Tuesday, February 17, 2015

I am the Noodle King. I can do anything.

I am so supposed to be doing other things, but in the course of doing said things, I came upon this.  And of course--of course--I thought of you.

Behold the Noodle King!

Yes. I know!

This Fleshlighty fuck hole not only looks like it comes from those really really deep ocean backwaters where all the fish are blind, but it also comes with this excellent back story from Jlist.com, a Japanese sex toy site where, objectively, I probably spend too much time. Anyway:

In the days when onaholes weren't invented yet, Japanese men came up with some innovative methods to create a male toy from household objects. One particular innovation was a makeshift stress toy made from a cup of warm noodles. This onahole could be created by pouring hot water in the cup noodle, wait until it was warm and soft, then remove the water and then use it as a onahole. This modern version, using more sanitary material, simulates that original feeling of using a cup of noodles for stress relief, without wasting food. 

So yeah, ha ha ha. Cup O' Noodles fucking, excellent history lesson, no food wasting--all good, 'til I got to this photo:

Not only is this hand model being, to my taste, way too rough in their Love, and that stream of goo is a bit disconcerting, but what the fuck is wrong with this person's nails? Are those jewels or some horrible nail fungus? I was hoping for the jewel option. After all, these are the hands of a hand model, a job in which the one and only requirement is that your hands look decent.

But further study gave sad credence to my fungus theory:

Note: horrible nail!

A part of me feels sorry for this poor onahole being so crudely manhandled by this possibly-diseased person. And at this point I care not about the charming ramen-fucking story and the rest of it, I am lost down a worm hole of ick.  The only thing that can pull me out is remembering happier times--myself 30 minutes ago when I first arrived on jlist and discovered the Zhang Xiao Yu onahole.

Not only is it apparently "great for 'anatomy lessons'"--which, by the way, the Noodle King is *not* so great for--but the Zhang Xiao Yu is subtitled with "The Dignity of Great Pussy." Which is awesome.

"The Dignity of Great Pussy" is going to be my mantra/guiding principle today. Feel free to do the same.



Anonymous said...

You are looking at some grade a garu nail art. I know Japan has a reputation for weird, cute, and cool, but sadly large swaths of the population have really tacky taste. Jewels and lots of tanning/bronzer not fungus. Probably a distant cousin of the right wing nut jobs that manage all the roadside porn booths in my area of Japan.

in bed with married women said...

Oh, anonymous, i am so relieved/pleased to hear this. Also that you are there in Japan reading the blog. sometimes technology blows my fucking mind. still!

Anonymous said...

The website for the Zhang Xiao You toy says it is an "adult male sex toy." Do we really need the word adult there? Isn't that (hopefully) implied by the phrase "sex toy" or is Japan even weirder than I've been lead to believe?

Virginia G said...

As I mentioned on twitter, why would someone want to fuck a sleeve full of fake noodles when you could have the real thing?

Also, from a purely technical standpoint, the Noodle King really puts the vajankle in perspective. I mean, at least the vajankle cannot easily (or legally) be replicated in real life.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, i don't think japan is weird particularly--i just enjoy the cultural and language filter that makes everything seem a little surreally (sp?) tweaked.

Virginia, word. and i guess it's not guaranteed that you need to "waste" the food, you know, after.