Vagina. Panty. Vagina Panty!

I completely completely adore my friend Betty Fokker, the Stay-at-Home-Feminist Mom (slogan: "Do not try to oppress me with your patriarchal values. It will not go well for you."), but was so disheartened to read her post on an even more fucked up "development" in female genital mutilation aka "vaginal rejuvenation!" Not because of dear Betty, who writes beautifully on the topic, as is her way, but because--holy fuck, ladies!--can we please get our shit together, vaginal pride-wise?

This time, the supposed "trend" (developed by...who? way-crazy insecure chick? dickish, greedy doctor? asshole boyfriend?*) is slicing--yes, slicing, sliiiiiiiiicing--the labia minora clean off. It's called "the Barbie" which is fucked up in about eight different ways. One of which being that a true Barbie would have a nice skin graft just sealing up the whole business. I call dibs on the patent!

Anyway, surgery is expensive and involves the aforementioned slicing, plus it's just so...permanent. And does anybody really believe that these vaginal "styles" will last more than, say, five years? I mean, if there had been a surgical way to get a permanent mullet installed in 1987, I'm sure some among us (well not us, because we are smart, but "us" as in us as a people) would have been lining up for perma-mullet surgery. Lining up, I say!

This crap has got to stop.

While looking up the link for Naomi Wolf's excellent book Vagina: A New Biography (and yes, don't you worry, little one, I will make good on my threat to present to you my new and improved Vaginal Worldview.) I saw this, and I knew it was The Answer.

This, my friend, is the Wearable Vagina, Vagina Panty.  It's for crossdressing, transfolk and the like, but I'm seeing the bigger picture here. It's panties with a vagina built right in! Even better, it's a currently socially acceptable vagina! Styles change--get you some new panties. Done and done! Sure, the underwear is $130.00, but c'mon, it's Vaginal Surgery Results--In A Panty!

I don't know what the hell it's made of or how it feels during sex, but we've established that all of that is irrelevant. I'm sure hacking off important chunks lady bits affects one's sensations as well. Get over it, sister.

The panties come in black, but check out this beige number below. It's a g-string (sexy!) but also a bit orthopedic-looking (grandma fetish!) for a confusing mix of sexy, functional and forbidden. Sex is sometimes about keeping your partner off-balance and I think these would do the trick nicely.

If you're budget minded, there's also a strap-on g-string version, the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature for $99. I am intrigued by the mysterious "urinary feature," however, the Amazon "frequently bought together" recommends something called It Stays Roll-on Body Adhesive (ouch) which costs about 10 bucks so, pricewise, it might be a wash.

xoxox
jill 

P.S. I am suspicious of this notice (below) on the Latex Vagina w/ Urinary Feature. Anyone have a theory on the quote marks? They seem a little cheeky to me.

Under no circumstance can any of these items be returned or exchanged because of health considerations and laws! However, "with our permission", an "unused" garment may be returned for an exchange, if it is in its original packaging (for size or defects only).

*Update:  It was choice #2 "dickish, greedy doctor." Via Twitter @wqbelle sent me this fabulous article in the Atlantic which points to one Dr. Red Alinsod as the guy who invented the process of amputating women's labia and had the balls (for now! perhaps those too shall soon be deemed cosmetically unsightly) to give it the perky "Barbie" name. He now travels about the country speaking to OB/GYN groups about the mountains of profit to be made but snipping off healthy and useful body parts.

Update way later in 2021.  Naomi Wolf went completely daft after this. Avoid.
(Hanes Hosiery ad, 1954)

Dr. Andrea and The Case of the Night Wank

Welcome, possibly troubled Gentle Reader, to today's installment of Ask Dr. Andrea. For you new subscribers (thank you!!!), Dr. Andrea is our Doctor-at-Large with specialities in women's/sexual health, nutrition and Ayurveda. If you have an entertainingly embarrassing problem, or--why not!--even a regular ol' boring one, man up and email it to jillhamilton001@gmail.com. And don't worry, you can be completely anonymous so no one needs to be knowing about your personal business. Except in a broad general sense. (Note: This is NOT a substitute for individual medical advice or care. So if Dr. Andrea tells you to stick a rusty tin can up your butt or something, check with your doctor first. Go on, check with them. I dare you.)

A few months ago, I noticed my partner was masturbating in his sleep. I've been aware of it happening a handful of times since then. It doesn't really bother me, but he thinks it's weird. He wanted to know more about how he's doing it, but since it's dark and I'm usually half asleep when it happens, I'm pretty useless. I suggested he film himself sleeping, then we could get some creepy Paranormal Activity action all up in here. He didn't really like the idea. Anyway, so far I haven't been able to collect much data on it for him although it did happen last night and I had my back against his left side so I knew he was using his right hand. He thought that was weird because he always uses his left hand (when he's awake). He started breathing hard for a bit, but then calmed down and then I woke him up. He doesn't think he's ever finished from this. 

Anyway, we were just wondering if there are any known causes, cures, or magical potions.

Anonymous 

Dr. Andrea:  First, this is not unheard of and is likely not harmful.

If he's really concerned, my doctor-like inclination is to suggest a sleep study with a sleep disorder specialist, since these activities might indicate that his sleep structure is not quite normal for some reason (normal being a rather arbitrary word here- very few of my patients have totally 'normal' sleep).

But honestly this doesn't sound like a problem big enough to warrant all that. It sounds like an interesting combination of a sleepwalking-style sleep movement disorder (there's even a movie about it! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2077851/ ), and normal tumescence and ejaculation during sleep (the phrase 'wet dream' makes me gag).

There is actually a name for this type of activity: "sexsomnia"!! I know, right? It does sound a bit funny, but that means there are enough cases for researchers to have given it a label. The technical definition is initiating sex while asleep, but I imagine it would pertain to your partner's activities as well. If it indicates that he's not sleeping enough or deeply enough for true rest, then it might be a problem. The things that I'd ask are whether he feels rested when he wakes in the morning (jumping out of bed vs hitting snooze multiple times), and whether there has been a change in your sex life linked to when this started. 

If sleep structure is indeed an issue, and he'd like to stop, it may be he needs more 'quality' rest- the body wants to be asleep between 10pm and (at least) 5am. In Chinese medicine, there's a proverb that says "every hour of sleep before midnight is actually worth 2 hours of sleep." Making sure he's getting adequate exercise and eating a healthy diet (plant-based, not too much processed food) can be helpful too, as those affect sleep disorders in general.

You're welcome to email me directly and give me more details if you'd like!

******

If you wish the Wisdom of Dr. Andrea, bring the customary two chickens and goat to her mountaintop lair, or just pop your question into an email.

xoxoxo

jill

(Photo: Alfred Cheney, Muriel Gray, 1920)

Kindle Subscriptions, Sasquatch Erotica and a Haunted Vagina.

Ok, fine, Amazon! I did solicit some reviews.

In Bed With Married Women subscriptions on Kindle are now ranked #48,174th among paid items on Amazon. Wheee! Which may or may not be due to my highly unethical plan of forcing Friends of IBWMW to write reviews of it. (In retrospect, asking people to shell out for a subscription would have been the smarter course of action. But I was a film major, not a business school grad. I can't be troubled with these practicalities.)

Anyway, #48,174 is nothing to brag about, but--fuck it--I'm going to brag anyway. By contrast, the erotic e-book Bigfoot's New Mate 3 (Sasquatch Erotica) is languishing at the #106,349 spot. In your face, Bigfoot, you sexy beast (literally, on the beast aspect). (In fairness to the Sasquatch, the 30 page Bigfoot book of love is going for $2.99, while IBWMW subscriptions are only 99 cents, so it might be a wash. The position of IBWMW Minister of Mathematical Calculations is as of yet unfilled, so I can't say for sure.)

Nonetheless, the experience of reading lovely reviews about oneself is highly rewarding and I recommend you have some people do it for you at once.

Thanks for all you do to support the blog.

xoxox
jill

p.s. I am reading Naomi Wolf's Vagina: A New Biography (Amazon ranking: #14,456) which is completely changing my vaginal worldview.  And yes, I did just write that I have a vaginal worldview. Will report anon.

p.p.s. While looking up the link for the Vagina book, I happened to see a link for a book called The Haunted Vagina (ranking #654,820). And yes, OF COURSE I fucking well did click over to see what it was about and came upon this description, which I will leave you with today:

It's difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead...

Steve is madly in love with his eccentric girlfriend, Stacy. Unfortunately, their sex life has been suffering as of late, because Steve is worried about the odd noises that have been coming from Stacy's pubic region. She says that her vagina is haunted. She doesn't think it's that big of a deal. Steve, on the other hand, completely disagrees.

When a living corpse climbs out of her during an awkward night of sex, Stacy learns that her vagina is actually a doorway to another world. 

(photo source) 

"Wakey Wakey, Time to Shake Some Ass Girls"

"So....how's this gonna work, exactly?"

It's a new year and I'm temporarily under the impression that this is the year I'll get my shit together. So I'm bustling about, making things happen. To wit:

1. Luring People to the Sketchy 'Hood that is the IBWMW Facebook Page:

As of this second, the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page has 943 fans or likes or whatever it is we're calling it these days. Which is great, except as you know, maybe 15% are people who stumbled over there thinking it's a site that somehow literally gets you in bed with married women. For example:

Meet the newest member of the IBWMW Facebook page family! It's someone named "Loving Hunk" who, judging from his profile picture, appears to be an erect penis. According to Loving Hunk's profile, he attended school at "3some" and works at "Club Swinger."

But I am not one to put words in an erect penis' mouth, let's let Loving Hunk introduce himself:

"hi my self 29 single male living in chandigarh and frequently visiting delhi, mumbai pune or jalandhar. having a great sex appeal, had a lot of experience with cpls for 3some or group sex. enjoy sex . ladies females , cpls looking for sex contact me , satisfaction and pleasure is assured. lets meet and enjoy"

"Satisfaction and pleasure"--that sounds good, right ladies females?

So if you, and those you care about, haven't already liked the Facebook page, get on over there (might want to lock the car doors first. Just in case.) Not only will you get exclusive updates, the very latest in Misguided Googlers and whatnot, but particularly vigilant fans can see if they can catch the various inappropriate posts from Loving Hunk and his ilk before I delete them. And I'm quick. Like I bet you missed this one just this from this morning from one Rohit Kalkatti:

"ne, married women from bangalore around here???? if so wakey wakey, time to shake some ass girls!"

 So yes, shake some ass, and get on over there.

2. IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions and an Empirical Question:

I am asking friends of In Bed With Married Women to go over to Amazon and write a review of the blog to see if it improves our sales ranking. I was thinking this as "rigging the system," but the ever-wise IBWMW Minister of Science re-framed it as asking an "empirical question" (gaining knowledge by direct or indirect experience, duh) which sounds way less cheaty.

As of now, IBWMW Kindle Subscriptions are ranked #267,736 of paid items in the Kindle Store (#9 in "erotica"--whee!)

Will our cheatin-, empirical research help boost sales? Can we hit the rarefied atmosphere that is the low 264,000s? Will more reviews convince the highly alert Loving Hunk to shell out some shekels or whatever currency erect penises use to buy a 99 cent/month subscription? I will keep you informed...

3. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God! No really, I mean, oh you, God. Because I am literally having sex with you, God." That is, erotica about God.  As in, possible mentions of God's jutting cockstand.

I know! I truly thought erotica could get none more weird that last week's post on the plethora of erotic ebooks featuring the likes of centaur gangbangs, Leprechaun doms and "Abraham Lincoln Fuck Machine"?

That was until @stillmansays alerted me to the existence of The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her (An Erotic Retelling of the Conception of Jesus Christ)

Here's its blurb:

Based on Luke 1:35. The Angel Gabriel told Mary that the Holy Spirit would come upon her and place the Son of God within her womb. When He shows up in her room late at night, she's surprised that He intends to do it in "the usual way" rather than by miracle. Will Mary still be able to call herself a virgin at the end of the night?

WARNING: This 3,000+ word story contains oral, vaginal, and digital sex between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit. May be offensive to some readers.

I think I must be feeling jaded this morning because I have no inclination to write about the breezy blasphemy caveat "may be offensive" (could be!) or that it is in some ways just a continuation of the whole Greek god/mortal sex idea, like Zeus appearing as a swan to bone Leda (I would have preferred a man instead of a stinkin' swan--what the hell do you do with a swan?--but that's neither here nor there).

No, instead all I care about is the "digital sex" between the Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit ("a Loving God" as one reviewer noted.) What is this digital sex? God is...texting? Sending unsolicited cockstand pics? It's quite perplexing.

Anyway I'd better just...stop. In the words of one outraged reader, circa 2010, "You are So going to hell. Have fun with that." Which, if true, I can be assured that at least I'll get a better room than the penner of "The Holy Spirit Came Upon Her."

xoxoxo
jill

(image: "Leda," Leonardo Da Vinci)

What if the Guy in 50 Shades of Grey was...a Leprechaun? And other really really bad erotica.

My Twitter friend @stillmansays sent the following missive:

"@Jill_Hamilton please write about this... Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machine."

I dutifully clicked the link.

And, well, Holy Fuck.

Abraham Lincoln: Presidential Fuck Machineis an e-book about, well, I'll just show you the blurb:

Few people know that Abraham Lincoln was the greatest fuck machine of all time. His sexual prowess is unmatched in the history of American presidents. When he gets word of a nefarious plot hatched by the insane Emperor of Japan, he must learn to use his most potent power--the power of his cock!

Uh, what??? "Abraham Lincoln" and "fuck machine" in same sentence? Cock power as 1800s foreign policy position? Possible need for insane Emperor to do anticipatory waxing for diplomatic summit?

The book is on Amazon, and has one of those "Click to LOOK INSIDE!" buttons. So--of course, yes!--I fucking well did click, immediately. And I am so glad I did because, well, behold this opening:

April 22, 1863

It was a balmy spring morning and the White House was abuzz with activity. I rose early, as I always did, and paced restlessly around the bedroom. Mary looked angelic in sleep, so I didn't wake her. As I stripped my nightclothes and prepared to dress, I noticed that my cock was fully erect and ready for duty, most likely due to some dream or humour that had overtaken me in the night. My birthmark itched, as it often did as such times. At first I considered mounting Mary and using her soft familiar slit to relieve the pressure in my prick but she was never very agreeable in the morning. Do not judge me too harshly, dear reader, but I must admit that, at that moment, I had an overwhelming urge to visit Martha instead.

As you know, I completely adore the idea of people's odd specificity in their porn/erotica, and this whole Lincoln thing is so...exactly that. The reference to humours, a man speaking of his "nightclothes" and even, gak, mention of his birthmark--even worse, an itchy birthmark. (Oddly, I find the birthmark detail much more off-putting than the idea of a pantless Lincoln and his "iron hard prick.")

The Lincoln porn turned me on to (note to self: think of different way of putting that) a whole new world of weird-ass e-book erotica. Holy crap, there are all kinds of these short ebooks about humans getting it on with every manner of literary creature, both mythical and beastly. Lincoln, at least, was both real and a human. Something which cannot be said for the other romantic leads in this genre.

For example, at the bottom of the Lincoln book page under "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" was the title...Snowballin': I Fucked Frosty. Yes, that Frosty. The Snowman.

Of course--of course--I immediately pressed Look Inside! but there was no snowy, snowy action on page one and I had to content myself with the cover blurb: 

When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duties, sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman.

"That is someone who is not looking at their options realistically," said my husband when I told him about this, as he tried with increasing desperation to move the conversion in directions far, far away from snowman fucking. As a result, I was alone as I tried to figure out how things might have gone down with Frosty. I suppose his carrot nose is an obvious place to start, but I just read somewhere that it's dangerous to insert carrots in one's orifices. (Can't remember why it was dangerous, just retained the salient point--"do not fuck carrot.") Though I suppose, in this case, carrot loss is less of a concern than genital frostbite.

I eagerly looked under the Frosty book's "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" and found all kinds of crazy-ass shit, including The Horny Minotaur, Fucked by the Lake Monster, Bred by Trolls, Merlin's Magic Wang, and Bred by the Boogeyman. I never knew this, but there is a whole sub-genre of these "Bred by" books. "Well, of course I didn't want to fuck the Boogeyman, but he forced himself on me."

However I found myself most intrigued with The Horny Leprechaun 1 not only because it has spawned a sequel, The Horny Leprechaun 2, but for fuck's sake, it's about a Leprechaun. Not only that, but this particular Leprechaun sounds like he's kind of a dick. Here's the blurb:

Some Leprechauns are not so nice........

All Karen wanted to do was go to Ireland.  That is until she goes out hiking one day and finds the rainbow's end. Unfortunately, she runs into one pissed off Leprechaun who thinks she is after his gold. Now the Leprechaun wants payment for trespassing with sexual acts that some called depraved while others might call it magically delicious. Karen finds herself with a bit of a sadistic man who takes what he wants and Karen finds that she likes it.

"The Horny Leprechaun 1" also starts with possibly the most alarming book preface I've ever seen:

"Warning: This story contains oral sex, forced seduction, and anal sex" ...WITH A LEPRECHAUN! A JERKY, BOSSY LEPRECHAUN! [ed note: yelling typeface part added]

This stuff must be getting to me because I'm already writing a scene for The Horny Leprechaun 3 (maybe 3-D? seek funding?)

Karen: "Helloooo, I'm in my hotel....What are you wearing?"
Horny Leprechaun: "Green booties with curly toes, ya filthy whore. Now get ye gigantic human-sized ass over to me mushroom house and I'm gonna pound ye with me wee green prick."

Fuck, that's hot.

To someone. Else.
 
Anyway, I'm gonna go keep looking at these. Need to figure out which first: Goblin Gangbang or Cum For Bigfoot 12 ? Or maybe I should just go seasonal with Bred by Santa (An Impregnation Sex Story). Oh, quit your judging. I read the first page already. Santa's not cheating or anything. Mrs. Claus is dead (one of many of his mortal wives over the years, apparently) and Santa needs to have a male heir. Anyway, I don't want to, like, fuck Santa, he forced me--for breeding.

Or maybe I should just stop.  I just had the suddenly sobering experience of seeing "Your Browsing History" for this session and am realizing that for the foreseeable future, whenever I log onto Amazon, I'm going to see messages like, "Recommended for YOU: Taken and Milked (a forced lactation sex fantasy)."

Right. I'm gonna go now. 

xoxox
jill

(image: The Grinder by the beyond fabulous and completely strange Mark Ryden. He is also obsessed with Abraham Lincoln, though probably not in the "fuck machine" way.)

The Appeal of the Experienced Lover, Or Why Older Women Are So Very Fuckable

I am 46 years old and I have never felt hotter. Never. Hotter.

Really.

And I'm not just saying that to dull the pain of some Horrible Truth like when people tell you men only care about a woman's inner beauty or that if you just breathe in a jaunty, can-do manner during childbirth, it won't hurt.

When you're older, sex is just...better. Way better. You notice more, you feel more, you just enjoy it more. In the post, In Search of the Elusive Third Type of Orgasm, dear reader Anonymous had this theory about it:

AS we get older, we are less concerned about how we look when screamin', whoopin', full heartedly ENJOYING mind-blowing sex. 

True. Plus once you hit 40, you get a delightfully useful "Fuck it" attitude that makes life much more enjoyable. Things you don't want to do? Don't do them! Fuck it! Boring people in your life? Don't talk to them! Only deal with people who enchant and entertain you. (And if you don't agree, piss off! I've got no time for you!)

Not only do I feel way hotter than my 20 year old self, I think I probably am, in some sort of observable, measurable manner, actually more smokin' hot. But in lieu of a complex and probably cost-prohibitive science experiment involving a time travel machine, a startled (and most likely drunken) version of my 1980s self, and an intrepid team of embarrassed/aroused scientists in lab coats calculating orgasm response times, we will have to test my hypothesis with empirical evidence. That is, observation and experience.

Exhibit A, Experience:  A 43 year old friend of mine recently bought a sex toy (It was something like this, with an inner dildo-y part plus so-called "rabbit ears" for outer stimulation) and quickly discovered that she could have g-spot orgasms. She had never known this about herself.  For 40-fucking-3 years! This information can be nothing but good, I say. Nothing but good! 

Yeah, it's definitely his Inner
 Beauty that's got us.

Exhibit B, Observation: Here I will have to go with Benjamin Franklin, favorite of old broads everywhere.  Franklin was not a looker, but he had a good brain which is ten times as hot, and was thus quite popular with the ladies. Here in his (once banned!) Old Mistresses Apologue (June 25, 1745), he advises a friend on why older women are clearly better Amours. 

I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

I'm especially fond of number 5, with its talk of "what is below the Girdle" and Franklin's trying to explain to his friend that below-the-girdle action remains oh-so-good by invoking sciencey phrases like "Animals that walk upright" and "Deficiency of the Fluids."

Franklin wasn't alone in his love of experienced older women. Men throughout history have come to the same conclusion. In this article in The Smoking Jacket (a site from Playboy, Worldwide Headquarters of young nubile boobs), writer Chris Lathrop cites Franklin's letter and his "centuries-ahead-of-its-time awareness of something that's become common knowledge among modern men and anyone who watches Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives: Older women fucking rule."

The Roman poet Ovid* (43 BC- 17AD) also noted that older women fucking rule, albeit more eloquently (i.e. "enjoy the fruits of Love in their full and ripe maturity") in The Art of Love--Ars Amatoria, a sort of instruction manual on Love:

They are well versed in all the mysteries and attitudes of Love, and are thereby able to enhance your pleasure...Their appetites do not need to be provoked by wearisome titillations and they will share their pleasures with you equally...Dutiful embraces repel me, for nothing can be more pleasing to the ear of a lover than a trembling voice of the beloved when she whispers ecstatically of her joy. What can compare to my happiness when my fair one pleads with me to prolong her rapture? Naught can be sweeter than my beloved, inebriate with ecstasy, holding me at arm's length and pleading with swimming eyes that I slacken my pace.

So what do you think of all this? Men, do you agree? Have you known the pleasures of an older women? Women, are you feeling sassier these days? Is your body more responsive? Less so? And does anyone else besides me wish that they were gazing upon the face of their beloved "inebriate with ecstasy" instead of sitting here at the fucking computer?

xoxox
jill


* p.s. If you want to feel smart and read something pretty sexy at the same time, I urge you to read The Art of Love at once.

Beware: some of Ovid's advice can be:
--practical, yet not currently socially acceptable, i.e. take two mistresses instead of one so you don't get too attached, or,
 --comically weird and outdated, i.e. this recipe for a face of "dazzling whiteness" which begins "Pulverize the first horns dropped from a lusty stag." (note: Ovid provides no clues on determining which stag is the lusty one.)

But most of his advice is still perfectly good. Here's Ovid on taking your time in Love, which, more than 2000 years later, is still damned good advice.

If you will listen to me you will not be too hasty in attaining the culmination of your happiness. Learn by skillful maneuvering to reach your climax by degrees. When you are safely ensconced in the sanctuary of bliss, let no timid fear arrest your hand. You will be richly rewarded by the love-light trembling in her eyes, even as the rays of the sun fitfully dance upon the waves. Then will follow gentle murmurs, moans and sighs, laden with ecstasy that will sting and lash desire.

Yes.

photo source