tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post5062168878424481517..comments2024-03-21T18:26:23.834-07:00Comments on In Bed With Married Women: Real Sex Lives: "Having no intimacy with her for 23 years is killing me."Jill Hamiltonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14989469118118455602noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-35154997438940353642015-06-22T07:54:10.821-07:002015-06-22T07:54:10.821-07:00I am a 76 year old male - married 52 years to the ...I am a 76 year old male - married 52 years to the same woman. Before marriage we were sexually active and life was good. After<br />marriage our sex life took a slow dive downwards. Her period weeks, with pms, was Hell. She refused to get medical treatment<br />for the pms. Then 7 years into my marriage she decided to have a secret affair with my business partner. Our sex life virtually<br />ceased and she started to ridicule me as a man.<br />I had badly wanted to end our relationship but we had 2 young daughters that I worshipped. Her secret affair continued for at least<br />4 years. She even left our hotel bed, on a out of town trip, so she could go to his hotel room.<br />Whenever I returned from a business trip, she would be angry with me. Her anger is something I will never understand. One thing I<br />have not mentioned is my wife had a very ugly face. Her body was very sexy but her face was not attractive. I think I married her<br />because she gave me blowjobs in public places before we married.<br />I am nearing the end of my life and I am extremely angry with myself. I thought she would come back to me but she never has.<br />I would tell the younger guys, if they face a similar situation, to leave the marriage asap.<br />Chucksnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-21809951841610989982013-12-24T16:53:07.913-08:002013-12-24T16:53:07.913-08:00Anonymous, thanks for the compassion for this fell...Anonymous, thanks for the compassion for this fellow. I hope he reads it and feels it. And good luck to you too in your situation. I would ask you to write about it--very cathartic!-- but uh, well, see above. in bed with married womenhttp://www.inbedwithmarriedwomen.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-11732526305617165172013-12-24T15:42:16.976-08:002013-12-24T15:42:16.976-08:00I am a male who just turned 46, and my heart goes ...I am a male who just turned 46, and my heart goes out to this guy. And I would urge him not to read the extremely harsh comments penned by people who have clearly never dealt with his demons.<br /><br />As someone who is experiencing a lot of similar situations, I would say that he is not just venting or 'wearing a hair shirt' (always nice when you can reduce a fellow human's pain into a callous one-liner. Nice). This is likely the one and only time he has ever been completely honest and open with his feelings with ANYONE. Give him a freaking break if he wallows in self-pity for one post. Seems to me that he's entitled, especially when Jill has been kind enough to offer him a non-judgemental platform to express himself.<br /><br />This guy is a man who is devoted to his marriage and refuses to cheat; a dedicated father to children with real problems; an overweight middle-aged guy who feels invisible and overwhelmed by self-doubt; a man whose sex life is over, just when he feels more experienced and self-confident and ready to enjoy it; a caring man whose wife has totally shut him out. And all you want to do is rag his ass for being honest?<br /><br />That's unfair, not constructive, and just wrong. Think about how many women's blogs out there slam men for being uncaring assholes while this guy has undoubtedly been feeling like a total loser, alone with his misery. And then maybe cut him a little slack, okay?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-53398302623410414162013-10-11T20:07:23.403-07:002013-10-11T20:07:23.403-07:00Hi Jill - I'm not sure whether you pass these ...Hi Jill - I'm not sure whether you pass these notes back to posters (or whether it would be more appropriate to post this directly on your site), but (1.) really really good physical therapists can do a lot with vulvodynia, (2.) valium compounded in vaginal suppositories (~5-10 mg) can help along with the physical therapy to break the vicious cycle of muscle tension and nerve sensitization that makes this so miserable, and (3.) there are ongoing studies (e.g. at the hospital for special surgery in New York see p. 29 here: http://webdoc.nyumc.org/nyumc/files/obgyn/attachments/2009_bky_booklet.pdf) on the relationship between "unprovoked vulvodynia" and mechanical hip problems.<br /><br />In other words, although it's hard to say how open the people in this case might be to intervention (and so much of the intervention is so demoralizing), these may be hope of finding ways to heal chronic pain. (I just had hip surgery after 10 years of immense pain that turned out to be pretty much totally fixable by surgery to correct a labral tear and bony impingement in my hip -- that pain almost entirely manifested as the feeling of stabbing ice picks up various parts of my crotch, so not exactly making it easy to figure out it was a problem in the hip.) Anyways, I realize this particular thing may not be the solution for everyone, but a LOT of research later, the combination of PT (including relaxation training) and localized muscle relaxants appears to be helping the majority of the people who reported improvement in various scary internet message boards as well as the case histories of PTs (who'd managed to keep people away from nerve surgeries).<br /><br />I find it only to easy to imagine how somebody could become a hollow shell with that many years of that kind of pain, and having been there for the last 10 myself, I had to share this.<br /><br />It's really an unimaginably horrible feeling to have your pelvic nerves go crazy (and people are NOT good at talking about this stuff, so if someone like this woman was kind of prudish to start with, it would just be a hell of non-inquiry and non-fixing! intolerable!!) So fucking 19th century, boo.Valentinenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-52805345758646617962013-09-24T12:37:03.956-07:002013-09-24T12:37:03.956-07:00Sorry, Jill! I had too much free time in the waiti...Sorry, Jill! I had too much free time in the waiting room. My comment should be broken into chapters. :)Kestrelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-82748494405252068472013-09-24T12:35:22.144-07:002013-09-24T12:35:22.144-07:00Sorry to join in so late but....
Wow. Does he take...Sorry to join in so late but....<br />Wow. Does he take his hair shirt off to shower? <br />Seriously, guy. I don't think she loves you. Love, you see, is that beautiful miserable pain that keeps you all locked up ...and giving one person the key. <br />She not only lied to you about how awful your first time was, shenthen compounded it for however many times afterwards before she came clean. She should have said "I have an issue with having sex that is so difficult and painful that I am not going to have penetrative sex any longer. Do you want a blowjob or a handjob?"<br />OR she should've said "the pain that sex brings me is such that I don't want to have any part in a sexual relationship with you or anyone ever again. You may discretely find a decent, healthy sex worker and get relief there but here are the boundaries I need..."<br />IF she cared for you as much as a fraction of the obsession you do for her then there would be SOME solution that didn't involve you being twisted and contorted into a non-sexual being form. She would love you enough to HELP FIX the awful problem no one asked for. But she isn't. She's so self-centered, in fact, that she's not only denying you a healthy marriage benefit, she's denying you the ability to engage in any act whatsoever that would bring you closer. She is making you suffer from the ailment she possesses. <br />1. You need therapy. With her and preferably with a sex-positive therapist. No "good spouses do whatever they can to make the other person happy - as long as it isn't her and it isn't about sex."<br />2. You need to acknowledge that you love her (personally, I think you don't even see her as she really is but rather the beleaguered woman who suffers countless tragedies and how could you add your own pain to her lengthy laundry list of issues?) but that she is NOT treating you with love in return. Every word of your article screams how she makes you feel small and nagging and controlled by your penis like an 18 year old boy.<br />3. The conversation doesn't stop at "NO MORE." That's where it begins.<br />4. Your children already know it. Because of those lovey dovey chemicals, couples The Morning After are chipper, snuggly, smoochy, in love and relaxed. You are showing them that they (just like you!) put up with whatever the situation is and don't demand more than the crumb you are worthy of - or more than the scrap she throws at you by way of NOT being a bitch. You've primed the pump for your kids to view their own happiness as coming after that of anyone else in the family tree. They might not love their partners as much as you do but it doesn't matter. Marriage is the stereotype we all see: no-sex parents, someone doing housework begrudgingly while someone works for cash miserably.<br />5. You're going to die with an unloved dick, sore palms and empty heart.<br />Go. Leave. Get help. Don't just lay down and let Her and Her Issues be better than You and Your Just as Valuable Needs.Kestrelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-87788144852985801832013-09-11T20:02:21.071-07:002013-09-11T20:02:21.071-07:00As a writer of one of these tales I have found the...As a writer of one of these tales I have found the comments a bit harsh people! And what a horrible situation for both partners.<br /><br />I find sex vital to life. I have nothing but sympathy for anyone who feels the same and lives without it. So I feel that for our writer. I also feel it for his wife. To me, it is clear that she would actually want sex if she were able to achieve it, because she has tried and she is depressed and disappointed that it has not worked for her. Awful as it is for our writer to live without sex, he COULD chose to have sex - she doesn't even have that option. But my sympathy still extends to him because he cannot have the sex he wants - sex with the woman he loves.<br /><br />On one point I do agree with other comments - something must be done. The real problem is that this is no longer just a sexless marriage - the emotional intimacy isn't there anymore either. It is possible to have a sexless marriage that does have intimacy, even for those of us who find sex so necessary. But not by martyring oneself to the situation, only by dealing with it... somehow.duskynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-40526038401208561182013-08-19T08:23:53.161-07:002013-08-19T08:23:53.161-07:00I could have written that essay.
Married nearly a...I could have written that essay.<br /><br />Married nearly a decade and a half to the mother of my kids, and we haven't had sex now for 10 years. (Kids were IVF).<br /><br />I still love my wife. Intellectually we share so many things. But there is no sex....no intimacy. We barely kiss anymore. She simply has no interest in sex. None.<br /><br />Emotionally, I don't think I could cheat on her. But I'm 48, and I never expected sex to be gone by 40. And as the essayist wrote, it's not about the score, it's not about the number of times, all those 20-something measures of sex...it's about the connection, the intimacy, the need to be needed and desired.<br /><br />My self-esteem is shot. Yes, I'm in therapy. Have been for years now. And on antidepressants.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-5140417851909263492013-08-16T15:07:13.764-07:002013-08-16T15:07:13.764-07:00I have to be honest and say that this is a way bet...I have to be honest and say that this is a way better guy than me and I don't think I'm really that qualified to give advice. But I don't think that intercourse is the end all be all of sexuality. People smarter than myself have written at length about that. If you really want to stay in that situation I think you should explore those options and certainly what has been said again and again, therapy. But if I were you I would have left years and years ago.Elliot MacLeod-Michaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03101422996950773526noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-82870298177034225192013-08-08T15:13:07.494-07:002013-08-08T15:13:07.494-07:00Dear T - No, it may not be possible to keep romanc...Dear T - No, it may not be possible to keep romance hot forever. But when two people are really committed to each other - and that means to each other's erotic pleasure and satisfaction, as a necessary part of their overall emotional wellbeing - it can be often hot and regularly pleasurable. Yes, it takes more work. More daring. More exposing of oneself - one's fantasies and fetishes - to someone else, but it is possible. I am sorry you and the writer of this have given up.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-28247608981867258432013-08-08T10:43:45.641-07:002013-08-08T10:43:45.641-07:00The guy has fully vented and in so doing he has co...The guy has fully vented and in so doing he has come upon several ways to try to save his marriage. <br />One by one he argues against taking any of those ways of dealing with it, and thus he walls himself into the corner he has made by fetish-izing his devotion to wifey despite no reciprocity. <br />In my own (>30 yr) marriage, I, too, have some mismatched intimacy issues & made similar mistakes. <br />I tried several ways of dealing with the issue (and gotten in trouble by having an affair in one case.) <br />Since the wreckage of my affair has been cleared away, the answer seems to be to be able to seek variety in erotic art with women who do this for a living. <br />I restored my ego at a life success seminar, and now I take full responsibility for my lifestyle. Other people may judge me, I do not care. <br />Like the previous writer, I recognize that this life of ours is not a rehearsal:...this is all we get. (sorry I no longer believe in heaven). <br />The time I spend in the arms of a beautiful woman, even if only for an hour now and then keeps me going as a replacement for the genuine article. It was great while it lasted, though. <br />Now past 60, It almost seems like "forever" is too high of a goal for two regular people to keep a fire of romance hot. <br />The universe knows I tried.<br />T Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-84525847086387726722013-08-06T17:08:52.246-07:002013-08-06T17:08:52.246-07:00What everyone said. Mostly, he needs to go into th...What everyone said. Mostly, he needs to go into therapy and then see if he can get his wife to go. She's full of anger? Maybe therapy can help her with it. I'm so willing to bet that the anger is what is behind her medical condition - making her clench up, denying them both pleasure. And, yeah, maybe the marriage wouldn't survive. But better to know. Because, you know, intercourse isn't the end all and be all of sex. If they can find a way back to loving each other (if she ever did), I can think of some dandy ways she can reciprocate his attentions without penetration. But first, I really REALLY hope Mr. Husband here gets himself some help. He's got a lot to sort out, and I hope he does it.<br /><br />And as for re-entering the dating pool? I can think of two friends, right off the bat, who are cool, attractive women (one single, one divorced) who would love love love a sexual relationship -- more if it happens, but a kind playmate -- who fall right into your age range. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-5090706402860359862013-08-05T08:00:37.288-07:002013-08-05T08:00:37.288-07:00He doesn't seem to be interested in 40-somethi...He doesn't seem to be interested in 40-something women, given his disbelief that 20-something women might not want his sexual attentions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-71687545496927441702013-08-04T12:57:50.942-07:002013-08-04T12:57:50.942-07:00I gather that he's in his late 40s...his anxie...I gather that he's in his late 40s...his anxieties about trying to find a mate via online dating (or other channels) seem to me completely misplaced. Unless he's really really let himself go, or he lives in rural Wyoming, he will find plenty of attractive 40-something women to date. Including some who will have the experience of staying in a dead marriage too long in common with him. Children do complicate things, and I don't know how old his youngest is, but he will have another shot at love and good sex, if he wants it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-666040582231967842013-08-04T09:05:22.394-07:002013-08-04T09:05:22.394-07:00Everything the first commenter said. EVERYTHING. A...Everything the first commenter said. EVERYTHING. And Jill, I realize that you want to keep things positive here, but part of the reason this man wrote in, I'm guessing is not only to vent but to invite different perspectives/views on the situation. This is a sad, tragic situation, but he has to claim his part in creating it. He is being mistreated and taken for granted because he's allowing it. If readers can help him see he has power he's not using, that's progress.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-60870759987124025212013-08-03T20:03:22.523-07:002013-08-03T20:03:22.523-07:00Ouch, that one got me right in the feelings.Ouch, that one got me right in the feelings.Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicroushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18226603919012169939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-28366527976866400352013-08-03T15:00:08.979-07:002013-08-03T15:00:08.979-07:00I just saw how harsh that sounds, and I do feel ba...I just saw how harsh that sounds, and I do feel bad for the guy. Writing this takes some courage and I'm sure there are others in his same situation who will take comfort in the fact that they are not alone.<br /><br />But ... the situation described in this beautifully written piece is not psychologically healthy for either party. <br /><br />Where's the happiness in any of this? It's not "love" if there is no happiness. <br /><br />A good therapist can help sort all of this out, and help him (and her if she likes) find their individual paths to happiness while maintaining their commitments to support each other and their children. <br /><br />Jimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-49950028063253247332013-08-03T14:54:01.166-07:002013-08-03T14:54:01.166-07:00It's a sad story, but my reaction is that if t...It's a sad story, but my reaction is that if the writer isn't seeing a psychotherapist, he should be. If this is "killing him" and he's a "fix it" guy, then he should go fix himself. And news flash ... he can't fix her, only she can. <br /><br />I also agree with Anonymous ... romanticizing pain isn't a positive thing. It doesn't make him a hero. It just makes him a guy who seems comfortable with the familiarity of his pain and in some ways is trying to celebrate it. <br /><br />We only get one shot at life and we're all responsible for our own happiness. Jimnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-54085101809937846562013-08-03T14:05:41.834-07:002013-08-03T14:05:41.834-07:00Hey-I was the previous commenter. Been a longtime ...Hey-I was the previous commenter. Been a longtime reader and fan. In online dealings in general I long ago learned to focus on the positive and keep negativity off the page but this just.. pushed my buttons this morning. I really do wish him well and some positive outcome of facing all this, (maybe seeing it in print helps). <br /><br />I do understand if you remove the previous comment. Maybe it isn't the appropriate place for it. Sorry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-79864757696038365282013-08-03T13:22:37.289-07:002013-08-03T13:22:37.289-07:00To all the newcomers stopping in today: the genera...To all the newcomers stopping in today: the general rule w these is that there's no judging/reprimanding with these. It's brave and hard to write these so everyone gets some slack. Happy happy lalalala. Jill Hamiltonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14989469118118455602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4339155460200866959.post-22168631040378607552013-08-03T12:57:50.163-07:002013-08-03T12:57:50.163-07:00The situation the reader described had my genuine ...The situation the reader described had my genuine sympathy at first. However, by the end of it I was irritated, shrugging and saying like the wife, "I got nothing for you". <br /><br />You are romanticizing your pain and making it clear there is nor will there be any compromise, no workable solution on any level. Though that may be true painful fact between the two of you, you still have options. You won't take them. You have given her all your power. Btw-this is coming from someone-a woman-who is a proud-feminist,not some male reactionary "misandry" ranting nutjob. <br /><br />Almighty She with the capitalized pronoun (like a "goddess" you claim or the way some power playing couples would refer to the domme or master) unilaterally chose permanent celibacy for both of you is not a fair nor reasonable demand. Yet you allow it. <br /><br />Although I sympathise with her medical condition, the fact she will not work around other kinds of sexual connection, not care about your physical (with her or from another source) AND emotional needs is a breach of her vows to you. You don't state a plan, a hope. I understand just...venting sometimes. I get it, but it comes off in this letter that you are forever trapped in this hell--but don't you see that you, YOU stacked (pre-emptively it looks like in anticipation of suggested paths to some solution) chairs up against every exit. <br /><br />In addition to the medical issues maybe she's also asexual. Maybe she grew up with some previous physical or emotional trauma related to sexuality. Maybe she's not that into you, nor was for a long time but was brought up that divorce isn't an option. Maybe she's an emotional sadist. Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's shut down because she's with someone who someone who has no backbone and therefore someone she can't respect but is just as fearful of the unknown as you. Maybe some toxic cocktail of all of it. <br /><br /><br />What are YOU going to do with the situation, where are YOUR boundaries and expectations and standards as a partner here? Your repeated statement: none. She's a goddess, I can't step away on any level, I can't stand up for my self. I'm not worthy. I'm in pain, so much pain. I got nothing for me, here.<br /><br />Another thought, just putting it out there: The continued description of a partner that is so "hot" who has a 20 year history of being emotionally rejecting, sexually rejecting, yet domineering reads a bit like cuckhold fetish stories where the heat and core of the fantasy is (usually the male) always being deprived, sometimes for years. Sometimes they have the added thrill of sexual humiliation of having to declare or demonstrate it to a group. So, hey- maybe you are getting something out of all this. <br /><br />People can get cosy in their hells. They get the drama of an occasionally adrenalin pumped vent of their exquisite emotional pain than face the fear of so many things that are a part of being alive. A real connection to others...(sexual or emotional), risking failure in doing something they love, or heck-risking SUCCESS in doing something they love. <br /><br />I knew a creative woman in an abusive relationship whose therapist warned her at a painful crossroads with her emotional hot/cold and conflict driven boyfriend (he squashed and discouraged all her considerable artistic talents on every level, even as a hobby-which perhaps in some ways paralleled her fears about pursuing it with more intent): Don't have a baby with this man. You will be bound for life to just more of this. On that, she immediately ceased her hormonal birth control and was pregnant soon after.<br /><br />Bound by fear and numbness was a handy out for not facing other challenges in her life.<br /><br />How about you? <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com