How I Became An "Anal Bleaching Expert"

Hey there. Are you busy? Google the phrase "anal bleaching expert" (with the quotes). Go ahead, I'll wait.... Do you see what I mean?

YES, to my horror, I am now the stinkin' top hit for "anal bleaching expert." How can this be? I mean, I only wrote one post about anal bleaching--okay, fine, I wrote two--but that's not the point. The point is that I'm placing the blame for all this squarely on the shoulders of the newly-hateful* Stephenson Billings, writer for parody extremist Christian web site ChristWire. (At least I certainly hope it's a fake site.)

In his post, Anal Bleaching, For the Sodomite Who Wants to Look His Best, Billings warns his readers of the horrors of anal bleaching, citing the In Bed With Married Women post Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?, and referring to me as an "anal bleaching expert." When I saw this, I replied something to him like, "Oh great, now I am an anal bleaching 'expert,'" noting that I would need to print up new business cards.

At this point, Billings cruelly referred to me again--in bold letters no less--as Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Well, that did it. ChristWire has a gazillion readers and before I could sputter impotently, "But, wait a minut...", I had become...Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton. Which, now that I see it in all caps, sounds like a really unhelpful Superhero.

Few things would please me more than seeking revenge on Billings, but I am stymied about what to do.  What could I do, really, that would be worse than linking his name in cyberspace forever to the phrase "anal bleaching expert"? So I guess I have no choice but to embrace Who I Am. So to potential employers, my daughters' future beaus, and others who Google me to check my reliability, character, etc...I say, Yes--hear me loud, hear me proud--I am Anal Bleaching Expert Jill Hamilton and there's not damn thing I can do about it!

(*Note: I do not actually find Stephenson Billings to be hateful. I mean, this has to be the best joke anyone has played on me, ever.)

Is Your Anus Looking Its Whitest?

Driving home the other night with friends, the conversation somehow turned to anal bleaching. (That the conversation could suddenly veer in this unsavory direction is exactly why we are friends.) Apparently society at large--without consulting me, mind you--has decided that anuses (ani?) are to look as lovely as possible. What supposedly makes for a good-lookin' anus? A light pink color. The trend started with adult film stars who wanted to look their best in extreme butt close-ups. It gained ground when people started waxing the hell out their neither regions and discovered new body parts to fixate upon. Plenty of people, it seems, have the time (and the inclination) to peer into their butts noting imperfections. "Hey, Hon, what are you doing in the bathroom?" "Be out in a sec! Just looking at my anus! By the way, Sweetie, does this underwear make my anus look fat?" 


Those who don't have the proper shade of pink can achieve colo-rectal perfection through anal bleaching. According to Bleach Bum, a site for "anal bleaching information and advice," "Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood celebrities try to stay younger." I am not that eager to take anal bleaching advice from anyone, particularly from someone who can't spell Hollywood, but I bravely clicked on. Basically they recommend two techniques: talking to a dermatologist about a bleaching cream, or way way less embarrassing, buying an over-the-counter bleaching product. But it was their third suggestion that concerned me the most. To wit:

3. You can prevent anal staining by being cautious in the bathroom. We suggest using a moist wipe after every bowel movement. This will ensure that the area remains clean and stain free.

Yes, they are telling you to wipe your butt after going to the bathroom. I guess it stands to reason that leaving poo on your butt would cause a stained appearance, but to be quite frank, that would be the least of your worries.

Anyway, we came up with a fine entrepreneurial idea, which you are quite welcome to steal. Anal bleaching strips. Like tooth whitening strips, you could wear them while at work, at play, out to dinner, whenever! Here, I'll even write the ad for you. The scene: two women talking on the phone. "Hey Barb, could you watch my kids while I get my anus bleached?" "Kathy, get with the times! I'm folding the laundry AND bleaching my anus in the comfort of my home! My anus is as pink as a new lipstick. And, Jim, by the way, is thrilled. He can't stop bragging to the fellows at the office about my light and bright anus!"


The price of anal beauty is a bit steep, as there have been various dangers associated with skin lightening, including skin cancer and liver and kidney damage. So you have to balance the variables. Is a foxy-looking anus worth getting a hideous disease? Should everyone's butt look the same? Do you agree that it is indeed a good idea to wipe after going to the bathroom? Do tell.