The Most Unsexy Porn EVER

E.T. has needs too.

I will forever hold a tiny, unyielding grudge toward the reader who brought this to my attention. (And please know that I apologize in advance for bringing it to your attention. Abrasive cleanser to scour your eyes out will be provided upon request.) I am speaking of this...this...well, I'm just gonna say it-- E.T. porn.

The censored (thankfully) footage is from a real E.T. porn film. And, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but "E.T. porn" means E.T. is in the porn, like, having sex. I know! E. flippin' T! When I think of E.T., my next thought is generally not "...is so damn sexy!" but, apparently, that's not a unanimous reaction.

If you are too frightened to look at the movie--a highly reasonable position--I'll give you the lowdown. A female-ish E.T. goes about town making sweet sweet love with various friendly Earthlings. The surprisingly nonplussed townspeople getting down with E.T. appear to be from 1800s-era England. (The 1800s? Why the hell not? The whole thing is already weird enough--why not throw some Abraham Lincoln-looking guy in there as well?)

The E.T. costume is saggy and grey and looks to be made from a vinyl-like, highly unbreathable material. Throughout her sexcapades, E.T. wears a dazed, sad expression. Look at that haunted expression in her/its eyes in the photo--I would not describe it as arousal. As one commenter on sci fi site io9.com noted, "E.T. has this weary look, as though she has to do this on every planet she explores." 

It's difficult to imagine anything less erotic than this film. I mean, there's the whole involvement of E.T., which is bad enough, plus that creepy haunted facial expression, the baggy, wrinkled costume (with matching grey deflated boobs, no less), the 1800s setting--not to mention a hideously creepy tongue thing E.T. does (about :55 seconds in--oh God, it's so awful!) Am I saying it would be somehow less unsexy if the suit were tight like Catwoman's suit, if E.T. had perky boobs, or if E.T. looked to be enjoying her/itself? I guess not--actually, that would probably make it even more upsetting. (The very idea of E.T. doing the standard girl-in-a-porn dialogue of "Ohyeahohyeah" would send me to the fainting couch with my smelling salts.)

Still, my mind strays to unanswered questions: How infinitesimally small is the subset of people who find both E.T. and the 1800s arousing? How did the film makers present their creative ideas to the E.T. suit maker? ("I want it wrinkly and saggy--with boobs!") How did the actors react when the director gave them such pointers as, "In this scene, you will be wearing a top hat and going down on E.T."? And are these actors ever recognized in public for this piece of work? ("Hey, don't I know you from somewher--" "NO! YOU DON'T!)

Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry I was compelled to show this to you. Next time I hope to exhibit better taste. Although if you come up with someone even worse...please, send it my way.

xoxoxo
jill

Charles Marshall and his Impossibly Sexy Teddy Bear--New Twist in Their Epic Love Story

Um, can you just put down that I killed someone?

Here's late breaking news from my dear friend Tricia who--if she isn't careful--is venturing dangerously close to being named the IBWMW Minister of Phushophilia*: Charles Marshall Accussed of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For the Fourth Time.

Marshall, as shown in possibly the most embarrassing mug shot ever--was first arrested in 2010 for getting down with the bear in the men's restroom in a public library in Ohio. The judge in the case cruelly banned him from all Hamilton Country libraries.

After giving the matter much thought, Marshall apparently figured out the loophole in this punishment, choosing a teddy bear love nest that was....somewhere other than a Hamilton County library. His genius plan of wanking it in an alley was foiled when workers at a health clinic interrupted the hot bear sex spotted the offense.

So now poor Charles Marshall's mug shot is plastered all about, but I am wondering if the poor dude's getting a bad rap. After all, maybe the sex was consensual. Shouldn't a certain someone else be taking some of the blame?

I mean, Charles might not have been the only one who wanted this--and wanted it bad. Maybe, just maybe, little innocent dear Teddy is actually one hell of a fucking tease.

xoxox,
jill

*Love of stuffed animals. See also: I am going to fuck you so hard, Snuggle.

Indifferent Cats in Amateur Porn

A reader from Long Beach who (whom?*) I will refer to henceforth as the IBWMW West Coast Minister of Porn sent along this missive. "For your files," it read intriguingly, and included a link to...and this is the best part:

Indifferent Cats in Amateur Porn

It's a Tumblr blog which is, as the name strongly implies, dedicated to screen shots and/or clips from amateur porn featuring household cats pointedly disregarding the "action" with maddeningly catish indifference. To wit:

Behold my indifference.
 Or don't.
I'm a cat. I don't give a fuck.

But my favorite part of the whole thing was this astute observation from one commenter:

This website is absolutely awesome, especially since cats+porn = 99% of reasons why people go on the internet. I predict a huge success.

Word.

xoxox
jill


*IBWMW Minister of Grammar--please look into this matter.

Reader Book Recommendations (Day 2, for Advanced Students)

Damn, I love smart people.

Not only did you not find it odd that I got so brain-sparked by Sex at Dawn you came right back with, "Yeah, you liked that? Then read this." I love it when you're all bossy like that.

On the off-chance there are others out there who think reading a book about human mating habits is a fine way to pass an afternoon, I offer a list of book recommendations from readers, most of them inspired by the Sex at Dawn post. Happy reading! (Helpful hint: tuck book behind regular book like The Help to give appearance of being less pervy and/or nerdy).

[note: if you buy a book or two through the links here, Amazon will toss me a couple of pennies. But I'm not gonna tell you what to do.]

--mjs writes: I love Sex at Dawn and wish that it was required reading for teenagers along with Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies by Michael Bader, Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel, and Sex, Time, and Power: How Women's Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution and The Alphabet Versus the Goddess: The Conflict Between Word and Image by Leonard Shlain.

-- Anonymous: I really liked Sex at Dawn. It changed the way I view the world, and turned me into a skeptic overnight. The book is jam-packed with great stuff, and along with The Ethical Slut (Dossie Easton and Janet W. Harding) has really changed how I look at women's sexuality, from a male's perspective.

--Agrees Sarah:  Check out Robin Baker's Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict, and Other Bedroom Battles We want the security, therefore monogamy, but our bodies can override the tightly held ideal. Sometimes even thinking about "temptation" can scare the monogamous.

--Agrees afungi:  Sperm Wars is a better book imho, as it looks at modern human physiology to draw conclusions about human sexual programming. For instance, most sperm can't fertilize an egg, and in fact is there only to kill the sperm of other men.

--rederekp:  The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and Infidelity in Animals and People (David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton).

--Ninja Mike and someone called weeeeeeearggggh both recommend the work of Geoffrey Miller, specifically The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature

--JLW:  The Evolution Of Desire  by David Buss is another good read on this topic.

Plus 2 others in a similar vein:

--Jerry T: My wife and I found a book that talked about the uniqueness of each female and male genital anatomy and how the appearance described the personality of the man or woman, The Sexual Practices of Quodoushka: Teachings from the Nagual Tradition by Amara Charles. 

--IBWMW Minister of Science: I'm a big fan of Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation: The Definitive Guide to the Evolutionary Biology of Sexby Olivia Judson and Why We Do It: Rethinking Sex and the Selfish Gene by Niles Eldredge. Both are a tad more science-y (OK, a lot more - anything authored by someone named Niles just screams nerdy) than the ones you have, but what do you expect from the IBWMW Minister of Science?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find some books.

xoxo
jill

Coming next:  Insistent throbbing arousal pressing against our sweet swollen wetness, aka Reader Recommended Smut! There's still time to suggest your favorite.*

*Unless it's one of those Harlequin Romances about having a secret baby with a billionaire. Because I read one, okay two, of those the other week and they were--as pretty much anyone with a testable level of intelligence could have told me beforehand--really really bad. If I hadn't been so busy furtively hiding them under The Vagina Monologues (which was actually my least embarrassing library selection that day), I would have seen that they had "Billionaire and Babies" scrolled across their covers in telltale pukey Kotex box-style font. So it was my old damn fault. Also my fault that I had to read both of them to definitively--like 100%--determine their badness.

(photo source)

Dawn: On Lesbian Bed Death and Lexapro Sex

An email exchange on Lesbian Bed Death with Dawn, who is, indeed, a lesbian. Please, no flash photography.

Dawn: So, I've been irked by the Kurt comment on Glee! about lesbian bed death. [IBWMW: In the scene of which she speaks, Kurt worries that he and Blaine are becoming too familiar with each other (including 'familiar' in the sense of 'family-like') and might be suffering from lesbian bed death.]

Here are some thoughts:
 
I don't remember the last time Lyn and I had sex, but it definitely isn't because I think of Lyn as "a sister" (or a sista' either for that matter), which is how Kurt described it to Rachel. Frankly, I think it is that we are just both exhausted. I guess all couples probably are, so what makes us "special" I don't know. We should be all over it, I suppose, with no risk of an "oops" baby. And we have so much more disposable income to go out on dates not having to pay for birth control. Except we both only make 70 cents on the dollar if Rachel Maddow is to believed - and she is - so crap, there goes that theory. Maybe two vaginas* (today's secret word) is too much subconscious ugly for one room? Perhaps we are still subject to being conditioned not to be sexually assertive so neither of us makes the first move? One of us (OK, me) being on Lexapro doesn't help since that cuts the potential drive by half, or a quarter, or something - math isn't my strong suit so we'll just say diminished. Or is this something that happens to many married couples, but since it is two women, one of the pair can't blame the other for "holding out" and using sex to manipulate? So, they came up with this label. Probably to scare people away from lesbian relationships. "Sure you may double your wardrobe if you choose a partner wisely, but you will die a horrible bed death." I think that's it.

OK, creative juice depleted. Entering refractory period.
TTYL

* You use this "*" thing all the time, so I wanted to use it too. How fun! OK, focus. Spell check doesn't like vaginas. Its first recommendation is singular "vagina" - so I think it is probably homophobic. Except that penises is somehow OK, so they are women haters. "Vaginae" does make the suggestion list - but that reminds me of alumnae, which makes me think we are all graduates. In a way we are, I suppose, of the vaginae of mothers everywhere. What does it take to graduate summa cum laude? Get an APGAR score of 10?

In Bed With Married Women: So to clarify, you are irked because everyone has bed death and it unfairly makes it look like a lesbian thing? Yes?

Btw, I too am on Lexapro and although the negative sexual effect (in my case, more difficult to come, TMI of all times) appear to be lessening (oh, please let it be!) my shrink once advised that you can take drug holiday over the weekend if you decide you want to get it on. Not sure how long you can be off safety and to get results. If one of us is brave enough to do it, let's report back on our results. Because that's the scientific thing to do. [Note: Readers? Any of you tried this? Oh, c'mon, surely you aren't all happy and well-adjusted, like, naturally...]

Dawn: I think I'm irked because this may have been the first time a lot of people have heard of LBD and now think that lesbian relationships are even more weird than they thought. Interestingly, Lyn and I have been out places and have been asked if we are sisters. We don't look much alike, really, but I think people must pick up on a degree of closeness beyond friends, so they guess sisters because thinking about two women in bed together bothers them. Guys *say* they like to think about it, but they really mean 2 straight porn stars with breast enhancements and shaved cunts, not the real deal. Watch some lesbian porn for lesbians sometime - the comparison is comical. Anyway, the sister comparison makes the sex part go away, like some soothing ointment for an oversexed imagination or something. Who the fuck knows, but I don't like it. So there.

For the Lexapro, I can only go about a day and a half and I'm off my titer. I get nauseous and dizzy, and not in a cute school-girl way, both coming off and going back on. Not so great for setting the mood. I do have a similar side effect to what you describe, but it isn't too bad since it has throttled back my drive to nearly nothing. The up shot is that Lyn and I used to have a lot of conflict about our different drives, so now it is all harmonious. Harmonious like, like, I don't know, sisters?

(photo: Giulio Aristide Sartorio - Nus Féminins, n.d.) 

"Shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina," aka the Misguided Googlers' Quarterly Report

A German variation on Pesäpallo 

In preparation for the IBWMW International Summit in Helsinki, in which we will discuss Important Matters over plates of Karelian pasty (karjalanpiirakka)--a traditional Finnish dish made from a thin rye crust with a filling of rice and topped with munavoi--I am creating a presentation tentatively titled Trends in Misguided Googlers®.

As we saw earlier this week, the IBWMW Ministers of Science, Grammar and Homographs are a prickly bunch (so far, thankfully, the Minister of Technology is staying neutral) so I want to make sure I don't unduly rile anyone up. Plus the stockholders are, well, let's just say they are beyond pissed off at the blog's financial statements.

There's a lot at stake and to be honest, I'm getting kind of wigged out. So mind if I run it by you first?

Good, then, here goes:

*Clanking of spoon on glass filled with Salmiakkikossu, a drink made by dissolving salty-licorice in strong spirits resulting in "an intense black liquid with a stingy smell that tastes like old fashioned cough syrup." I will only pretend to drink said "stingy" drink in order to appear polite to our Finnish liaison, Jaakko.*

"Assembled IBWMW Ministers, welcome. My remarks will be brief today as I have been advised of the Minister of Science's afternoon session of Pesäpallo, the national sport of Finland, which is a baseball-like game similar to brännboll, rounders, and lapta.

I've been reviewing the list of search terms used by Misguided Googlers®. My findings may interest you. Besides the usual items, your penices and veginas,  the seemingly endless variety of endings to the phrase married women like to fuck..., and the multitude of boob descriptions (i.e. matronly, sagging, pointy, perky, jutting, disappointing), I've identified several less obvious trends. I say we exploit the fuck out of  find ways to serve these underserved markets. Perhaps we can direct our outreach efforts to the following users:

1.  People with passion: These are the Googlers that don't just drearily type in their search terms, they infuse them with passion! This expressive group dynamically searches for things like sex in bed yeah ass and titys, ooooh, vibrating cock ring oh yeah, oh little dick, and wow! boys wanking. These on-the-go, high-achievers are a natural market for Kindle subscriptions to IBWMW.

2. People who treat Google as genie/slave: This practical group says--nay, demands--exactly what they need. Their on-point, direct searches include: Let's see some older women getting fucking and I need to see women being fucked with gridle on. (A sidenote: I'm pretty sure that last searcher meant "girdle," but I have our Finnish intern Kyllikki researching that to make sure.) This demanding group knows what it wants. They want service and they want it fast. I recommend we push the Good Vibrations merch on them, hard.

3.  Needs more research: Despite international cooperation, no one can decipher what these potential customers actually want. Terms include: miraculous bra groping me, on March 8 big boobs and penis on the cult, and anus looking. Oh, there's a change on your handouts: Kyllikki has just informed me that her research indicates that pictures of sewiest womens pussy may contain a typo.

4. Way too fucking specific. Butt shot with pink panties in a bed with a white headboard, a horse with no name fucks women, floppy foreskin, feather duster in the butt, stuffed animal teddy bear bondage, girl masturbating with a spatula, woman masturbating with candy, woman touching balloons, nice cow looking tits on a woman, and finally underwear with inflatable pads and genital enhancements and hidden pickets and hidden pouches and patents. I think we can appeal to this demographic directly. When I get back to the States, I will prepare posts on anonymous horse sex, nice cow looking tits, and whatever the fuck that wordy underwear weirdo is talking about. We'll appeal to them in their "sweet spots"--then bam!--make the sale.

5.  Easily pleased. Searches include: Boobage, good vagina, and porn regular. These simple folk don't need flippin' pink panties and white headboards, they're perfectly happy with 1 pic of penis in vagina. Let's hit these folks up for a straight donation. They are cheery, angst-free folks who are happy to contribute.

6.  Way too upsetting. Hansel and Gretel + naked, yak and woman fuking (so far no interest indicated for yak and woman macking lov) and smelling Grandma's vagina. Here we run into legal as well as aesthetic ramifications. I say we leave these folks alone.

7. Oddly poetic/Things I wish I had posted about: fascinating boobs, a smart and fabulous fucking experience, and my very favorite, shocking (fine) details of a gentle vagina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going for my afternoon sauna to contemplate precisely how handy one would have to be to come up with a DIY homemade inflatable sex doll that wasn't completely and wretchedly unfuckable."

xoxoxo and Näkemiin
jill

photo source