What Does the Onahole Say? New Contest! Win an Object to Have Sex With! (Or Make Love To--Up to You...)

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Kindle Subscriptions, Sasquatch Erotica and a Haunted Vagina.

Ok, fine, Amazon! I did solicit some reviews.

In Bed With Married Women subscriptions on Kindle are now ranked #48,174th among paid items on Amazon. Wheee! Which may or may not be due to my highly unethical plan of forcing Friends of IBWMW to write reviews of it. (In retrospect, asking people to shell out for a subscription would have been the smarter course of action. But I was a film major, not a business school grad. I can't be troubled with these practicalities.)

Anyway, #48,174 is nothing to brag about, but--fuck it--I'm going to brag anyway. By contrast, the erotic e-book Bigfoot's New Mate 3 (Sasquatch Erotica) is languishing at the #106,349 spot. In your face, Bigfoot, you sexy beast (literally, on the beast aspect). (In fairness to the Sasquatch, the 30 page Bigfoot book of love is going for $2.99, while IBWMW subscriptions are only 99 cents, so it might be a wash. The position of IBWMW Minister of Mathematical Calculations is as of yet unfilled, so I can't say for sure.)

Nonetheless, the experience of reading lovely reviews about oneself is highly rewarding and I recommend you have some people do it for you at once.

Thanks for all you do to support the blog.

xoxox
jill

p.s. I am reading Naomi Wolf's Vagina: A New Biography (Amazon ranking: #14,456) which is completely changing my vaginal worldview.  And yes, I did just write that I have a vaginal worldview. Will report anon.

p.p.s. While looking up the link for the Vagina book, I happened to see a link for a book called The Haunted Vagina (ranking #654,820). And yes, OF COURSE I fucking well did click over to see what it was about and came upon this description, which I will leave you with today:

It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead...

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. 

(photo source) 

"Wakey Wakey, Time to Shake Some Ass Girls"

"So....how's this gonna work, exactly?"

It's a new year and I'm temporarily under the impression that this is the year I'll get my shit together. So I'm bustling about, making things happen. To wit:

1. Luring People to the Sketchy 'Hood that is the IBWMW Facebook Page:

As of this second, the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page has 943 fans or likes or whatever it is we're calling it these days. Which is great, except as you know, maybe 15% are people who stumbled over there thinking it's a site that somehow literally gets you in bed with married women. For example:

Meet the newest member of the IBWMW Facebook page family! It's someone named "Loving Hunk" who, judging from his profile picture, appears to be an erect penis. According to Loving Hunk's profile, he attended school at "3some" and works at "Club Swinger."

But I am not one to put words in an erect penis' mouth, let's let Loving Hunk introduce himself:

"hi my self 29 single male living in chandigarh and frequently visiting delhi, mumbai pune or jalandhar. having a great sex appeal, had a lot of experience with cpls for 3some or group sex. enjoy sex . ladies females , cpls looking for sex contact me , satisfaction and pleasure is assured. lets meet and enjoy"

"Satisfaction and pleasure"--that sounds good, right ladies females?

So if you, and those you care about, haven't already liked the Facebook page, get on over there (might want to lock the car doors first. Just in case.) Not only will you get exclusive updates, the very latest in Misguided Googlers and whatnot, but particularly vigilant fans can see if they can catch the various inappropriate posts from Loving Hunk and his ilk before I delete them. And I'm quick. Like I bet you missed this one just this from this morning from one Rohit Kalkatti:

"ne, married women from bangalore around here???? if so wakey wakey, time to shake some ass girls!"

 So yes, shake some ass, and get on over there.

2. IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions and an Empirical Question:

I am asking friends of In Bed With Married Women to go over to Amazon and write a review of the blog to see if it improves our sales ranking. I was thinking this as "rigging the system," but the ever-wise IBWMW Minister of Science re-framed it as asking an "empirical question" (gaining knowledge by direct or indirect experience, duh) which sounds way less cheaty.

As of now, IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions are ranked #267,736 of paid items in the Kindle Store (#9 in "erotica"--whee!)

Will our cheatin-, empirical research help boost sales? Can we hit the rarefied atmosphere that is the low 264,000s? Will more reviews convince the highly alert Loving Hunk to shell out some shekels or whatever currency erect penises use to buy a 99 cent/month subscription? I will keep you informed...

3. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! No really, I mean, oh you, God. Because I am literally having sex with you, God." That is, erotica about God.  As in, possible mentions of God's jutting cockstand.

I know! I truly thought erotica could get none more weird that last week's post on the plethora of erotic ebooks featuring the likes of centaur gangbangs, Leprechaun doms and "Abraham Lincoln Fuck Machine"?

That was until @stillmansays alerted me to the existence of The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her (An Erotic Retelling of the Conception of Jesus Christ)

Here's its blurb:

Based on Luke 1:35. The Angel Gabriel told Mary that the Holy Spirit would come upon her and place the Son of God within her womb. When He shows up in her room late at night, she's surprised that He intends to do it in "the usual way" rather than by miracle. Will Mary still be able to call herself a virgin at the end of the night?

WARNING: This 3,000+ word story contains oral, vaginal, and digital sex between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit. May be offensive to some readers.

I think I must be feeling jaded this morning because I have no inclination to write about the breezy blasphemy caveat "may be offensive" (could be!) or that it is in some ways just a continuation of the whole Greek god/mortal sex idea, like Zeus appearing as a swan to bone Leda (I would have preferred a man instead of a stinkin' swan--what the hell do you do with a swan?--but that's neither here nor there).

No, instead all I care about is the "digital sex" between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit ("a Loving God" as one reviewer noted.) What is this digital sex? God is...texting? Sending unsolicited cockstand pics? It's quite perplexing.

Anyway I'd better just...stop. In the words of one outraged reader, circa 2010, "You are So going to hell. Have fun with that." Which, if true, I can be assured that at least I'll get a better room than the penner of "The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her."

xoxoxo
jill

(image: "Leda," Leonardo Da Vinci)