"Vagisil Porn"

Loretta, grab your steno pad! I have
 an idea that's gonna make us a mint!

(***Important Note to Readers: the following post does not contain any actual Vagisil porn.)

I promised myself I would not write about Misguided Googlers anymore. But yesterday I looked at In Bed With Married Women's search terms because, well, I just can't help it. It's such a voyeuristic thrill to see what weird-ass things people are searching for. A peak into the hidden soul of humanity, if you will. And it was so worth it because, I mean, look at the kind of stuff fresh-scrubbed Citizens of the World eagerly entered into the (supposed) privacy of their search boxes:

--"my vagina smells peppery"

--"it's your anus" (True, that.  And the name of a great new sitcom coming this fall on NBC.)
--"how to make your butt hole look nice" (Um, it's a butt hole...)
--"Grandma 7 vibrator" (The Grandma 6 vibrator wasn't properly grounded, I'm guessing.)
--"how meny kind of penice&vegena foto?" (Is this rhetorical? A zen koan?)
---"really bad noises in bed" (Actually, that one sounds kind of interesting.)
--"Captain and Tennille Twenty Years of Romance" (Oh, dear.)

But my personal favorite was: "how to make a Mangina." For those of you didn't see this post, a Mangina is a fake vagina g-string thing that a man wears to create the (very weak) illusion that he's sporting a vag. Which is fine. Whatever, if you want to wear one, go for it. But my advice to you is, if you're going to wear an Mangina, don't try to make one at home. For fuck's sake, spend the money and buy a real Mangina! I mean, coming upon someone wearing any Mangina would be upsetting enough, but someone wearing a flippin' pipe cleaner and construction paper homemade Mangina...? No, that will simply not do.

And finally, since I wrote this post on Vagisil, Google has taken to sending a bunch of Vagisil search traffic my way. I'm getting lots of "Vagisil ad offensive to women," "Vagisil doesn't work," blah blah blah, but I am particularly fond of this one, "Vagisil fuck yea". Vagisil. Fuck. Yea. It's like poetry.

Which leads us to the aforementioned "Vagisil porn," which, as my husband pointed out--far too gleefully, if you ask me--provides In Bed With Married Women as the top hit. This is because there is no actual Vagisil porn. None! Perhaps it's because Vagisil porn is not sexy. ("Oh yeah, you like that cloying floral fragrance my vag is emitting, don't you? Mmmmm, I think I need some more Vagisil... right... now... please... that's right... oh yeah...there.... yes, yes, yes, MAKE ME FEEL FRESH!!!!")  OR, it could be that Vagisil porn is a vast untapped market. I mean, there's that one eager customer already. Surely he's not the only Vagisil perv, I mean, Vagisil connoisseur. Is financial solvency knocking on your door in the form of an Internet connection, a digital camera and a big tube of Vagisil? Think about it. And you're welcome.

xoxo
jill

(yes, it's a rerun. I'm sorry. I have kids! Plus I need to freak out daily about the State of the Country. I will get to you though. Soon. Contest! )

The Week in Misguided Googlers, Redux

Does penice have two c's?

Last night, as I am wont to do, I was looking up the Google search terms people use to find In Bed With Married Women. This was suitably pleasing, as always. I saw the weird search terms ("how to make fursuit penises"), the weirder ("wifes first attempt at fucking a dog") and the blunt ("BOOBAGE"). And, as usual, plenty of requests for "nacked" women, but the one that stood out to me was "looking at anus." "Looking at anus." It was enigmatic--what did that person even want? Why "looking at anus" instead of a more obvious choice such as "photos of anus" or "anus pictures"? Were they interested in looking at anus themselves, or did they want to see a picture of someone else looking at anus?

I remarked on this to my husband, who idly wondered many Google pages Mr. Looking at Anus had to go through before In Bed With Married Women popped up. (It could, I suppose, be Mrs. Looking at Anus. Or more likely was just her name through marriage...) Well, there was nothing to do but type in "looking at anus" myself to find out. To my surprise and horror, In Bed With Married Women is the number two hit. That's right, if you want "looking at anus," apparently In Bed With Married Women is the place to be. It sits there above the #3 hit, a HealthBoards post involving an "ulcer looking sore inbetween scrotum and anus" and the #1 hit, a collegehumor.com headline reading, "The most realistic chocolate anus we've ever seen." And this point, my search history was a slutty, ravaged mess anyway, so I clicked through to discover that there is a company in England that sells chocolate anuses (ani?) in three flavors. On their site, they take great pains to inform the customer of the high quality of their chocolate anuses, noting darkly, "unlike some other unscrupulous novelty shops who get their chocolates made in China."

For us, making chocolate is an art, which is why we only produce traditional hand made chocolate of the highest standard. We also believe the anus range can dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, and sexual orientation.   

It's a little high-fallutin'-- it is a chocolate butt, after all. Still, if chocolate butts can ease race relations, break down sexual stereotypes and whatnot, I'm all for it. I am concerned, however, that they might have trouble finding an ample customer base. In a famous(ish) experiment by Paul Rozin, he presented subjects with fudge formed into a realistic likeness of dog poo. Although the subjects knew intellectually that the fudge was just plain old fudge, most of them couldn't bring themselves to eat it. (And most, I imagine, were also wondering why the hell this weird research guy kept insisting they try the dog poo-shaped fudge.) Anus is somewhat higher on the edibility scale than dog poo, but to most people, I'm guessing, not quite enough higher.

Anyway, all this has nothing to do with married women, sex or even beds. But maybe that's okay. Maybe I'll just follow the advice of one anonymous In Bed commenter who suggested,

Hmm... If it's pageviews you're after, meebee you should add those misspellings / unfortunate phrases to your metadata. You'll get the number one search ranking for "hair of penice" in no time. 

I don't actually know what "metadata" is, but when I find out, I just might do it. So if you're in need of top-notch, high-quality info on your penice, giving hand jops, being nacked or, of course, our specialty, looking at anus, we'll be here to meet your needs.

The Week In Misguided Googlers

As I've noted more that is probably reasonable (see also: Open Message to Terribly Disappointed New Readers and Sorry, No Explicit Pictures of "Penis in Vagina") I am consistently fascinated/amused/freaked out by the search terms people use that dump them unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women.

You see, no one ever searches for "wittyish blog about sex which, even though it's about sex, is difficult--if not impossible--to jack off to." Not that I can blame them--it is a bit wordy. Thus we are stuck with the dregs of search terms. I think Google gives us the searchers they don't know quite what to do with. This perhaps explains how the searcher who typed in "what say women uncut hair of penice and vagina can give more enjoyable sex?" landed bleary-eyed and confused here at In Bed. ("Women up the man in in bed" searcher, I'm talking to you, too.)

The tortured syntax, the untraditional "penice" spelling...oh you don't know the half of it. How about "pinnes bleach," "how to make my wife whim and groan in bed," "women hand jop &fucking the bedroom" and, my personal fave, "newely married women shoes her nacked body." I know some of these people are probably typing with one hand, but still... I can't help but conjure up the image of the woman with the nacked body enjoying a view of her lover's penice, perhaps followed by a hand jop then a "fucking of the bedroom," though the last part about them fucking the bedroom is sort of difficult to picture since I don't know what the hell it means.

Then there are the highly specific fetish searches. That would be "porn images of womens to wear female condon," "pictures of women anal bleaching," "sexy fursuit boobs" (as opposed to the unsexy kind, I suppose) and "train yourself to take a dildo deep in your colon." (Don't bother me now, I'm in training.) The searcher who typed in "fat anal blogger" was also sent to me, and don't think I'm happy about that one. Ditto for "women with saggy breasts are good lovers."

But my favorite search this week came from U.K. Google: "free pictures of female penile handling." I know Brits are supposed to be a bit more buttoned-up than Yanks, but "female penile handling"? Really? "I do say, Miss, might I trouble you for a spot of female penile handling?" (It's a nice touch that this person is unwilling to pay for their pix of penile handling.)

I will leave you today with this question posed by one searcher, who was perhaps overly trusting in Google to solve his ethical dilemma. "Is it wrong to fantasize about a married women?" he typed in fearfully. I say, "Geez, dude, get it together--even Jimmy Carter admitted to lust in his heart." But then I write an un-jackoffable sex blog, so I might be biased. What do you think?

An Open Message To Terribly Disappointed New Readers

To the readers who used the following (real-life!) search terms and found themselves deposited unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women, I offer my profuse apologies. I know you very carefully typed in your search terms like, "sexy mail carrier Atlanta," "clitoris video bed boat," and "married woman likes butt touch." I'm just as shocked as you that you ended up here, but fully confident you will eventually find your married woman who likes butt touch. (Helpful hint: maybe wait a few dates to bring up the whole butt touch thing.) And please rest assured that if I knew what a "clitoris video bed boat" was, In Bed With Married Women would make every effort to assure your needs were met.

I sincerely hope that you searchers with poor grammar and/or barely fathomable spelling skills find what you were really looking for. Yes, I'm taking about you, people who typed in "happy to exhibits their inhibitions,""vajazzing in southerb california" and "string bad seks."

Person who typed in "plastic roof ero," well, I don't know what the hell you were looking for, but I'm pretty certain you didn't find it here. Sorry. And to the Internet user who asked their search engine, "Do women like furries?": If you're asking me personally, then the answer is "no." But I'm sure there's a nice little filly out there somewhere who will like your sexy chipmunk costume just fine.

And finally, dear reader who searched for "look at pics of + wifes worn out stretched vagina," I'm not sure why you were directed here, but I have to say that I'm a little miffed at Google for thinking that In Bed With Married Women would fit the bill.

So, to you all, I say: Please, enjoy your .0004 second visit to In Bed With Married Women! Come again any time.

Sorry, No Explicit Pictures Of "Penis In Vagina"

In Bed With Married Women subscribes to a service that lists the most popular search terms people use to get to the site. But what I like better are the unpopular search terms. For some (probably unhealthy) reason, I enjoy picturing people being woefully disappointed when they find In Bed instead of what they were really looking for. Like the person who typed in the search terms "explicit pictures of penis in vagina" and found no such pictures, just some chick talking about weird sex toys and the like. I mean, they could not have been more specific about their Internet desire. Penis in vagina, dammit. Plain as day.

That's not as bad as whoever innocently typed in "footbag," but instead of finding some mellow hacky-sack tips, were transported onto the post about furries who like to play hacky-sack.  Ack! Delete! Delete!

Other unpopular search terms included: "hubby masturbate lovers cock," "can't stop thinking about married women," and "tighty-whiteys." I'm surprised that the person who typed in "fcuiiking married in red deer" came up with any results, let alone this one, and I'm guessing they were quite displeased. And who typed the weirdly clinical phrase: "naked female body parts"? I picture some dude in a foreign land with a shaky grasp of English looking for some porn, but armed only with the stilted phrases he's learned in his English language class, can only come up with "naked female body parts."

But the best one is "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only." This has it all: the odd specificity, the nonsensical phrasing and the utter wrongness of their search results. I actually typed in "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only" to see just how far this person had to go to get to In Bed With Married Women. I gave up at page 10 after being overwhelmed with the sheer number of weird-ass sites like "Old Grandma Hardcore." (A real site. Type it in if you don't believe me.) Eventually, Google--apparently feeling sorry for my lack of satisfaction in my search--helpfully suggested, "Did you mean to search for 'Japanese mom had something naughty in her mind free fuck video only'"?

I guess the lesson in all this is that, when searching, make sure you don't use an "on" when you mean "in."  Otherwise, instead of the free fuck naughty Japanese mom that you seek, you'll end up with Old Grandma Hardcore.*


*Several hours later:  This is beyond embarrassing to admit, but later in the day, I googled "old grandma hardcore." It was not at all what I was picturing, but instead a blog about a grandma who plays video games. If it's grandma sex you're looking for, I suggest the keywords "grandma porn." In the interest of good reporting (why the hell not?), I did just that, and I have to say, several pictures of naked, sex-having grannies later, I am quite sorry I did.