I got it for free.) Between the gentle sort of suction motion of the Womanizer (maybe give it a different name in your head) and the low throbs of g-spot vibe on the inside, you will be a wreck, in the finest of ways.

(And yes, if you use the link to buy Das Womanizer and/or the Bliss, Good Vibrations will send me a 20% kickback, so you'd only need to buy about 3 million of them.)

Anyway, I'm not telling you this so you buy some merch, I'm saying it to sort of mark a shift in my head. Sex can be beautiful and scary and transcendent and super hot (or not.) And yes, of course it's preferable to have someone going mad for the way your boobs look when you unhook your bra, and being with someone brave enough dive into that Unknown with you, and just sort of bearing witness to whatever goes down. (Perhaps an agreeable Quaker, experienced in bearing witness, would be good here....though perhaps I'm not fully understanding the concept.)

However, even if it's just you, sans pervy Quaker, that sexual force is still there. And it seems hugely important to activate that power, whether by hand, sexy sucking toy thing or any non-Sqweel partner.

Henceforth, when loving the one I'm with is just...me, I am hereby ditching my previous habit of taking note of all the ways I am not sharing that experience (i.e. "Holy hell, they'd love to see this, hear this, feel this...") and getting all tragic about it. (For the record: Sobbing and coming at the same time is indeed dramatic and occasionally hot, but not that great as a Everyday Lifestyle Choice.)

Instead I'm going to revel in what does go down. It's still good. Sometimes damn good. And like jMadsen, but less naked, I will transfer that energy out into the damn world.

Huzzah, motherfuckers.

xoxo
jill


P.S. If you'd like to order a print of the Jimmy Detroit photo above, email him at JimmyDetroitx@gmail.com or contact him via  Facebook. Friend of the Blog, Great Guy! Plus real Art, highly affordable!