I Had Sex With Something Called A Clitoral Stimulator

My pricey lover with unidentified companion

I don't know if I'm bragging about this or confessing, but Good Vibrations gave me a new kind of vibrator to test out in return for my honest review. Everyone has their price, supposedly, and I now know mine:  $189, the exact cost of  The Womanizer Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator.

For your $189--or in my case, the whoring out of v. personal moments--you get a thing that looks like an ear thermometer, plus a USB cable, extra tip, fancy case and instruction booklet translated from the German with references to the KLITORIS and somewhat frightening/mysterious exhortations like "Turn the device off whenever unusual sounds are heard and do not continue using it."*

To use (fuck? make love to/with?), you put a little suction cup-like thing directly on your clit and it sort of vibrates and does something that feels a lot like gentle sucking, like someone's mouth is on you. It's a totally different sensation, as far as vibes go--sweet and nice, but not too ethereal. There are like 6 settings of intensity but I could only handle the first two.

The first time the Womanizer had relations, we had some first date issues. During some of it, it was insanely good, then it would somehow suddenly be just "meh" and I could have gotten up and had lunch or something with little regret. Then back to insanely good again.

Instead of a straightforward Masters and Johnson graph from arousal to orgasm:

...it was more like one of those Family Circus cartoons where Billy takes the meandering, long-ass way somewhere...

La de dah.

I think it was self-consciousness due to using it in front of someone coupled with the thing's notable resemblance to a wee little clit-sized milking machine. Still, I kept with it out of sheer determination, which is not exactly an optimal sex attitude. It was pretty frustrating. But then, when it finally happened, I literally screamed. Like, out loud. In a good way, in case you were wondering. This is not something I generally do.

Second time I snuck in the bathroom and put some porn on my phone (is this making you hot? No? Sex stripped of its mystery, connection and passion is so... almost workaday, like I'm describing how I changed the oil in my car or something. Which for the record, I don't know how to do, so don't bother asking me to). The Womanizer caused no screaming this time, but it was quick and easy, which sometimes is all you're looking for.

Third time, it was good. Real good. I'm a little bit in love with it, if you must know. If that thing had a varsity jacket I would so be wearing it.  

If you shell out for one, let me know how it was for you, 'cause then I will feel like we're even somehow.

xoxoxo
jill

*Because that's when the ghosts have taken over the vibrator. (Denn, wenn die Geister haben die Kontrolle übernommen Der Vibrator)

Contest: Write a Six-Word Sexual Memoir

6 words: See-though partner kinda freaking me out.

Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...")  I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came." 

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

The prize is this Play-Doh-looking Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations. This g-spot intensive, plus outer stimulation set-up, according to my sex toy-selling friend, is good. Damn good. So you might wanna work for this one. Or if you'd rather just buy your way into it, click here.

Leave entries below as a comment or drop me a line at: jillhamilton001@gmail.com.

xoxox
jill

(photo source: Lady Cheeky)

Bad Sex, Gratitude, and a Contest to Win a Pair of Vibrating Panties. (And don't worry your pretty little head, I'll tie it all together)

Wouldn't you like to know?

Okay, I lied. I am actually not sure how I'm going to tie this all together but let's give it a go, shall we?

Item #1: Gratitude. After my little rant about Google pulling their ads from In Bed With Married Women due to my supposedly "pornographic" ways (see also: Yes, There's Adult Content. That Would Be Because I'm An ADULT), several gentle readers came through to Fight the Power by springing for a Kindle subscription (only 99¢ a month!), going through the blog links to buy something from Amazon or Good Vibrations, or flat out donating money. I don't even know how to say thank you without sounding like an ass, but please know that I am beyond thrilled and humbled. So. Much. So.

Item #2: A Contest to Win Vibrating Panties. Because I am so hideously inept at expressing my gratitude in words, I'm going to Plan B: giving away a pair vibrating panties! Here's the Good Vibes description of said panties (insert game show music here and read the following passage aloud using an announcer voice. Unless you're at work, in which case don't. And get the fuck back to work.):

Frisky fun is just a click away with the Remote Pleasure Panty! These flirty black lace briefs feature a hidden pocket sewn into the inner lining specially designed to hold the curvy-shaped bullet vibe close to the body for a superior external stimulation experience. Plus, the included wireless remote allows your or your partner to take control of the sensations from up to 20 feet (6m) away, with 10 different functions of vibration, escalation, and pulsation to choose from.These sexy skivvies adjust to a variety of sizes with satin ribbon side ties that lend these lacy lovelies sass and sophistication. Whether part of your intimate play or to add excitement to every day, the Remote Pleasure Panty is a discreet and titillating treat.

Nice, right? I like the whole aspect of someone else being able to control them from up to 20 feet away (or 6 meters if you're sharing the love with a Canadian or Brit* or something). And I like that the volume ranking is only a 2, meaning the vibe is not very loud. It would probably ruin the effect if every time your lover (I'm going to imagine mine being British and thus standing 6 meters away) fires up the panties and they roar to life like an old gas-powered lawnmower. Anyway, they are a $64 value, meaning you will get at least $64 of "superior external stimulation experience." Which sounds good to me, if not a bit space alien-sounding. "Please spread your leg modules to commence external stimulation experience." (If you don't wish to publicly state your sordid desire to win such panties, you can just order them directly.)

Item #3: Bad Sex.The Literary Review has announced this year's Bad Sex in Fiction nominees. The bad sex doesn't seem nearly as delightfully bad as usual but have a look if you'd like. I did, and I probably shouldn't be admitting this in public (The Internet--it's FOREVER!), but this nominee from The Great Night by Chris Adrian didn't sound bad, but, well, kind of hot to me:
"His lady lifted to the stars on his impossibly stiff, impossibly elegant cock"

Impossibly stiff, impossibly elegant cock? What is the bad part, exactly? (Anyway, if you have time/inclination, you might also like this smart funny essay by contest judge Jonathan Beckman. Who, I think, might be, hmmmm...British.)

Item #4: Hey Jill, Quit Dreaming of Remote-Wielding Brits and Get Back to the Damn Contest! Right. In honor of the Bad Sex awards, I am hereby decreeing it to be BAD SEX WEEK here at In Bed With Married Women. Thus, to enter to win those sexy sexy panties, you must provide us with some bad sex. You may either:
1. tell us about some bad sex you experienced (sorry 'bout that, darlin') OR
2. share some literary bad sex.

You can either fork over the bad sex via comment below, or if you're feeling shy, via email. I'll announce the winner Friday, December 9, 2011.

To get you started, here's a sample of real life bad sex sent in by the always delightful Can't keep anything to myself as a comment on the last post 7 Things I Learned At Homemade-Sex-Toys.

Apparently Trojan also thought Ben Gay/Icy Hot + sex = great idea. Fire and Ice condoms anyone? I actually thought these seemed like fun. Especially after the super cheesy commercials. "Burning and freezing sensations in my vagina?! Sign me up!" I was reluctant after reading reviews from people who said they were too fiery and too icy, but my curiosity got the better of me. And faith in the toughness of my vagina. (What can't she do?!)

Lo and behold, my vagina is in fact too tough (and by tough I mean insensitive, NOT tough like beef jerky is tough). I didn't feel a thing. My partner on the other hand had to run to the bathroom to wash his fiery-icy genitals in the sink.

I felt kind of bad. And yet, I'm still kind of jealous I didn't get to feel ANYTHING.

Want a little more bad sex, do you? Don't worry, I'll be providing you with bad sex every single day this week. (Wait a minute, that doesn't sound too good, does it?)

*This is incorrect.  See also: Sandra, a Brit, pointing out my ignorance of global measurement standards in comments below.

New Contest, But I'm Going to Make You Work for It

Instead of waking up early and briskly typing out the lovely essay on science, crushes and obsession as I'd planned, I instead chose to hit the Motrin PM last night and watch multiple episodes of "Breaking Bad." I have not learned my lesson and would make the same decision again, but consequently, in place of the hard-hitting, life-changing reportage that you expect around here, I'm forced to offer you the (much less brain power required) gift of Earthly Pleasure.

To wit, this, the Pocket Rocket vibrator* from wholly delightful sex toy company, Good Vibrations:

You know you want me...

To win it, simply be the person to gather the MOST new fans to In Bed With Married Women by next Tuesday, Sept. 27. "Fans" can either be:

-- In Bed With Married Women Kindle subscribers

--Followers of the blog via Google Reader (see follow button in right column)

--People who "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page 

--E-mail subscribers (see Feedburner form in right column)

--New Twitter followers (@Jill_Hamilton)

Bonus point opportunities!: 

--A shout out and link to In Bed With Married Women on your blog counts counts as five fans.

--A link to the blog or a particular post counts on your Facebook page counts as five fans.

--A FF or RT on Twitter counts as five fans. 

You can either have your recruitees tell me you sent them OR let me know how many you suckered in via comments below or an e-mail. Again, deadline is Tuesday.

* Disclosure:  I once owned one of these pocket rockets and it, combined with this ridiculous looking bunny sleeve thing, was so good, I actually had to throw it away. I loved it too much. It was also the inspiration for the post How to have a G-Spot Orgasm. So, what I'm saying is, well, the %$%& is good. Maybe too good.

Good luck...

[photo:  Undervannsakt (Slow Water) by Raymond Mosken, source]

A Really Good Contest, Plus Your Ugly Celebrity Crush

See that blue thing below that appears to be pointing to these words? That, my friend, is not just a handy pointing device, but also today's fabulous contest prize.

It's an iRabbit Mini Waterproof Vibrator from hipster sex toy company Good Vibrations, an $89 value! (insert cheery game show music here.)

Damnably, I haven't tried it myself, but it sounds quite delightful. One, it's phthalate-free and waterproof. Two, it ranks very low on the volume scale (good for sneaking back to your room to "fold the laundry"), yet ranks highly on the intensity scale (meaning, laundry folding will be really, really....good.) But, that's not all--dude, listen to this ad copy: 

Sporting the same semi- realistic design [as the full-size version], the multi-speed iRabbit features the swiveling shaft, scintillating pearls, and multi-function pulsation patterns for a variety of stimulating experiences. 

The last part of the sentence with the swiveling shaft and whatnot is so appealing, I can scarcely be bothered to make a joke about the "semi-realistic design." I would so get this swag for myself, but I'm pretty sure I'd never leave the house again. (Note: not a lie.)

To enter, name your Ugly Celebrity Crush as a comment below. A UCC--because I'm literally too lazy to type the whole fucking name again (a time-saver I just negated by typing a much longer explanation which required the additional arduous task of italicizing. Crap.)--is a famous person who, while technically ugly, still has a certain something. Which is visible only to you. 

Dick Morris,
pre-fatness

Mine, I am sorry to report, is Dick Morris, who is a complete asshole and, truth be told, getting pretty fat. Yes, he's a fat, unattractive, politically heinous asshole, but...well, rrraaoooww. 

I know. I know. I am filled with shame. 

Okay, now you. Who's your Ugly Celebrity Crush?

Winner will be announced Monday, June 20, 2011, and selected by me and the vagaries of my whims. Or...if I'm lucky, me and my new lover, Dick Morris.

(Btw, if you want to bypass the contest and get to that "laundry folding" right away, click here to order the contraption.)

The Very Quickest of Contests. Bare Your Soul! Win a Prize!

The prize:

Blossom Organics Warm Sensation Moisturizing Lubricant from girl power/sex healthy sex toy purveyors, Good Vibrations. It's from their popular environmentally-friendly Ecorotic line.

Here's the description:

Heat up your days and nights with this delicious warming lubricant! Formulated by an organics visionary with a special mission to make the best intimate products for mindful women (and pH-balanced to mimic a woman’s natural chemistry), this Blossom Organics product contains no harsh parabens, petrochemicals, silicones, glycerin, alcohol, hormones, pesticides, artificial dyes, flavorings or fragrances. Certified USDA approved organic botanical ingredients create the warmth -- enjoy the extra sensation along with this superior lubricant's long-lasting moisture. Water-based, latex-friendly, and perfect for those with chemical sensitivities who can't use other brands of lube.

And it's a $15 value, my friend. Because nothing's too good for you and your tender naughty bits, gentle reader. That's right, no Polysorbate 80 on your wiener.

To win, you need merely, uh, wait.... let me think of some task for you. Okay, to enter, describe a sex move someone else performed on/to/with you which they thought was super-hot, but was in actually not hot--possibly even repellent. (Bonus points for understanding the previous sentence!)

Contest closes by noon tomorrow, so start dredging up those unpleasant memories. Winner will be chosen by secret voodoo ceremony, or hormonal rage, or perhaps a random drawing. We'll have to see how I'm feeling (see also: "hormonal rage.") Okay, then. Go on, now.

(P.S. Alternately, you can 'win' the contest, in a sense, by pulling out your credit card and just buying the damn thing. Hooray for you! You 'win'!)

New Contest: Win some smutty reading!

A few months back I asked the good citizens of the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page* what they'd like to see as a contest prize. The resounding answer was, surprisingly not what I usually offer, that is, "giant blue vibrators with vaguely frightening prongs," but "sexy books."

Oh, I won't judge because I too am a fan of the smut (See also: In Praise of Smut, if you don't believe me.). I think a little smutty reading puts you in a more sexual/sensual frame of mind which makes life a hell of a lot better.

Thus, as part of my unceasing efforts to make life a hell of a lot better for you, gentle reader, this week's prize is Playing With Fire, a book of sexy stories from cool, SF-based sex shop, Good Vibrations.  I haven't actually read it, but here's the blurb, complete with its embarrassingly excessive scorching! fire! heat! imagery.

This scorching collection of torrid tales will leave you burning with desire. Incendiary short stories tackle taboos and set boundaries ablaze, allowing couples to act out their most fiery fantasies. Alyson Tyler gets burned in “Some Like It Hot,” while Thomas Roche’s “Hot Off the Presses” follows a reporter infected with rock ‘n’ roll fever. Playing With Fire will ignite your imagination, fuel your fervor, and inspire you to have some smokin’ hot sex!

To enter, list your favorite sexy book in the comments below. I'll choose a winner by random drawing on Tuesday. And if you don't feel like waiting around 'til damn Tuesday to left "burning with desire," you are more than welcome to order the book yourself.**

* For more on my love/hate relationship with the IBWMW Facebook page, plus some truly awesome (deliberately) bad smut written by the lovely Katsidhe see The Language of Seduction, Plus Guest Smut from Tapetum Lucidum.)

**Disclaimer: a portion of your Good Vibes purchases made through this blog goes to my Lexapro paying-the-electric-bill fund. (A note to the shy: Don't worry, I don't see who is ordering or what people order or anything like that. So stock up on anal plugs, dungeon master DVDs and sexy nurse costumes--I'll be none the wiser. Unless you want to tell me. Which is also fine. I think. Unless it is too weird. Then it would probably creep me out.)

P.S. A few people have told me that the comments are acting weird. You can also enter by emailing me.

Mmm, Sex Toy Recycling*

Your sex life is probably already pretty green. Hopefully you're not doing it while simultaneously eating excessively-packaged Lunchables, and I certainly hope you've traded up from your old-fashioned coal and nuclear-powered vibrator. But beyond the obvious ways of greening your sex life (i.e. take a shower together to save water, don't have 8 billion kids the Earth can't sustain, etc...), there are a few ways to push it further--way further.

There are companies, like Sex Toy Recycling Program and Sex Toy Recycling, that--as their names quite strongly imply--recycle sex toys. The Sex Toy Recycling site sums up this mysterious and magical process with this oddly heart-warming diagram of old, sad broken sex toys being transformed into a shiny new purple dildo. (Hooray! The Island of Misfit Sex Toys is saved!)

I know, I know, sex toy recycling, gross.  But it's not like they're just hosing 'em off and putting them back on the shelves. They take the items to the lab where a (hopefully very highly paid) team of workers sorts through all the materials 

and sends them to the appropriate bins for grinding up to be made into shiny new sex toys and other things as well. Like, perhaps, that coffee cup you're drinking out of right now! (Pause for spit take.)  

The (unused) sex toy industry is also all over this green thing and has a host of green sexy stuff including vibrators with rechargeable batteries, organic lube, flavored vegan condoms, even bondage gear made out of 100% recyclable rubber. Our favorite (unused) sex toy company Good Vibrations has a whole Ecorotic line of these "sustainable" sex toys. (Press the green banner to the left to see what they have. Buy yourself something fancy, honey.) And you can feel even more virtuous with the purchase of your non-PVC anal plug or whatever because GV is partnering with the Global Justice Ecology Project, a cool group focusing on climate justice, Indigenous People's rights and protection of native forests.

This is all good, right?  Because we really don't want our children's children surrounded, Wall-E-style, by piles of grandma's non-recyclable polystyrene anal ring toss game, now do we?

* And yes, this post was indeed recycled as well. It used to be a giant plastic penis. But don't worry. I rinsed it off.

The Blog That Rewards You For Your Failings

Today's contest asks you the inappropriately personal question: What Stupid-Ass Thing Have You Done for Love (or, if you prefer, "Love-Resembling Emotion That Cruelly Disguised Itself As Actual Love")? Did you write bad poetry? (Check.*) Feign an interest in the intricate fretwork of guitarist Adrian Belew? (Check.) Subjugate your personality until only faintly recognizable? And even then only observable during the vernal equinox with the use of special goggles? (Sigh. Check.)

Don't worry, no one will judge. Really, it was all so long ago. Why, it's difficult to even remember the white-hot burn of shame of not being true to your own bad-ass self. Besides you're, like, a million times smarter now -- right?

That's why the prize for this contest is the It's All About Me Kit from eco-friendly, girl-power-promotin', dildo-sellin' sex toy company Good Vibrations. The kit (a $32 value) includes:

• Touch Me Massage Oil (Nude, 8oz)
• Devour Me Lickable Body Oil (Pina Colada)
• Rub Me Massage Bar (Coconut Lime)
• Ignite Me Massage Candle (Nude, 2oz)

It's all the better for your New and Improved Lover (or yourself, also a decent lay) to minister to your needs.

To win, confess your stupid-ass love moment in a comment below (or send an email if you're a big pussy). I'll choose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims. On Tuesday. So think of something fast. Good luck!

*Oh, god, I did write a poem. Yes, a fucking poem. Worse, I gave it to the guy. Rather, I presented it to him somewhat ceremoniously like, "Behold this precious gift" (in my defense, I used to be quite a drinker). The shame of it still burns today. In fact, so preoccupied have I been with my own shame that it's only today--writing this--that I realize how horrible it must have been for the poor guy to have to receive the hideous poem. He had to read the frickin' poem--in front of me--and act like he was touched, or at least like he liked it. And that, my friends, would surely qualify him for top honors in Stupid-Ass Things Done for "Love".

Masturbation Devices, Anti and Pro. (Plus, the Guest Wanker Contest!)

I am thinking of masturbation this morning. Not in the sense of putting it on my morning "to do" list (although--what the hell--maybe I was, you don't need to know every damn thing), but in a more general sense. Specifically, how masturbation has spawned so many devices to deter the supposedly evil habit. (For other masturbatory writing--and no, I am not referring to this entire blog--see also: If You Can't Be With The One You Love).

My sinful train of thought was spurred by Stephenson Billings' The Anti-Masturbation Movement's 14 Greatest Inventions in ChristWire, the fake (I hope...) hard-core right-wing web site. The article details all kinds of dreadful devices used to stop people from touching themselves "down there." There were penis fans to keep one's member from undue warmth, full body suits to prevent lustful wandering hands, and alarm systems designed to alert parents to their children's nocturnal erections (not quite sure what the parent is supposed to do once alerted). Penis cages and trusses locked the guilty organ up or tied it down to physically prevent shameful erections. And when those didn't work, physical pain was employed. "The Timely Warning" (pictured) prevented "night emissions by arousing the wearer." "Arousing" is, at the very least, a curious choice of words. I guess it's an 1800s adman's best try at a positive spin on what would more accurately be described as: "being rudely awakened from your sweet dreams and pleasantly swelling erection by the sharp stab of a ring of metal teeth cutting into your wang."

It's strange that we would have developed such a virulent fear of self-love because throughout most of history, masturbation was considered natural, good, a sign of fertility and such. There are spurts of masturbation references throughout art, mythology and history. So accepted was the practice that nannies in 17th century Europe would masturbate young males who couldn't get to sleep(!) (Perhaps this is what people mean when they complain they can't get good help anymore. Carmen, the lady who used to clean my house before I became poor, never once even offered to give me a handjob. The bitch.)

In the 1700, it's like we all lost our minds and became dreadful prudes, enflamed by various influential pamphlets of the day detailing the hideous moral, religious and health problems caused by spanking one's monkey. In "A Solemn Appeal," Sister Ellen G. White lists a host of old-timey ails caused by "the practice" including the dreaded "dropsy." The alarmed Sister warns, "The mind is often utterly ruined, and insanity supervenes," which perhaps explains why I have been known to stare blankly when someone asks me my cell phone number.

At a certain point, anti-masturbation advocates sound less concerned with the moral health of our youth and more like completely insane sadists. Consider John Kellogg, the cereal guy, who claimed that the "solitary vice" caused a host of health problems, up to and including death. "Such a victim literally dies by his own hands," Kellogg wrote, perhaps chuckling to himself over his wit. I knew Kellogg was whack--I mean, the dude invented his own high-powered enema machine--but I didn't realize just how much of a nutter he was until I saw this in Wikipedia's History of Masturbation:

He recommended, to prevent children from this "solitary vice", bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut and electrical shock. He also recommended burning off the clitoris to prevent masturbation in girls.

As part of In Bed With Married Women's one blog campaign to counteract such nonsensery, our prize today is a pro-masturbation device--dropsy be dammed! The prize is a six-pack of Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeves from sex toy company, Good Vibrations.  Each egg contains a squishy, tube-shaped thing with a different texture--ribbed, vertical ripples, and whatnot. It's not as "arousing" as the metal spikes, perhaps, but it does reportedly give a nice sensation to a man. Wrote one dude in a Good Vibes user review:

Wet and squishy. Delicious. And wow, your cock looks really strange and really cool—like a failed, cloudy aspic—bulging and pulsing through the translucent elastomer and striated or spotted with the texture. Is it weird to get off on how your cock looks in one of these things? Probably but I don't care. 

Here's what you must do to win:
--Have a penis, or access to a penis.
--Be willing to write up a short description of your experience with the Tenga (either on yourself or using it on another) to share with the rest of class here at In Bed With Married Women. (Note: the phrase "failed, cloudy aspic" has already been taken.)
--Leave a comment below or drop us an email to indicate your willingness to do a public service wank. I'll pick a winner Monday.

Today's Contest is Somewhere in There...

I'm reading Melissa Febos' Whip Smart (not to be confused with Liz Phair's similarly brash and ballsy Whip-Smart), a memoir about a bright, nervous college student in New York who decides--what the hell!--to become a profession dominatrix in a Midtown dungeon. It's a hyperliterate exploration of all kinds of seediness, from the author's (possibly) secret heroin habit to the various elaborate--and often bathroom-related--fantasies that regular-looking dudes in New York pay $75 an hour to... enjoy. (Is "enjoy" the proper word for having someone pee on you? I am willing to entertain the possibility that I am missing out on something, but for me, contact with someone else's pee would lead directly to a frenzied Lady MacBethian scrubbing session with a big-ass bar of soap. Preferably caustic old-time soap, chockfull of banned chemicals and lye.)

To go with the whole S&Mish theme, today's contest prize was going to be a pair of handcuffy things for a reader to try. I was even going to make the winner report back on how it all worked out for them. But the best part was that the handcuff things were non-leather, vegan handcuffs. Yes, cruelty-free bondage gear. "I wish to torture someone cruelly, but want to make sure that no animals will be harmed."

Unfortunately for the part of my brain that really, really likes a tidy theme, In Bed With Married Women's sugar daddy/sex toy company Good Vibrations sold out of the cruelty free cuffs immediately. Thus the fare I offer you does not relate at all to the theme I spent SEVERAL minutes of time composing in my head while walking the dog, but that's just going to have to be okay.

To make up for it, today's prize, the Date Night Delight Kit, is full of all kinds of slide-y, sexy, vibrating stuff that will make you forget all about my precious tidy theme and urinating Manhattanites. That's right, if you win, you will be too busy babbling incoherently after enjoying this:

Waterproof Mini Bullet Vibrator

2 Please Lubricant Samples 

Ignite Me Massage Candle 

Touch Me Massage Oil 

Devour Me Lickable Oil 

Mini Rub Me Massage Bar

Hmmm....what should I make you do to win? Actually, no... fuck it, unless someone's handing me $75 an hour, I'm not making anyone do anything. To enter, just leave a comment below (or if you're a big wuss and/or don't want anyone to know of your excessive lickable oil usage, send me an email).  I'll pick a winner on Saturday. Okay, then. Run along now.

Guest Post: Sex With the Wife, A True Husband's Tale

Today I give you a post from Sex With the Wife, in which Mr. B chronicles his sex life (and the frequent lack thereof) with his wife. Here, let's let him explain:

This started as a place for me to bitch and moan about how awful my sex life is. A few months later my wife went into therapy for depression and messed up hormone levels, so this became a place for me to chronicle those problems. Now people have started to read the blog and I have found a whole community of guys who aren't having sex with their wives and still aren't cheating on them.  I guess I am just another guy frustrated at not having sex but is trying to be a man about it.

In "One Thing Leads to Another," Mr. B does manage to get lucky. What I like about this post is that it's about real married sex and from the guy's point of view, but also because Mr. B is so attuned to--and articulate on--the way his wife's body responds (or doesn't) to his ministrations.

Tuesday night was busy. The county fair is in town with all their death trap rides, and Tuesday was kids' wristbands night, where the rides are slightly cheaper than usual. I had a meeting in the evening, so my wife took all three kids to the fair. I met her there when my meeting was over, so she could take the three year old home and put her to bed. I stayed with the older two and let them go on rides until the fair shut down at 10pm. The whole family pretty much got to bed late and was groggy the next morning.
 
Wednesday was a good day of activity for me, although my wife needed a break. She was still in recovery mode from her traveling, so she took the morning off. In the afternoon she picked up her new work computer and spent the afternoon installing software on it and getting her files organized. I was working on various presentations and planning for the next school year. In the evening we were both unmotivated regarding dinner, so we went out for Mexican food. We dropped our oldest daughter off for a sleep-over and put the younger two to bed.

We were both tired, but I had complained to my wife that I always get an adrenaline surge when I get into bed with her. It doesn't matter how tired I am when I go to bed, as soon as I am in bed with her my hormones send a surge of energy through my veins. So when we got into bed, we chatted a little, and my wife asked me if I was tired or what. My response was that I could sleep if I had to, but I always have a different preference. So we opted for her to try reading her romance novel, while I spooned up next to her.
 
After a while I was just laying next to her trying to fall asleep, while enjoying having her close. Her vibrator was laying on my night stand, because I had finished recharging it the night before, so I got it out and just set it to its lowest speed and started using it on her gently. If she is reading her romantic literature, a little gentle stimulation is often welcome to help her get up to speed. But I was pretty sleepy, so mostly I just held it in place while lying next to her. I tried counting to fifty and then repositioning the bullet a little bit. I was just trying to be helpful until she took over with the vibrator.

She would shift her body every once in a while and rub her leg up against mine. I started using my other hand to stroke her leg gently. I traced the outline of her outer vaginal lips and teased her pubic hair. She wasn't really aroused, so I didn't want to push; I just wanted to maintain her interest. I was just trying to gently touch the skin, without getting into the sensitive inner lips, which don't respond as well to being touched before there is lubrication present. I can also judge the amount of blood flow to those lips by touch, which gives me a good judge of my wife's arousal level. They still felt rather limp and floppy, so I didn't want to go diving in where my fingers were unwelcome.

Once I notice a change in my wife's breathing along with more verbalization on her part, I decided to switch the setting on her vibrator from the lowest setting to the slow build. This is where the vibrator starts slow and builds up to the top speed over about 5 seconds and then repeats. My wife has mentioned how she enjoys this option for building arousal. I also repositioned myself more between her legs, so I could more effectively use both of my hands on touch her down there. I was kissing and licking her inner thigh while keeping the vibrator on her clitoral mound and using my other fingers to move her natural lubrication around. I was mostly trying to tease her and take it slow. My wife is pretty much lying on her back and reading (on her iPhone - so she can read in the dark) the whole time I am working on her.

I keep kissing closer to my wife's pubic hair and privates, but I really don't think that she wants oral sex tonight, so I am just working on building anticipation. I kiss one leg and then the other. I slide my tongue up and down her thigh. I keep expecting my wife to take over operating the vibrator, because usually I do a poor job of finding just the right spot. This time she is giving me enough feedback that I can get a sense of where she wants it. I am also working on moving it less and just letting it stay in one place for longer stretches of time.

My wife does make a decision to switch the setting on the vibrator from slow build to high gear. She leaves me in charge of the bullet, so I figure I must be doing something right. I keep getting closer and closer to kissing her directly on her kitty when I finally give in and start licking her down there. I always have a hard time balancing the vibrator with my tongue, because I want to lick where the vibrator is working. So I move the vibrator down low to the entrance while I lick and play with her clitoris. She is significantly aroused and responding to my touch. Her vag is open and ready for company, so I slide the bullet inside her canal. This brought a very favorable response from my love buddy as she felt those sensations on the inside. I continued to lick and taste her. Her natural lube was not as oily as when she is quite aroused, but adding my saliva to the mix certainly increased the slippery factor down there.

I had fun for quite a while licking and probing with my tongue, trying to be gentle and teasing and not forceful and invasive. At the same time I was keeping track of the bullet vibrator inside. I had a hold of it my the cord, but it was completely inside her. My wife switched off her book soon after the bullet when inside and was just taking in the sensations. I pulled the vibrator out from deep penetration and focused on the entry-way. These muscles seemed to be gripping tightly and responded to the push of the vibrator against them. Then I felt my wife's orgasm begin. I could feel the vaginal muscles contract around the bullet vibrator. I always enjoy feeling my wife's orgasms for myself. After a bit she pushed me away to let the orgasm proceed uninterrupted or distracted by my ministrations.

We hadn't removed any clothing during this whole process. Her night gown was still on, as were my pajamas. I stripped my clothes off and her top as well. She was incredibly relaxed and jelly-like. I suspect if I had let her she would have fallen asleep then and there. I laid on top of her and kissed her repeatedly (which is what I really enjoy most of all). Of course, between my erection and her lube I slid easily inside her. I pumped slowly in and out, trying to kiss her and experience her body. We switched to a lotus position, with me sitting cross-legged and her legs around my waist. This was a nice slow screw which I enjoyed. At the end I lay on my back with her atop, but I didn't last long in that position. I enjoyed being able to last longer than usual, because I hadn't really been receiving much stimulation until after her orgasm occurred.

She did seem quite pleased by the quality of the orgasm and how I had done pretty much all the work. She commented how I kept teasing her and teasing her until finally I got her off. I was pretty pleased with myself and how I was able to take my wife to the orgasm, even though she was tired and not especially excited about the idea at the start. I am really loving the sex now, but I think I need to give my wife a bit of a break for a bit. We have a romantic weekend planned next week, and I don't want her to be overwhelmed before we get there. I definitely want there to be some good sex there, so it would help if she had a little desire and wanting at that time.

In Bed's Feeling Oddly Tasteful Today

Yes, it's pretty unheard of around here, but this contest does NOT involve a prize that you will have to hide in your secret "grown-ups" drawer. (Although we all know your secret drawer is the one next to the bed. You're not fooling anyone.) The Fancy Me Kit, courtesy of groovy sex toy company, Good Vibrations, is chockful of non-embarrassing stuff like bubble bath, a candle that magically turns into massage oil, a massage bar that melts on contact with skin, lovely lotions and whatnot. (To see "whatnot" defined in more useful terms, click the picture below.)



To win you must be the first to post the word, "Mine" as a comment under the most recent post on the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page.

Is the prize worth several seconds of arduous clicking, you wonder? Well, as you can see, it's a $36 value. That's two digits, my friend. And an independent reviewer on the Good Vibes site wrote, "If you're looking for a little romance and passion in your relationship, you should look no further than this fun little kit." (Note: this particular reviewer goes by the name "Muscle Squirt" and is, thus, maybe not the best source on issues of romance.)

Let's see, what else?
1. If you're paranoid about getting a package that says "HERE'S YOUR SEXY TOY DELIVERY, YOUR BIG PERV" in big red letters on it, fear not. Good Vibes mailed something to me and it was in a totally normal looking package with a vaguely British sounding return address. I could have been receiving a scone delivery for all anyone needed to know.
2. If you want to just order the thing yourself, no muss, no fuss, just click on the link above.

Hey, Baby, I Treat You Right

Pssst, my kids are gone for a few more minutes so I only have time to fling this contest at you before I rush away, squealing my tires in my haste and setting the neighborhood dogs to barking. Here's the deal:  you can win the spiffy Girl's Night In Kit shown on the left.  I don't have time to tell you just what's in it, but since it's from Good Vibrations--our fave tree hugging, girl-power, San Francisco-based sex toy company--it's a good bet that it doesn't contain scrapbooking doodads. (To see what is in that intriguing little box, click this link.)

Here's what you have to do. Be the first person to tell me what one item in the kit is. You can either answer in a comment below (press the comment button to do so) or, if you don't want the whole world to know that you're vying for free stuff online, feel free to drop us an email.

Warning: This Friday Mail Bag Contains An Awkward Moment

Kim of Long Beach, winner of the Club Vibe from our favorite female-friendly sex toy company, Good Vibrations, was delighted to receive her new toy. "I got it!  I tried it!  I love it!!" she wrote.  (Quick back story for those who just got here:  The Club Vibe vibrates in response to sound and can be hooked up to a music player to pulse along with the beat or set to respond to ambient noise, such as the sound of "a lover's voice," night club music, or--I don't know--"The Price is Right."  So discreet is this darn thing that women are reportedly wearing it as they go on their daily errands. I might have suggested that if you saw Kim about town, you should assume that she too was wearing it and you should most definitely direct some comments in the direction of Kim's crotchal region (in a deep booming voice, natch) to get the thing going. I might have further suggested that you could go all out and do a whole Peter Frampton voice-box guitar solo thing ala Frampton Comes Alive!)

ANYHOW, dear Kim mentioned the directing-comments-below-the-belt notion in her status update on Facebook. That weekend she went to the Tijuana orphanage where she volunteers and, well, I'll let her explain: "People I really don't know very well started talking to my crotch." I sooooo hope she writes back to tell us all what, exactly, these semi-known people from a foreign land said to her, er, you know. (For more on the "you know," please see The Land Down Under post).  If you're looking to get a Club Vibe of your very own, click here.

In Bed Goes All Green (Hey, Turn Off That Light When You're Done With The Blog)

We're guessing your sex life is already pretty green. Hopefully you're not doing it while simultaneously eating excessively-packaged Lunchables, and we certainly hope you've traded up from your old-fashioned nuclear-powered vibrator.  But beyond the obvious ways of greening your sex life (i.e. take a shower together to save water, don't have 8 billion kids the Earth can't sustain, etc...), there are a few ways to push it further--way further:

There are companies that recycle sex toys, including the Sex Toy Recycling Program and Sex Toy Recycling.  The latter's site features this oddly heart-warming diagram of old, sad broken sex toys being transformed into a shiny new purple dildo. (Hooray!  The Island of Misfit Sex Toys is saved!)

I know, I know, sex toy recycling, gross.  But it's not like they're just hosing 'em off and putting them back on the shelves. They take the items to the lab where a (hopefully very highly paid) team of workers sorts through all the materials 

and sends them to the appropriate bins for grinding up to be made into shiny new sex toys and other things as well. Like, perhaps, that coffee cup you're drinking out of right now!  

The (unused) sex toy industry is also all over this green thing and has a host of greener products including vibrators with rechargeable batteries, organic lube, flavored vegan condoms, even bondage

We Have Our Winner!

"YIPPIE!!!!!" wrote Kim from Long Beach, CA, using 5 exclamation points to convey her joy upon learning she was the lucky winner of the Club Vibe from Good Vibrations. You may recall that the Club Vibe responds to sound and can be hooked up to a music player to pulse along with the beat. It can also be set up to vibrate in response to ambient noises, such as the sound of "a lover's voice," night club music, Bill Moyers on PBS...whatever does it for you.

You may also recall, as I most certainly do, that users were reporting that the Club Vibe is so discreet that they were wearing it everywhere, even to most assuredly unsexy destinations like the grocery store.

What I glean from all this is that we should all assume Kim from Long Beach could be wearing her new Club Vibe AT ANY TIME and we should all behave accordingly.  If you happen to see her about town, you might direct some lively comments to her crotchal region to get the device going.

Or if you really want to show her the love, feel free to perform a vocal guitar solo, talk box-style, ala Peter Frampton, circa Frampton Comes Alive! (one exclamation point) toward her nether regions. It's just plain good manners.

New Contest! Do your other blogs treat you this nice? I think not.

In this one, reader is pitted against reader in a gory mellee of previously dignified ladies fighting it out for a fabulous prize and the glory of winning an unmentionable prize.  Your task:  spread the word about In Bed With Married Women.   Your winnings, should you choose to accept this challenge: Your very own Club Vibe from Good Vibrations, the cool San Francisco, girl-friendly purveyors of sex toys.  

The Club Vibe (a $69 value, mind you--no cheap sex toys, for you, dear reader) is some sort of magical device that responds to sounds.  You can plug it into your MP3 player or iPhone and it pulses to the beat of the music. (I am actually kind of afraid of plugging it into my iPhone.  I already like my iPhone excessively and if it were satisfying me sexually as well, I might just run off with it to an Italian villa.) The Club Vibe also can be set to respond to ambient noise so, as the breathless ad copy suggests, you could "Let the sound of your lover's voice wash over you in waves of ecstasy." Hopefully your lover would get into the proper spirit of things and whisper sweet words of hotness, unlike me who would be compelled to pretend it was a microphone and say something horribly inappropriate such as "Clean up on Aisle 3!"  


Anyway, people seem to like this thing--a lot.  One highly pleased user wrote, "At the gym, the stationary bicycle became an exercise in desire. And nobody even wondered why I was sweating and gasping for air! Also, with the Club Vibe firmly clipped to my hip, the supermarket never seemed so sexy."  I don't know if I am pleased or disturbed to imagine that while I am idly scanning the cover of US Weekly, the other women in the supermarket line are secretly having intimate moments.  ("Honey, we need more bread..."  "I'll go!  I'll go!")


It could be you at the grocery store rocking out with your Club Vibe.  To win, you must gather the most new fans for Facebook's In Bed With Married Women page.  You have from now--right this second--until noon on Friday, April 16 (Pacific time).  If you are vehementally anti-Facebook, and that is certainly understandable, you can also send people directly to this blog, instructing them to let me know that you sent them (have them provide your e-mail address as well).


Btw, if you want to just skip all that work and just order the damn thing for yourself, click right here.

WAY Better Than Those Free Grocery Store Samples

Due to my corporate shillery for Good Vibrations sex toys, they have now made me an official "Product Reviewer."  This is probably not something I will put on my resume, but it does mean they send me lots of stuff for review.  And, as delightful as it would be to have an extra room festooned with various colored dildos and the like, I am willing to share the sex swag wealth with you, gentle reader.

Here's the deal, the first two people to respond will get one of the following products pictured below.  In return, you report back to us what you thought.  (Be truthful, don't be a big corporate kiss-up like me.) Now, Good Vibrations has all kinds of gyrating phallic things with buttons, multi-speeds and alarming-looking prongs, but we're gonna ease into all this.

First up for grabs is:

I Dare You--30 Sealed Seductions card game.  The cards are written by "sexpert" (and yes, it does pain me a little to use that word--thanks for asking) Susie Bright and contain activities for you and your partner to enjoy.  We are presuming that said activities are indeed seductive and not like, "Watch TV all night together while barely acknowledging each other's presence."

Green in bed

Despite my general distain for corporate America, I don't mind giving a shout-out* to venerable purveyor of sexual education, toys and general female-empowerment, GoodVibrations.

If you click this Good Vibrations link, you will see their welcome page featuring a photo of a nice young woman in a lovely field of wildflowers and the banner "Welcoming...Spring."  But you will probably not notice this.  What you will notice is the large, very yellow Spring silicon vibrator in the foreground of the photo.  "With Click n' Charge Magnetic Technology!" it reads.   I'm not quite sure what Click n' Charge Magnetic Technology is, but Good Vibrations is all into eco-friendly stuff like rechargeable batteries, natural ingredients and even vegan body balm, so it's probably something good.

If you're in the market for a festively yellow spring vibrator (which is actually mini-sized, it just looks all big in the picture), get yourself one right here.  I'm just trying to help you out here.  I think we all know that owning sex toys in passe winter colors is social suicide.

*In the fairness of full disclosure, In Bed gets a cut of your purchase.  In my opinion, that's all the more reason to order one right away.  But maybe that's just me.