Reviews of Stuff People Asked Me to Review

"How 'bout some strip Candy Land then?"

1.  The Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator sent to me unbidden by the nice new lady at Good Vibrations.

Here's what I can tell you:

--Don't have it arrive near your daughter's birthday so that she runs inside carrying the package saying, "Is it my birthday present?" (Intercepted this time, thus avoiding a repeat of The Zestra Incident.)
--Note that it doesn't come with the required two AAA batteries, so if you get a sudden yen to try it one night, you might find yourself naked in the kitchen, sifting through the junk drawer, searching for some batteries that do not have corrosion on them.

We're cousins, identical cousins

--Note also that non-corroded batteries do not necessarily = fresh peppy batteries. This leads to a situation in which the vibe is slowly dying, but imperceptibly.  So as you need more, it cruelly gives you less. You know the math concept in which you can keep halving a number infinitely, getting closer to--but never quite arriving at--zero? It's like that but with orgasm.
--New batteries, next day:  all good. Real good. V. quiet, inner knobby thing for G-spot gloriousness, outer butterfly-looking part for external butterfly love.
--Note, the final: I had a good look at the butterfly looking part as I was washing off the traces of our intimate love and, fuck, what's with the butterfly/sex toy trope? Who wants to have sex with a butterfly?  (Just googled it and the answer is...no one. IBWMW Minister of Kooky Schemes: add to list of possible topics for untapped erotica ebook market.) This butterfly looks particularly reminiscent of its caterpillar past, with antennae, beady little eyes and icky ridge things on its thorax. Wouldn't an abstract design be way hotter, and by hotter I mean, completely non-bug-related?


"Please fuck me, bzzzzz."

(Btw, I took the vibrator out to my front yard--the butterfly's natural habitat, I suppose--to get better light for full thorax exposure for the picture. THIS is how much I love you.) 

2. Bedded Bliss: A Couple's Guide to Lust Ever After by Kristina Wright.

Even when I was a kid sneaking peeks at sex articles in women's magazines, there was something unbearably depressing about the articles on "reigniting the spark." And today, this kind of stuff still triggers that same existential angst. I mean, playing strip Candy Land to spice it up? Has it really come to this?

However, I will toss kudos to Wright for an innovative spin on the genre, as well as an open-minded approach. Besides some depression-inducing sex tips ("Keep a jar of memories"), there are sections devoted to each stage of married life, i.e. middle age, with accompanying erotica. The best erotica, to me, were the stories that eroticized the continuing strong sexual reaction between a couple--the place of heat that two people can return to--as in "Take it off," by Sommer Marsden or ones that had some boundary-pushing like "Circuit" by Charlotte Stein. On the other hand, when a story pushed a boundary I didn't personally want pushed, well, ick.  That would be you, "Holding Forth," with the pee erotica. Sample line:  "'It must feel so good for her to let it flow,' Melanie observed sensuously, fondling my shaft with increased vigor."

Alas, I too now must pee, but I suspect it will be less eventful, as there is no shaft available for me to fondle with increased vigor.  However it ends up, I will keep it to myself. You don't get to know everything.

 

xoxo

jill 

 

(photo courtesy the ever-lovely Lady Cheeky)