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| They have not worked on their Love Maps |
Note: this article ran first on AlterNet then on Salon. Only the (third) best for you, my friend! (update: 1/10/20. It's come to my attention that Shumley Boteach is pretty much a huge asshole and bigot. I left his thing in though bc I think his thoughts on this, and this alone, are interesting. The shitty bigotry, homophobia, etc...not so much.)
*****
“There are only two tragedies in
life: one is not getting what one wants, the other is getting it,”
said Oscar Wilde.
Passion is a tricky, elusive thing.
Once captured, it flounders. But why does it wither when
domesticated? Why do sexy intense beginnings so often lead to boring,
sexless or otherwise meh middles and ending? Why aren't we
having sex with our dear, highly-available partner, like, all the
time?
“Our
senses crave novelty. Any change alerts them, and they send a signal
into the brain. If there's no change, no novelty, they doze and
register little or nothing. A constant state—even of excitement—in
time becomes tedious, fades in the background because our senses have
evolved to report only changes,” writes Diane Ackerman in A
Natural History of the Senses.*
Or, says my friend Matthew, who thinks
deeply on such things: “Once you're with someone, they become your
family. And you don't want to have sex with people in your family.”
Which is true enough, especially that last bit.
But these Big Thinkers in the field say you can re-find passion, though they offer
differing--sometimes wildly so—theories on how to do it. With the right philosophical constructs guiding your behavior, perhaps you'll soon be happily fucking your beloved
family member again. Though you'll probably want to phrase that
differently in your head.
Corporate lawyer turned writer
and speaker on sex, relationships and porn. Co-hosts Your
Brain on Porn website with husband Gary Wilson.
The Big Idea: 'Karezza”
sex can help hack your neurochemicals, which thanks to the cruel
cruel Coolidge
Effect, make you feel less satisfied with your partner over time.
Even if, actually especially if, they are really great at
pleasing you.
The Fix: The neurochemicals that make
us so giddy with the first flush of love only last two years, tops.
After that, the buzz wears off and couples get habituated (the nicer,
more sciencey term for bored). Instead of trying to jack things up
with new positions or sexy clown costumes which can further numb
response to pleasure, slow things down with karezza sex, a form of
affectionate, sensual sex that generally doesn't result in orgasm.
This sex, according to Robinson, strengthens lovers' bonds and
results in more frequent and satisfying sex. “It's like learning
to diet by eating smarter, rather than struggling to eat less,”
writes
Robinson. “As my husband says, 'My limbic brain stays enchanted
because I don't attempt to fertilize you.'” (Her husband, it will
not surprise you to learn, is a science professor.)
Test drive: Practice a “bonding
behavior” like gazing into each other's eyes for several
minutes or lying with your head on your partner's chest and listening
to their heartbeat or synchronized breathing.
Further reading: Cupid's
Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.
American Orthodox rabbi, author
and TV host.
The Big Idea: Women are deep and
endless sources of sexuality. Exploring that eroticism leads to
richer, more profound sexual/spiritual connection.
The Fix: A woman's sexuality is “much
deeper and longer lasting than a man's. In the face of such
intensity, most husbands fear they can't measure up,” writes
Boteach in The Kosher Sutra: 8
Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring Passion for Life.
But for the husband who's brave enough to jump in there and explore,
there are sublime pleasures to be uncovered. “There is a part of
us, a passionate part that is raw, instinctive, animal, visceral, and
not attuned to social norms. It's incredibly erotic to witness this
side of a person become revealed. A man who can arouse a woman to
this level of abandonment witnesses something incredible,” writes
Boteach, in perhaps the hottest collection of sentences you'll
ever read by a rabbi. This deep sensuality flows into the rest of
life, giving everything an “erotic pulse.”
To get to that place, Boteach
recommends “Kosher Tantric” sex, including delayed orgasm to
prolong sex, making it into “a worship of the divine spark in each
other.” He's also against going to the bathroom in front of each
other—ruins the mystery.
Test drive: Try the Jewish custom of
abstaining from sex for two weeks when the woman starts her period.
“Every month, there must be two
weeks devoted to physical love, and two weeks devoted to intellectual
communication and emotional intimacy," Boteach
writes in Kosher
Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy. It may sound a bit old
school and rigid, but the forbiddenness fostered by abstinence can
build lust, plus the on/off plan happens to correspond nicely with
most women's monthly swings of desire.
Further reading: The
Kosher Sutra: 8 Sacred Secrets for Reigniting Desire and Restoring
Passion for Life.
Writer, speaker, couples and
family therapist.
The Big Idea: We need safety and
security in a relationship, yet we also need adventure and
excitement. The problem is that satisfying either of these needs
sort of negates the other. The trick is riding the wave between
security and excitement, figuring out ways to introduce novelty, risk
and mystery into the familiar and comfortable.
The Fix: The erotic thrives on power
plays, thwarted desire, threats of rivals and other non-safe and
lovey ideas. Tap into these rich sources of desire by questioning
your ideas about what's “acceptable” to you—for a lot of people
their greatest sources of excitement and pleasure have to do with
childhood hurts. Being willing to poke around in these dark areas of
your erotic brain is a potent natural fuel for pleasure.
Test drive: Embrace the “shadow of
the third.” In every relationship, there are other players, whether
actual infidelities, flirtations or agreed upon partners. Accepting
this and working with it--whether by actually introducing others into
your marital sex, negotiating monogamy or just feeling the arousal of
a threat (perceived or real) of a romantic rival—beats complacency
back and helps you see your mate as the desirable creature that they
are.
Further reading: Mating
in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic
Husband and wife psychologists
who run the Gottman Institute and the Relationship Research
Institute.
The Big Idea: Married people do best
when they behave like good friends and handle conflicts in gentle
positive ways.
The Fix: The Gottmans are known their
Love Labs in which they observed couples and found that future
divorcees tended to handle conflict via what the Gottmans call “The
4 Horseman of the Apocalypse”: stonewalling, contempt,
defensiveness and withdrawal. So don't do those.
Good behaviors, which lack a catchy 4
Horseman-like name: Respond positively to your partner's “bids”
(bids are requests for emotional connections via a question, quick
hug and such). Create a love map--a mental list of your partner's
preferences, dreams, and sexual proclivities. Create rituals for
initiating and refusing sex to minimize miscommunication and feelings
of rejection. The resulting atmosphere of kindness and communication
is conducive to “personal sex” that's focused on intimacy instead
of intercourse.
Test Drive: “Plan time for
activities like hot baths, back rubs, touching, holding and simply
making each other feel good physically and emotionally. If sex
happens, that's fine. But if it doesn't, you'll still have met your
expectation of enjoying time together,” advise
the Gottmans.
Further reading:
The Seven Principles for Making
Marriage Work
Psychologist, sex therapist and
director of the Marriage and Family Health Institute.
The Big Idea: Passion (as well as a
healthy relationship) depends on “differentiation,” that is, each
partner cultivating a strong sense of self, despite their partner's
(very normal) efforts to thwart that growth.
The Fix: When partners work on
becoming differentiated, it creates tension and gridlock. This
coupled, with what Schnarch delightfully calls “normal marital
sadism,” can lead to marital breakdown, but it's actually an
opportunity. Gridlock and tension create a dynamic environment for
growth and helps passion thrive. Anxiety is also good. Instead of
working on anxiety reduction, couples should work on ways to tolerate
anxiety via self-soothing. “Anxiety is often part of the best sex
we ever have. It's part of growing sexually. Anxiety makes us pay
attention to what's going on,” writes
Schnarch.
During sex, couples should focus on the
connection, working on truly feeling their partner as they touch
them. Also good is “hugging til relaxed” which is pretty much
what it sounds like.
Test drive: Try for “eyes-open
orgasm.” Looking deep into each other's eyes adds intimacy and
meaning to sex. The more you do it, the longer you can do it and the
deeper the connection.
Let me know if any of this works for you.
xoxo
jill
*This, however, does not explain why
there are so many strip clubs called Deja Vu. "That? Again?"
: I wrote a 
: I am madly in love with Mary Roach because she is so funny and smart and well, here... I just opened to a random page in which she is touring a sex toy factory and describing the crew of middle-aged Latina women working the assembly line. "Now we have paused to watch a team of women, wearing latex gloves, whose job is to rub a light film of red paint into the testicles and glans of large fleshtone dildos, to pinken them, 'to give them the realism.'....The women are laughing and chatting as they work. Their movements are inadvertently erotic; the hand-staining of a dildo tip could be the efficient caress of a sex worker." See what I mean? (Even better is 
but that is about dead bodies, not sex, which may well be a dealbreaker for you.)
or 
by Helen Fisher: Deliciously passionate writing on the science and anthropology of sexual attraction, crushes, the body language of flirting, brain chemistry and reasons we act like such fucktards when we're "in love." (Is the term "fucktards" offensive? If you are a fucktard, I mean no offense.)
by Diablo Cody, penner of "Juno." So funny, completely dirty, very fascinating look into her experimental stripper phase. Some parts are so graphic--like the particularly vile (to me) fetish of one repeat customer at her seedy San Francisco peep show booth--that I can't stand even repeating it. Oh, don't worry, you'll know when you get to him.
: Ancient Roman poet Ovid offers instructions on conducting oneself before, during and after a love affair. So fascinating to see that the games and subterfuge of passion are pretty much unchanged (except for archaic bits such how to whiten your skin with the ground-up horn of a lusty stag. As we now know in modern times, non-lusty stag horn works just as well.) Here's Ovid on taking your time in love: If you will listen to me you will not be too hasty in attaining the
culmination of your happiness. Learn by skillful maneuvering to reach
your climax by degrees. When you are safely ensconced in the sanctuary
of bliss, let no timid fear arrest your hand. You will be richly
rewarded by the love-light trembling in her eyes, even as the rays of
the sun fitfully dance upon the waves. Then will follow gentle murmurs,
moans and sighs, laden with ecstasy that will sting and lash desire.
: Diane Ackerman writes with a florid (in a good way) style on how the historical and anthropological ideas of love have developed and changed over time.
(from 1998!) and move your way forward.